Even Steven

Things just have a way of working out for me. It's incredible really, the amount of things that are headed down a dangerous path and then magically I'm veered onto a safe course. Last night work was really getting to me...I was tired and irritable and ready to have a day off. I couldn't get anybody to cover my shift and the idea of calling in sick entertained me for the rest of the night. As the night wore on my plans became more and more cemented and I would surely get today off. This morning I set my alarm early to make the call. I set three alarms and slept through them all. By the time I woke up it was too late to make a phony call in and so I resigned myself to the fact that yes, I would have to work. So I shower...I change...I get all ready. I'm two seconds from walking out the door when the phone rings. My hero--Thom has gone to work in the hopes of picking up my shift. When I mentioned it the other night he wanted it and just forgot to call. Whew. Saved. A day off for cleaning and packing and chillin at home. And a phony sick-day was salvaged.
And no I have no fear...for the next time I feel doomed I only have to remember that things have a way of working out for me!

>!Censorship and Stuff!<

The house seems eerily quiet without my two roomates around. There are very different feelings of aloneness. Now that they're gone for a few days I get the house to myself; but it feels very different than when they'd leave for an hour or two. I don't even think I've been alone in this house for over 12 hours. It's just weird...I love the fact that I have the house to myself and can do whatever I want but I guess it's just that something's missing now. When I lived by myself I always had the place just exactly how I wanted but since moving here I've definitely had to adapt to other people and it feels a little empty without them. I guess that's exciting...for them, that this place feels empty without them. I would say that's the perfect definition of what makes a house a home.
Whoa...let's not get carried away here...it's not that I miss them. I mean, I love them...they're my family...well one's my family and one's on his way to being my family.
And I certainly won't miss the censorship. Yeah, my thoughts, my feelings, my innermost emotions are written down. I write...it's healthy, it helps clear my head and I vent. Yes, on this blog it becomes public....but it's still my thoughts, my words, my feelings and I've been censored. My sister who used to be a leading lady in the liberal thought process has felt need to comment on what I should and shouldn't feel. I guess she's fine with how I feel it's my matter of expression that gets to her. Well the sentence in question was deleted and my rights were violated. No biggie...she'll never live this one down though!

Bring Your Juke-box Money.....

You know what? It was a nice little Sunday. Yeah, we hit the mall, we hit Target, we brought our Cadillac and it's as big as a whale. The whole time we were doing the funky little shimmy...all the way to the Love Shack. Nothing rocks Christmas like the B-52's. Nothing rocks shopping like the dressing room extravaganza the Gregory Girls have created. It's a combination of our ability to have such a good time, to laugh at ourselves, and to be silly in that tiny little room with bad lighting and no place to sit (an area certainly not conducive to debate whether $89 is too much to spend on a shirt.) Anyways, yeah we kicked into high gear today. Granted, I don't think it tops that David's Bridal Spectacular of February 2004...but that's basically the World Series of dressing room productions. Today was the day we went Christmas shopping and we stepped into some unchartered territory. Strings were here and there, the back was in the front, legs were sticking out of the neck holes... We laughed, we tried to get situated, we tried not to cry. The cold weather means more clothes...crowded malls=higher temperature... raising the age old question--do I wear a coat? Do I dress like winter for the brief time I'll be in my car before it heats up...or do I dress down for summer and freeze my ass off anytime I'm not surrounded by the throngs of people doing that last minute Christmas rush. Well, I erred on the side of not catching hypothermia and went for winter with a slight edge--I skipped the coat...and I survived the mall. I did not overheat (the fleece socks were a bit too much and my feet did not thank me) but I did not freeze. All in all it was worth breaking my promise not to leave the house on my one day off before I fly home for Christmas.
Afterall, the b-52's wait for no man.

Could be Anything.

Da da da la la la la la la la. If I could say and do anything and everything I wanted would it still turn out in a way that would make me happy? Is there some imaginary line that I can get close to but never quite close enough? Is it up to me to get to a certain point and then wait for everything to fall into place? I'm living this fantasy...it's like I'm actually stuck into a world that is my so called life but it's just in my freaking head. Am I delusional? Am I a nut case?
I'm always reflective...but it's the end of the year and so I'm usually more so.
And this year...that this neverending year of ups and downs is almost over scares me a little...it also gives me some freedom...some distance. When I think of how I spent New Year's Eve 2004...yikes. I don't want anything like that to represent my life now. I don't want people like that in my life anymore. I am a different person now and I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky to have bounced around and fallen down because I was able to get back up. And I broke but I think I had to shatter so that I could choose which pieces I wanted to bring with me.
For some reason my reflections always get kind of depressing. And well, yes, this year was the year for the depression, the doctor, the pills...so it should make sense. But it's also so freakin amazing because now I can laugh and be silly and be free of the damage that I let hang around for so damn long.
I'm glad the year is almost over. It was hard and it'll always be with me...but now...now is the year for the fun. For life. Living every day of life is my gift. I have all that other crap out of the way and I'm free for all the good stuff. And I don't care if that's it's up to me or if it just happens because I do what I do and whatever's in my head will just keep on keeping on....

Friday's Thoughts

Why is this stupid guy next to me yakking on his cell phone when the signs clearly display the No Talking on Your Cell Phone policy. And the policy, simply stated is no talking. They don't even need a policy--the opening lines pretty much state it all. If he's such a "detail oriented perfectionist" why the hell is he ignoring the damn sign. The Library. Frustrating. More and more reasons why I hate this town.
I mean, one of my top ten reasons for leaving Whitworth was because of the akward library run-in with a few very select Pirates who may or may not be skulking around...and huh, usually on their cell phone. (Yeah, Emily...if you're reading this try not and laugh so much you disturb the person next to you in the library) Whatever. I now more than I ever wanted to about this nurse man sitting next to me. And hey, nancy-boy, an MD never seemed appealing to ya! My usual liberal behavior has gone right out the window in all this rage.
Yay! Home for Christmas in 8 days! I'm all for spending the holidays with the fam And hopefully I can scope out a new pad to keep all my stuff once I haul it all back to Spokane.
Well yeah, duty calls..time to pick up my paycheck and head to the bank. Happy Friday!

I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone

Since this is the season of giving...I'm giving some much needed advice I thought was funny...and yet sadly, so true. The restaurant biz is my life...and my life could greatly be improved with just a bit more awareness on the life of a server.

The next time you're out eating at a resturant, look at your server. Do you think they are really happy to be doing that job? The answer is no, they are not, but it's what we do, and we do it for the money so please help them out. Its a tougher job than you think and you should pay them accordingly!

There are SO many people out there flooding the restaurants w/o any knowledge of how to tip. Here is a short guide for the general public to follow. Feel free to print out and store in your wallet and/or purse.

1. CHILDREN "THE LITTLE DEVILS":
If you have children, DO NOT let them, open and dump anything on the table (ie; salt, sugar, etc). IF YOU DO, you must leave an extra $5 for the server to clean up YOUR CHILD'S mess & to restock the now unusable wasted items. We are neither their babysitter nor their parent. The least you can do is pay us for the extra work. Also make sure you control your kids and don't let them scream or run around the restraunt. It's very distracting not to mention dangerous if they get ran over by a server with hot food in their hands.

2. "THE CAMPERS":
If you feel the necessity to stay for longer than 15 minutes after you pay, its an extra $3 every 30 minutes. We make our money from the tables. If you are in one and we can't seat it, we don't make money.

3. COMPLIMENTS:
Telling a server they are the best server they've ever had is not a tip. If we are good, let us know by leaving us more money. We cant pay our bills on compliments. Its not that we don't appreciate the praise, its just that if you say that and then leave 10% it's an insult.

4. THE SALVATION PAMPHLETS:
Prayer cards and any other religious pamphlet is NOT a tip. It is insulting that you assume we are w/o religion and must save us. Again, like ..3, we cant pay bills w/prayer cards. We'd go to church on Sundays if it wasn't mandatory to work on Sundays because EVERYONE who goes to church follows it by eating out.

5. TIPPING:
It is not 1960. Cost of living has gone up dramatically since then. 18% is the MINIMUM amount of what you should be tipping your servers. Just look at the tax line and multiply by 2-3, this gives you your minimum tip amount. Remember, our companies pay us minimum wage (MINIMUM WAGE FOR SERVERS IN IDAHO IS 3.25 Per hour...yeah, our tips are our wage!) And we are taxed on 10 percent of your meal automatically anyway. So if you dont leave a tip, WE END UP PAYING FOR YOUR MEAL!!

6. THE COMPLAINERS:
If you get a discount because of your food was prepared wrong or something, do not take it out of our tip. We didn't cook it. The cooks get paid hourly regardless if the food sucks. However, we only make what you give us.

7. THE LATE ONES:
If you come into the restraunt 10 mins before closing or any time near closing hurry up and order your food and get out. Closed means closed, not social hour. It is so rude to sit there and take your sweet ass time. We can't leave until you leave because we have to do sidework and clean the table you are sitting at. We don't want to stand there waiting for you for an extra hour just because you don't want to go home. We recommend 24 hour establishments such as Dennys if you wish to sit into the wee hours of the night.

8. THE TABLE HOGGERS:
If you only come in for coffee or a dessert, to do paper work, or to have a meeting, don't sit there taking up our booths for hours. We are not Starbucks or a hotel restraunt. If you want to sit for hours, go there or else you better leave a good tip for us and camping fee included.

9. THE GREET:
When we come up to the table to greet you and we ask how you are doing please let us know. We honestly want to know how you are doing. If you are in a bad mood we want to know that from the beginning. A confused stare or complete silence does not suffice as a reply to "How are you doing?". Also don't interrupt our greeting and say "I want coffee", "can we get some bread, or "what are the soups?"

10. THOSE DAMN CELL PHONES:
Don't ever talk on your cell phone in a restraunt. This is probably the rudest thing to do. If you must be on your cell, at least keep your voice down in respect for other customers. If you are on your cell phone when we walk up to greet your table we will walk away until you get off your phone. Just show some respect and give us your attention for a couple of minutes.

11. TAKE-AWAY OR TOGOS:
Always remember to tip the take-out order servers! They work just as hard as a server, and hardly ever get tips for it! WE DESERVE TO BE TIPPED TOO!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SERVERS READING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please repost this so the word can get out, since so many people are uneducated about tips and our lives depend on this - atleast for now......

SIGNED, YOUR FELLOW RESTAURANT WORKERS

Tizzle- OOh, Oh, I have one too! As a former server myself I have to say that slooze is right on the money! I have one to add to this list.

12.LARGE PARTIES:
It's always fun to go out with your friends, sometimes as many as ten of them. If you do this on a friday night, expect to wait a while for a table if you don't have a reservation. Often times tables have to be pushed together to accomodate for seating and this requires both previous parties to leave before you can be sat. That means that one server has to have an empty table waiting for any length of time. When your party does get sat, understand that it you're not the only party in the restaurant and that it takes longer for a server to get ten drinks (plus ten waters) than it does to get three or four. So be patient. Also, when it comes to birthdays, we don't give a shit. There was one an hour before yours and there will be another an hour later. So don't expect us to think your party requires special attention. That's what your friends are for. Speaking of being friends at a birthday party, BRING CASH and BRING CHANGE!!! How old are you? Don't make the poor server split you check 5 ways. Get your shit together. The last thing a server wants to hear when they walk by a party is, "alright guys hold on, someone didn't put in, we're still short." That translated means, bad tip. Which brings up my next point, the tip. The same rules for small bills applies to big ones. Actually it should be more generous. For some reason customers seem to think, "Well, we spent plenty of money already on the food, so twenty should be enough." Maybe on a 100 dollar tab. Your server already sacrificed extra time and effort to serve your party, so show them the courtesy of giving them a good tip.

Sarah- This shit is so true. I have another one to add on-

13. DO NOT hit on your waitress/bartender. Its uncomfortable, creepy and unappreciated. and most of the time if you weird your server out they are not gonna want to come back to your table, which means you are not gonna get all the shit that you need/want. If you decide that you just can't control yourself and feel the need to make a pass at your server, this translates to at least an extra ten dollars in addition to the already standard 20%. There's nothing worse than a gross guy hitting on you and then leaving you a shitty tip. However, if your server is a guy, feel free to hit on him. they like it. its good for their ego. Most guys that work in restaurants are single anyways and always looking for fresh squirrel.

I have one small thing to add on - Nick

15. Please realize that you are not the only people we (your servers) are waiting on. We will do our best to make it feel that way, but we are doing our best to make 4 or 5 other tables feel that way too. So please keep that in mind. And before you complain that your drinks aren't being refilled fast enough or some other petty little thing... take a look around you and look to see what else your waiter is doing. If he/she is standing around doing nothing, then by all means, complain. But if they're running their asses off to make all of you people happy, maybe hold back on the petty whining.

And I'm adding this--Heather

16. Teenagers...yeah, we don't think you're funny, or cute, or the badass of your highschool. We think you are assholes who are trying to be funny and cute and the badass of your highschool. Leaving 2 pennies is insulting and if I wouldn't get fired I'd slap you. You're loud, obnoxious, and disrupt everyone around you. And I'm still tempted to hunt you down and slap you.

"I WANT TO BE A DENTIST!"

I have busted out all my christmas music and am really enjoying the variety this year. I'm going to freely admit I splurged and I liked it. Bring on Charlie Brown Christmas Music...bring on Victoria's Secret Christmas Eve/Morning Mix (yes, I did... I bought a cd at VS...but a damn good one and only 10 bucks!) and my personal favorite---drumroll please, Burl Ives! Yes. "Silver and Gold...Silver and Gold." And there's nothing like "the island of misfit toys!"
Christmas fever has hit...and I'm running outside in freezing weather with wet hair trying to catch that cold! It's great...I love everything about it. Cold weather and cute clothes to wear and be warm. Twinkle lights--props to the new boy living in our house for hooking us up with twinkle lights on the porch! :) And tomorrow is the day...I believe it is the day for a yard decoration. I'm thinking a deer or a moose, definitely leaning towards the twinkle light moose. Pretty packages under the tree, cute little Santa face bouncing around, and candy canes.
And I've started my gingerbread prep. I was robbed last year. My gingerbread house Monticello was a freaking replica...Thomas Jefferson came back to life to prove how great my house was, and I still lost. Family votes are never fair. This year, I will not lose again. And I will not forget those who voted against me...

Coolness & Currency!

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world... is what you share with someone else when you're uncool" Lester Bangs in Almost Famous

The knitting...I feel like an old woman here knitting alone, drinking my cocoa, cider, tea, whiskey, whateva...I'm usually thirsty for any of that at some point :)

Reason #12 to move back in with Emily: we share a lot of uncools, but see sharing them makes them cool and that is reason enough to drive 8 hours in a UHaul. It's like we're cool hipster cosmopolitan girls knitting as long as we're both doing it. When it's just me I feel like I should be checking for my social security check in the mail and asking for the senior menu. Mosying around with my walker and my first alert necklace. It's all worth it I guess, the life of a retiree sounds alright to me. I'm just not sure how ready I am for that yet.

So yeah, moving back to Spokane with my friend will be cool...we'll make it cool!

Lights!

Automatic lights--cool. The construction guys blocking my driveway every damn day-- not cool. Snow--cool. Late rent checks--not cool. Starting my advent calender--beyond cool. Let's all do three years for December 1st. I am very excited about the Christmas season.
Monday we got our tree. I felt I was betraying my North Idaho heritage walking across the parking lot, picking out a tree, paying for it, and having them carry it to the truck. I didn't have to do any heavy lifting, let alone any sawing, which is always a dissapointment in my book. Now the tree's up, decorated and making the house smell pretty. And today we got snow! Lots of pretty snow. Granted, it was ruined by all the rain today...made slushy, which will of course turn to ice and be scary but for today it was nice. Clean. Fresh snow always tidies up a place.
And work. Yeah, I love going to my job every day. But I need to do this...I need to do this for me. I would love more responsibility and I love the respect I have and the job I do. But since I don't have that responsibility yet, I'm taking a vacation...I'm going home...and I'm staying for an extra long time! Bring on the holidays! Bring it on...cause I'm all fired up and ready to go!

Trouble in Here

I'm moving back. I say it all the time now without pausing to think about it or anything.
Part of me feels like a failure.
I don't take chances. I don't take risks. I like this part of who I am. A homebody? Sure. But it's safe and I'm okay with the rest of the shit I have to deal with because of it. Now I feel like I couldn't do it.
Now I'm feeling like I had this one opportunity to break away and I failed. I didn't even last a whole year.
And that's what my sister can't get. My happiness for her is indescribable. I've felt a surge of pride and happiness for my family like this only a few times. When she graduated college. When my bro played his last basketball game in HS. And I feel it now for her. Beyond any of those. Because I think this will carry her for the rest of her life. I think this is one of the happiest times in her life ever.
But I wasn't ready to face some of these decisions. I wasn't ready to move back to Spokane and honestly I don't know if I will be ready. I'm scared to lose my safety I've found down here, away from the things that hurt me. I don't want to hide...but I also want to be safe and I want to be ready to go back. I don't want to run away again.
I feel like I'm running away again. I feel like I moved down here because I needed to run away. I had to get away. My life depended on it. And now I'm afraid I'm just running to get away. Running because I don't like this. Because now I've lost my comfort in my own house. I'm happy for Sarah but I'm not happy here. And I'm trying, only for her. Because I owe her that little.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be the person I need to be right now. I don't know how to be the person my family needs me to be right now. I don't want to fall, I don't want to drown...
NOTHING'S WRONG
lyrics © 2002 Patrick Park

It won't be the same
I turned the lights down and
Then I hit the ground,
And even in the dark,
Lonleliness knows my name

But these eyes are strong
Because you'd never know
That anything was wrong.
I'll keep you holding on
Over and over again

There's a world of regret
Lying on my shoulders,
It's a cherry bomb
With eyes that glow,
Like two big shining stars
In a Hitchcock movie and,
My auto pilot is ready to go.

Now the mirror hurts
And everybody is gone,
And I'm an expert
At pretending that nothing's wrong.

There's no face to face
Because there's nothing tp say
I'm a million miles away
From you and yesterday

There's a world of regret
Lying on my shouders.
It's a cherry bomb
With eyes that glow,
Like two big shining stars
In a Hitchcock movie and,
My auto pilot is ready to go.

Realization

It just hit me. This is how I've been feeling. This is how I was feeling for a long time. This is how people made me feel. Like I'd be forgotten. Like I wasn't valued. And I gave up so much so that they wouldn't forget me. It makes me sad to hear this now. It makes me hurt to read these words and know that I let someone make me feel this way. That I thought this little of myself. That I just wanted to be remembered. This is what I had been trying to say for so long. I couldn't get the words out. They got so confused with love and sex and anger and pain and forgiveness and hope and hurt. And I clung on because I knew eventually I would walk away. And once I walked away the whole thing would be over. And I would be forgotten. And even now, I'm hurt by that. I'm hurt by the fact that something that meant so much to me could me so little to someone else.

Way Out West~Don't Forget Me

There’s just one thing that I need to say
Before I close my eyes and walk away
There’s just one thing that I need to feel
Before I walk away against my will

There’s just one thing that I need to hear
Before I walk away for the last time
There’s just one thing that I need to see
Before I take this chance and set us free

Don’t forget me
Don’t regret me
Don’t suspend me
Don’t neglect me

The memory of this still reminds me of you
The memory of this still reminds
The memory of this still reminds me of you
And that is where you’ll find me

Stars in your eyes
Did you take the time to realize

Can you count the stars in your eyes?
Did you take the time to realize?

There’s just one thing that I need to say
Before I walk away
There’s just one thing that I need to feel
Before I walk away against my will

Don’t forget me
Don’t regret me
The memory of this still reminds me of you
Don’t suspend me
The memory of this still reminds me
Don’t neglect me
The memory of this still reminds me of you

The memory of this still reminds me
Stars in your eyes
Did you take the time to realize?

It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown....

That's my lesson. Summed up by one incredible song that I can dance to and think to and just be to. It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown. The thing is I already tried that. I tried to teach myself to swim for years, everytime I started to drown. Everytime I was lost at sea I tried to save myself. This spring I couldn't. I did drown. And now I have a second chance. A second chance at life. Somehow I survived it. And it changed me. And I have trouble expecting people to know me now. It's before and after for me...yeah, I have the same core...but I'm different. And I'm trying to explain it, trying to accept it myself. I'm different now. I sat at the bottom and looked up at my life. And I didn't have the power to save myself. I had to get help. And I did. I got the help, and I made some scary choices and I moved away. And I got better. I learned to swim. But I'm not safe and I don't know if I ever will be completely safe. I'm trying to be okay without putting expectations on anyone else. I'm struggling right now to keep swimming but I'm afraid I could lose what I built right now. I'm afraid I am going to lose my safety and that I could drown again. I need to be okay all by myself...and I'm working everyday. I'm trying to prepare myself for the changes...I'm trying to get ready so that I am prepared and I don't need anyone to save me. I'm trying to save myself. It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down...so I'm just trying to grab anything I can right now without putting this on anyone else. I don't want to be saved again. I want to do it myself. I don't want it to happen at all...so I'm making a preemptive strike I guess. I'm taking lessons and I'm asking questions because I don't want to be blindsided again.

Country Girl

It's a great day...a great day to be alive. I'm just a simple country girl...easy to please. Havin some fun and livin some life! A little country music, cold weather, peppermint mochas and payday! I couln't ask for anything more. I've been more in a downer mood...reflective, quiet. And now...now I just wanna dance. I got to go home and be with my family. I got to hang out with Emily and Heidi (which is always awesome...but especially since I haven't seen Emily since before she went to Argentina) It has been a great week. Having lots of fun at work...getting to chill and live a life that I'm happy and proud to be living. I'm excited for what's next.

"Easy Money" Brad Paisley

I remember working on a rooftop
In the hot summer sun all day
Now I work two hours a night
It feels a lot more like play

'Fore Kenny joined the band
He used to hang dry wall
Ben worked down at Valentino's
So when you see us up here and think
Man they're lucky
You don't have to tell us 'cause we know

[Chorus]
Yeah, we're laughing all the way to the bank
'Cause it all just seems so funny
A bunch of guys like us
In a big tour bus
Making that easy money

Desperado hauled cattle
Grady drove trucks
Justin had a hot dog stand
Kevin sold records
And Brent sold shoes
And Gary was a garbage man

[Repeat chorus]

I used to have an ex-girlfriend
That didn't understand
She said boy you're going nowhere fast
You oughta get a real job
Why don't you quit that band
Now she can kiss my backstage pass

[Repeat chorus 2x]

Sparkle This....

It was definitely pink nail polish day. Things seem to be just a little bit better for me on days like this. Just a normal day and then whammo...good things start smaking me in the face. Not that that is actually very good at all, unless it's some kind of cotton product of high thread count. Alright, tangents are fairly good too, but this one's over. So yeah, work is good. I can feel it becoming better. And if it makes me a huge dork...well so be it. I'm happy that we're making it better. I'm all about the standards of greatness. More responsibility...more pay...bartending...what's not to love? That's right...nothing. Add up the fact that two dvd's came in the mail and I'm extra specially happy. So yeah, bring on the sunshine, bring on the great pumpkin charlie brown. Bring on the pink nail polish.

Have a little faith in me....

I was finally able to nail down what's been bothering me. I've felt a little unstable, a little unsure. And, it was a relief because it has nothing to do with me actually. It's the perception of me. The image of what everyone thinks I should be doing right now. And the truth is I'm really happy right now. I can't remember a time I was happier. I love living down here in this great house, working at a job I love and hanging out being me. Now it is true I don't spend a lot of my free time hanging out with my crew. Do I even have a crew? I know I had one, and I did the entire college experience with dorm rooms and people barging in whenever they felt. And I loved it. I'm glad I had those experiences. But I'm not there anymore. I've had the metamorphis back to who I really was. I knew, for a while who I was and I was happy. And then I changed to fit the social expectations and I believe I spent the next 4 years in and out of drunken stupors, making bad choices and saying things to people that I can never take back. And I don't want to go there again. I was so insecure in who I was becoming I became this splashy teenage disaster making sure nobody tried to tell me what to do. I've been on this journey and I feel like I'm finally making the right stops, I'm finally heading in the right direction at least. But it makes me crazy having to deny the expectations that I'm not doing it the right way. I like to have down time. I don't want to go out to the bars and drink because it's not me anymore and I don't know how I can handle the pressure. I don't want to slip back into that phase of insecurities trying to prove how much I don't care and drinking myself under to prove I don't.
Aggggg...it's frustrating. I'm not a hermit. Although the whole Waldon Pond thing sounds kind of inviting. I just want to be free to be me. Hanging out with Sarah. We have fun and we are both true to who we really are. I'm tired of having to justify who I want to be. And I miss my friends but they don't live around here. So I can't run to the mall or the movies with them. And I'm okay with that right now. I just want to become me without all the pressure from people who don't really know me. Because I've got it figured out right now. I know the safe balance. And I want to focus on that.

Wrong Turn....

I've lost it. I've lost the go-to movie, the go-to music...it's the staples of my life falling to the wayside. I've been mixing it up a little...back to Carol King, Carly Simon...but I don't have that golden cd that lights up my day anymore. I'm all dried up. That's how it feels. My favorite things have lost their pizzazz. I can't decide on a movie. Nothing is fitting my mood. I don't know how to start my day, I can't figure out how to end it. I've hit a snag in my rhythm of life these last few days. Damnit. I can't type worth a shit either. This calls for a beer and some quality movie watching and hopefully catch a little rejuvination.

It's Not that I'm Antisocial....

...I just don't like people. Okay, that's not true either. I love people. I go to work every day and I chat, I hang out...I'm surrounded by people. I guess it would be I've really grown to hate cell phones. I'm not really into hanging out for hours on the phone. I don't like the phone. The cell phone...I'm over the whole novelty of it. Sure, it's handy, having it in my car in case of an emergency. That little camera in case I run into John Lovitz again. I really just don't like the fact that people can get a hold of me wherever I am. I want the house phone. I want them to get the machine. The cell phone is too damn disruptive. I don't want to call others, knowing my own peeves with my phone, that they too, are probably in the middle of their lives, and don't want to be interrupted by the damn phone. So my communication skills have gone down the shitter...and it's not that I don't love my friends, I just don't like the phone. Phone tag. The worst game ever invented if you ask me. Stupid. If I get enough energy to actually make the call...get the machine, leave a message...miss the call...make the call again, I'm over it. I've lost any will for communication that would be required for me to make the call a third time. I guess my moral is if you get the "this number has been disconnected and is no longer in service" lady don't feel bad. It's not you...it's me.

Day-Off Boredom

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Pumpkins! Yee-Haw!

One of the things I loved about living in PR was our 4 seasons. Okay it felt sometimes like winter and spring and a few minutes of fall and summer, but we always had all 4. And we've been down here long enough to experience summer. And summer. But October brings us right into fall! (three cheers!!!) And colder weather and turing the heat on, and wearing jeans and sweaters, and rainy days, and leaves changing colors, and pumpkins!

We went out yesturday and got a few fatty pumpkins to carve for Halloween. But this way we can have them out all month long. We decorated our house for "autumn" thus saving a little coin and hitting Halloween and Thanksgiving with the same stuff!!
CLimbing all over the stack of pumpkins at Albertson's was hilarious and I think we pissed off every other person there trying to decide which ones we wanted. Especially the old lady I tried to steal a pumpkin from...how was I supposed to know that one was hers..it didn't have her name on it...it was just sitting there...I was tempted to just take it anyways and run, afterall she was like 75--I could have taken her. The only thing stopping me was some rent-a-cop posted at the door. (I could have out ran him though too...) A cop...at albertson's...yeah, sure, that's not a waste of police budget. We had a good time...found three perfect pumpkins (our scale of roundness...stem...size giving us pretty high scores) 56 pounds of pumpkins later I was just trying not to wet my pants from laughing so much!

Our house looks so cute. I still want to get a couple bails of hay for our front, maybe a corn-stalk...some little scarecrow! So cute. Afterall the fam is coming down for Turkey day (our first as hosts in our own house!) so we're excited to show off the new house.

When I was little I loved Christmas so dang much I couldn't quite handle it. I turned into a royal shit about December 1 in anticipation for the holiday. My parents always thought it was because I didn't open presents for nearly 12 months...with my bday in early January I had to wait until Dec 25 to get gifts again.

I'm now thinking that had little to do with it. I love the festivities of all holidays. Christmas was just the only one we really celebrated. I mean, I love to go all out. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day, Easter, 4th of July (now that one's really my favorite) but I'm talking decorations, traditions, food, family, fun. That's what the holiday's are all about anyways, right? So I say embrace it. Do it. Celebrate.

morning coffee

When I first moved down here my morning routine took a pretty long hiatus. But now we're successfully back in business...and I'm just waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. This whole moment makes my day. This little routine is what I crave, not just for the caffeine fix. I guess it defines me. Coffee. With Amaretto. In a particular mug for each day...for how I want each day to go, for my mood.
It hit me a long time ago that this action, this routine helps me stay grounded. I'm being 100% true to myself.
In the apartment coffee brought us both together in the morning. Em, stumbling out of bed, eager, I'm sure, for the day to begin. I was territorial about how the coffee was made, but was usually the first up so she didn't really have to know...but we'd have our coffee. And chat. Watching Matt and Katie and the Today Show gang...catching up on the news. Or run around trying to find a lid for the travel mug and trying not to be late for school. The weekends we got to sit around drinking coffee, putting off homework, figuring out what we were going to do that night, possibly fighting off a hangover or two.
Down here, I'm a solo coffee drinker. Make it myself whenever I stumble out of bed in the morning. Drink it while I'm getting ready for work. Listening to music.
It brings people together. It keeps me together. It's regular, it's everyday, it's comfortable. It's pjs and messy hair, it's in a thermos at the football game, the campfire, the hunting trip, the journey. It's the journey.

tips

I love working in a restaurant. I love it. I love working in the back, I love working with the customers. Most customers. We have a guy and his son and they come into our RR maybe once every couple of weeks. They are so great. Yeah, they give me a hard time...but they talk to me like a human being...they joke, they laugh, they're great. I have a lot of regulars come in without notice. But these guys have been in my section once, said they'd ask for my section next time, and they did.
Oh, and then we have a night like last. Pretty slow...not much going on. I again got talked into closing. We sent some servers home and so the night was decent. I hate stupid people. You have questions: ask. I'll be happy to answer them. You wanna know the price: read the menu! There's a tip for you. And teenagers, why are they such bad tippers? Their parents are giving them money, (or what they're working 10 hours a week in between gossip and class and homecoming.) So not only was my table teenagers....tough to deal with already, but thought they were getting ripped off...which of course makes any teenager want to make a scene. They were wrong...you gotta pay for what you ordered. Anyways...then I got busy within like 15 minutes of closing...shitty. And I volunteered to go in on my day off...shitty. Oh well...maybe I'll have some regulars today!

My Father....My HERO!

Check it out kids: the list is in. The top 10 most dangerous jobs. And guess where dear old dad falls...(yipes poor word choice..knock on wood.) Drumroll please.....dudududududududududududud

1. Logging workers
Fatalities: 92.4 per 100,000 employed
Median Pay: $29,730
Logging and timber workers duties include cutting down trees and cutting and moving logs, providing the raw material for countless products. The nature of their work puts them at constant risk of being killed by heavy, falling objects.

Welp, thanks dad for going to the most dangerous job everyday for us, your fam. And good luck out there today. Go get 'em! And be safe!

Life is Good.

Whoa...heavy statement. A lotta truth. Life is good. My life is good. And really it's that simple. I had a moment, a slice of panic wondering if all this was worth it. I started to forget everything I've worked for and all I had left was that I ran away. Simple--I ran away from my house, my job, school, my friends, jj... I ran away from all my problems. And I started to feel guilty about all that. About having to completely run away for it to be okay. I started to feel shame and embarrased that basically I couldn't stand up strong where I was. I was ashamed I had to leave to be okay. That I couldn't just stop doing what was making me feel so bad.
And then it hit me: I had to be brave to leave. I had to be. Because otherwise I would still be there and I would still be in that pit. I'm better now. I am going to be okay. And if it takes me never going back to that "place" with him or with anybody else, then that's what it takes. It's okay for me to run. Because it would be naive for me to think I would be okay if I was still living there, just starting back to school this fall, working with those two beautiful babies. Yeah, I might pretend like it was okay, but it wouldn't be. And I only want to go through that mess and fear one time in my life. I don't want to go back to that.
So I'm here. I'm having an amazing time living with Sarah. We connect. We're best friends and I guess it's because we're sisters too...there's something safe, something vulnerable, something strong in that bond. We're having the fun that is why I wanted to move with her in the first place. Because no matter what, we have each other and hey, that's still pretty fucking lucky. And I love my job. It makes me happy...even when I have to stay late and work hard, it makes me happy. And I'm happy to go every day. Which is beyond words.
And I'm giving props to the man upstairs. Because that's all I really need. That's my beginning, my end, and all my inbetween. But Jesus came so my life would be full of life...starting now...and ending, well never. Yay! So yeah, I have the strength in me...through Christ to be okay. I gave it all up...and it led me here...something I couldn't see for a long time. But this is where I need to be.

The NO-C?

Yes, I am a tv junkie. And yes, I am into current events. And yes, I have compassion and care what is going on in the world. Do I want George W. interrupting my primetime programming? Not particularly. I'm definitely okay with preemption of tv for current events or national news, but I just want a little info. Missing half of the OC and Survivor (partly because of this new stupid time zone with all tv an hour early?! what is that about?!?) Just save it for next week, playing it half an hour late is just killin me. It's my out...it's my escape from all the other crap in the world and it's nice to have this.
Yeah, I'll survive...I was just looking forward to watching Season 3 in real time, and not having to wait for the dvd.

the baby blues

My family. Whew. They're the rock...sometimes they're the storm. Right now one in particular is brewing a little storm of his own.
I love my brother so much.
I'm so sad for him. I'm worried about him.
I'm worried about his life. And I thought this was a phase...something he was experimenting with. But now I'm not sure. I feel helpless~I don't know what to say to him or what to do to help him. I know he's trying to find himself, find his own rhythm...but he's too bogged down by someone else's rhythm to breathe. He's this little shithead who won't lift a damn finger to help himself or anybody else. And Geoff is a good person. He used to be such a great guy, full of life...full of compassion, full of love. And now I don't really know him. I want to be able to take care of him, but I don't know what that looks like because I don't know what he needs.
I know it's not helping him to be taken care of by a habitual liar, someone who wouldn't know the truth if it bit her in the ass. She's just feeding his desire to screw 'the man' and anyone else who wants anything for him. I'm not saying Geoff needs a wife, a college degree, a 9-5 job with a white-picket fence and 2.7 kids. But he needs something. Something to get up everyday for. Something he can be proud of, something he can do.
And that's what makes me sad...because I don't know if he has that. It's like he's shut everything off, everything of what he used to be and he's just running. Which I understand, to a point. But at somepoint, he's got to start paying his own way in life. Start paying to run...because even that is not free and the world doesn't owe him any favors.
I'm scared for him because I know he's on the edge where we could lose him forever. I feel like there has to be something I can do. I don't want to save him, but I want him to see he is worth saving...he can save himself.
And maybe that's the thing...maybe I'm just being selfish, and I want him to be okay for me...and if that's the case, I can't be sorry...because I do miss him, I miss my little brother. But I don't want to watch him throw his life away. And I realize he may be just in a phase. A longer one than we thought.

Workin' Hard for the Money

I love my job. I do. I have a job that I like going to everyday. I don't think I've been able to say that ever before. I don't think I've done anything...pay or not that I've liked everyday. And now, here it is. Something I've always wanted to do in the back of my mind, something I'm finally doing. And I love it.

Not that there aren't days that make me want to rip my hair out. Because there are. Those days, like last night...where everything I do wrong gets noticed (and pointed out) and everything I do above and beyond gets forgotten. It's hard, it would be easier to rip off the uniform and look for a new job. Some days where the people think I get paid fortunes to deliver their food and drinks and damn it, that's all I'm good for. But there are people who make it worth while, on both sides. But I love this one too much. It's too much becoming a part of who I am. I wouldn't give it up...tempting as it was.

Until...until I got some recognition. And damn, baby, it feels good. Tonight, getting pulled over by the GM for some face time. Some time "for us to let you know we want to keep you...and we want to make sure you stay." Not really a big deal for them, but a huge deal for me. It got me through extra hours. I'm valued...and so is my opinion. Which is a huge compliment. That place is becoming my second home. And I feel really fortunate to have such a great job right.

parallel-universe-old-west-ghost-town

I think this is some crazy shit. Last weekend the fam was here...And if my dad said once, he said it at least a million times that he wanted to drive out "into the mountains." Yeah, no offense, I'll always be a Northern Idaho girl...there are no mountains down here, at least not many with trees! Anyways, we indulged him, and headed east (I know...east?!?!) Yeah, well there are some trees out there beyond Boise and so that was all grand and good. I don't know how far we went...like 35 miles or something and we stumble into this parallel-universe-old-west-ghost-town IDAHO CITY. City? Ummm..fuck no. This place is country like I've never seen...and I'm a north idaho girl. So there's cowboys and a saloon and a place to park your horses, where honest to God... somebody had parked their horse. Okay, so we walk around this town for a bit...check out all the wild west paraphanalia...get a DP @ Calamity Jane's (yes, the only place that sold Dr. Pepper was a restaurant and I use that term loosely that had tree stumps as stools!) and then we leave. I swear. We left, no sudden movements, nothing suspicious. Fast forward...the next day we see on the news the forest fire raging near Idaho City they've dubbed THE GREGORY FIRE! WTF. Seriously WTF! I know we must have made an impression, what with our new-fangled automobile, and those little cell phones, taking photographs, gee golly! But shit, THE GREGORY FIRE. That's just the coolest thing that's happened in Idaho City, ever!

Every Little Thing

Some real craziness...Whitworth, back in session. I'm starting what was supposed to be my senior year working as a waitress. It's weird thinking about school starting and not being there to bitch about being back in school. And yesturday when I realized my friends were going back to class and I was going back to work I got sad. I'm going to miss some of the amazing times I had at Whitworth...walking to class late with Em...trying to get anyone living on campus to hook us up with a place to crash, or buy us food, late night talks and bonding. I did have some great times there and it will never be the same again. Even now, most of my friends are gone, married and expecting...but still, part of me feels like I should be there too.
I'm glad I'm here right now. A part of me knows I couldn't handle being there right now...too much to prove. I guess that was always my biggest problem. I had way too much to prove to everyone along the way. It's scary, but also pretty fucking cool that I know myself enough now to know I'm doing so good, because I am not there. I can be off the damn prescription and I can feel stronger, but part of me being strong is staying away. And things here are getting me on track. I have a great time at work and there are some really great people there. I'm surprised at the people...I don't have to explain everything I do or why and they accept it. They accept a part of me I'm trying to become right now. Which is unique in it's own way and something I've never had.
And the next 9 months will go on. I had no idea one year ago this is where I would be. So I can't very well plan on what I will be doing next September. And for now, I'm okay. I'm alright with missing my friends and my old life and being disappointed that I couldn't finish school. Because I have more chances.

Flying High

Going back to all the places I used to be. All the time I wanted to capture forever. I stopped taking my medication, it's been gradual, forgetting it here and there, one morning realizing I don't need it. I don't need two pills a day to make me happy. Make it okay. I am okay without it. Being able to write that down, being able to say it outloud, being able to do it means so much to me. Until you face it, really grasp that this could be a part of your life forever, it really freaked me out. I'm of it, completely out of the bottomless dispair that faced me everyday in the mirror. And now I think I've prepared for when it happens again. To make sure it won't happen again. These moments come to me in flashes, where I can remember the beginnings of when it would happen. How I would start to drown, panic would rip through my entire body. It changed me this time. I am a different person now because, or inspite of it.
But I wake up and I'm happy. I'm happy about life about everything I'm going to get thrown at me today. I'm prepared for what's next.

A Thousand Words....

It's a major case of writer's block. I have all this information, all this material, but it somehow gets lost between my brain and my fingertips. It's making me crazy. My creative outlet has run dry and that leaves me bottling it up, and that leaves me...bottled up. Which is not the best way to be, I'm sure. It's the moment, these moments I feel at peace. I feel alive. I'm full of energy and yet I've got nothing to show for it. These intricate, delicate scenes are dancing around in my head and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them. If they really mean anything at all. I'm caught somewhere between reality and make-believe and I don't know which way I want to run. But running in circles is just making me dizzy. A thousand words...that I can't get out of my head.

It's Friday...Payday...Whoohoo

Friday, payday, Lordy gotta get away
Had it with the wife thing, living on a shoe string
What's a poor girl got to do just to have some fun?
All these years without any help
Guess what, honey, clothes don't just wash themselves!
Neither do dishes, neither does the bathroom floor

So now if anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mssissippi and up to no good

No more, what a bore, had enough, I'm out the door
Headed for a breakdow, had it with the small town
Gonna call Lisa, gonna call Carla Sue
Now we're gonna let it roll
gonna let it rip
Gonna get us a nice room down on the strip
Not that we'll need it, there won't be any sleepin' tonight

So, now if anyone asks, not that they would
We'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good

Hammer down, here we go
Runnin' for the riverboat
All you're gonna see is asses and elbows
Luck's about to change for these three queens
Tired of gettin' jokers, deal us up kings

Snake eyes, roll the dice, double down, and hit me twice
Cashin' in the big chips, gonna leace a big tip
Hotter than a two dollar pistol, baby, I'm on fire

So, if anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no go

If anyone asks, not that they would
I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no go
~Sugarland~

After the Fall from Innocence the Legend begins...

One Stab: Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, but they become legends. I needed some new thinking music. A muse to really get me started on everything I've been putting off. Call it some kind of nagging, some kind of calling to get my butt in gear because it's something I need to do. Naturally I turned to Brad Pitt...okay, Legends of the Fall. And it's got me thinking. It's got me thinking beyond my normal boundaries. It helps get me fired up (and it's not just Brad). It's the bonds of the family. The Innocence. The Adventure. The passion. The Betrayal. The Hope. The Legend.

Hopeful

It's like the wind, a subtle change breezes in and everything shifts before I even know it. I've had an inner peace come into my entire being, into every aspect of my life. Everything has worked out. And it's nothing like the way I planned. But I'm living...and I realized it today--I'm just happy living. I'm really excited about these experiences I'm getting everyday. Naturally, I'm surprised because it wasn't anything I planned, or even thought I wanted. But now, I'm able to figure out what it is that I want. What I want to do, once I go back to progressing. And for now it's okay to drive fast with the windows down and the stereo up. It's okay, to try things and not have it be skydiving...to try things about everyday life that I've never done before. I'm excited to go to a cafe by myself...go out to eat by myself. I'm gaining an independence I've never been aware of before. I'm figuring out who I want to be without having previous expectations and limitations that I've clung to in the past.
For the first time in my life I'm not letting anybody tell me what I need to do. And it feels really fucking great! Because as much as I have always wanted to cling to the fact that I am my own person, I've still left too much of who I am up for a vote. And now, I'm in a new place, and I am starting on the right foot. Which has to be good, because without a foundation you've got nothing to build on, and I have built a little, but now I feel like I can really do some building, something with permanence.
It's been good...my faith is growing and I'm really learning how to depend on God, and let my actions be driven by serving Him. I'm working on the real reason for faith, and the real relationship that God requires us to have and it's bringing peace into my life. I've been missing this giant piece, and now it's been given to me. And I can face anything with the protection I get from that.

The Jackal

"He was fat back cat cool like a Friday afternoon martini, chillin' at a quarter after 5. Twist of lime, Coke on the side. The brother loved the high life. Had a Ph.D. in street stride. They called him 'The Jackal'."

So I come home after pulling a double shift to find out my sister has been watching The West Wing without me....bummer. And damn, if she isn't watching the first season (my favorite...okay, yeah, I do love them all :) And damn, if she isn't watching Six Meetings before Lunch. Jeez. What a life. I have to go slave away serving food to people who really aren't as happy as they should be for sitting and getting all their basic whims met, and I digress...yeah. Hmmm. But this is my favorite part of the song, which sister also managed to download whilest I was away. Oh...good times.

And tomorrow (a day off!) is the birthday celebration for Say-ah! Whoo Hoo! There's nothing I like quite as much as a celebration!!

Fast Cars and Freedom

Oh boy, if given a choice...I would probably have to choose a fast car [that way I could get away from the bastards trying to take away my freedom;)] But lucky me...I don't have to choose 'cause rascal flatts hooked me up with both in one really good song. I guess that's all it really takes to make me happy. Okay, yeah...that is all it takes to make me anything. Happy, sad, pissed, elated...basically a glimmer of anything and the music takes care of the rest.
But the mood isn't only credited to "baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder." I had little bit of divine intervention. Yay. I'm always looking for it...it took a little time but I finally figured out I had it. I've had it. And it doesn't look like it's going anywhere. It's this moment. It's nothing and everything all wrapped up in one. I've been all freaking out like what the fuck is the rest of my life going to mean...and it's not that I don't care, but I know the rest of my life isn't the rest of my life. I have forever. And that's definitely enough for me. It's more than enough. So this life thing...I don't have to figure it out. I can go to school, and drop out, and move away, and work and live, and I can move back and finish school...or not. But the thing is I can. I am able. I am able to do what I want, and so why not make the healthy choices as long as I can.
It was the time for me to move. But someday it will be time for me to move back. And that will be okay. And I will be okay.

Flying Blind

It's this maze...these huge brick walls I keep running into. I know there is a right way to go, and I know there is a way that is right, but will take a lot longer, and I know there is a wrong way. The trouble is I just don't know which is which. I feel for the first time, that I'm no longer choosing the way I know is wrong so I don't have to feel like I've failed. Knowingly choosing what was wrong saved me in some fucked up kind of way. Well..it fucked me up, but at least that was my choice.
But I stopped doing that. I'm trying to stop doing that. And I think that's why God led me to Boise. I think the life I had made in Spokane, at Whitworth, for the most part was me ramming into the brick wall...me choosing the wrong way because I didn't feel I could choose any other path.
I am happy that I made the decision to move to Boise. I'm glad I left Whitworth, because I don't think I appreciated or realized what I was doing there and I know I didn't work hard at succeeding. I didn't know, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Which is why I know it was such a good decision to leave.
I'm still in the maze, but for the first time I'm starting to see a few more windows. I'm not flying blind into this future I'm not prepared for and I don't even want. And since February, I've been pretending to be okay, and then I couldn't even pretend anymore. But it's hitting me now. I have to change. Because at some point I have to get to the end of the maze. And to do that I have to pay attention and be healthy and be OKAY along the way.
I'm extremely reflective for some reason. I'm getting some light to this dark tunnel. You can only see as far as the headlights shine...but you can make the whole trip that way. I guess I'm realizing...I can go back...back to Whitworth, back to school...whatever. Or I could go forward, to anywhere...to do anything. I have time, and I have faith...so I guess I just have to wait (maybe a little more patience :) and know that I will get to the end of the maze. And it will be safe. And I will be okay.

Shades of Rain

I was feeling lost again...something was missing. I want to be somewhere and feel still, feel like I don't have to move. Like I don't want to move. And I've been feeling like something is pulling me. And I'm going before I'm ready, and I'm going blind. I'm not trying to avoid reality, embracing it, but my own reality. And I'm not sure I've found it. I can feel it pulling at me at times when I cannot ignore it. It's there other moments and I push it down, I bury it in any kind of alternate reality. But I still feel it. It still rolls in and kicks my ass. I ran away from a lot of the things I thought were breaking me down. Things that were breaking me down. And it's better now. But there are the moments that I catch my breath and remember that it's not safe...it's not over. Everyday takes awareness and everytime takes work and I cannot forget it yet. I want to forget it. But that's the moment when it can take me over again.

Hot Days and Honeybees

I had one of those moments where I could picture what would happen like 5 seconds before it actually did...and I knew it wouldn't be pretty...and yet, I didn't stop myself. Oy! It's been like a thousand degrees everyday, which I'm not quite used to yet...especially now that I live somewhere with air conditioning...which is freaking awesome. Anyways...Sarah and I were out running errands. A few hours worth of running in and out of stores left the car burning hot. One of those you could die sitting in the car for too long kind of days. So we're on our last stop, getting a limeaid from Sonic, when I notice my chapstick. Now I knew it would be melted. I was a little sad, it was new. And I like a new chapstick. So I think about the state of how melted it would actually be. And then I open it. I bust that baby open...wtf it is completely liquified. Which is now all over my skirt. And car. And legs. Damnit. What was I thinking? Now I've got my car smelling like Burt's Bees Chapstick. Nice, but now I'm down one brand new chapstick. It was a comical moment. A glimmer of some moment...something oddly familiar and fun, and necessary.

I'll take FLAIR any day of the week!

Uhhhh...I hate it. The whole process...combing the want-ads...calling, picking up applications. The people are so rude. Yeah, I need a job...but shit, at one point didn't you. Unless, for some odd reason you got picked and they came and hunted you down. Maybe I'm intimidating. I've heard that before, never understood it...but hey, whatever works. Anyways, I'm trying to find something that will help me pay the bills and maybe stockpile some cash for a rainy day. And insurance would be a plus. But after day one of job hunting I had no prospects, having only applied at places I didn't even want to go, let alone work(!) there.
I took day 2 with a little more pride, hitting up only the fun places I'd want to take a chance on. And ding ding ding....got hired on the spot at Red Robin. I love the bird. Awesome. I have a job...with tips! Yay, I have some earning power! Alright, it's no benefits...but it's a check and I can live with that. Plus, there are fun people there, and you get to wear FLAIR! I'm really excited about the flair. And the nametag...that should be great. So training starts on Saturday for a week and then I'm on my own serving up the good people of Meridian.

The Big Sperm!

You wanna talk about luck? How about getting the U-Haul from Illinois looking like a giant sperm on the side of it. Yeah, driving behind a 26-foot U-Haul wasn't going to be bad enough...let's go ahead and make it look like a big sperm. But my favorite part was the whole convoy having to follow uhaul, with our average speed at like 35 mph while everyone whizzed around us going 75. But yeah, we made it. Got the house. I'm still not sure how I feel about finding a key the landlord didn't know about. How many other people could have just found it and wandered in? hmmm. Got unloaded. I've got a whole suite thing going...a bedroom, office and bathroom...plus 4 closets. It works out alright for me. And now we just have all the unpacking to take care of. Still waiting on the fridge...it's been real unconvient, this no refigeration system. I'm just craving a cold Dr. Pepper. Awesome. The fam took off yesturday, which was good...sad, but good. I'm ready for a little more independence. That's what I talked about in counseling, that's one reason I wanted to move. So it's taking me a little to remember why I really did want to come and forget the reasons that showed up making me want to stay.

Boycotting Tom

I'm completely outraged. During my usually pleasant morning routine watching the Today show and downing my morning coffee I was interrupted by Tom Cruise pretending to be some kind of MD. The man needs to just take it down a fucking notch or two. I love America, and I love that he has a right to say whatever he wants...but give me a fucking break Tom...you're an ACTOR! And frankly, I like my Psychiatrist, and I like my dose of Wellbutrin, ya know. And who the fuck are you to tell me I'm a bad person for doing whatever I need so that it helps me and I'm better. Anyways...my ranting does nothing...it just shows that Tom needs to stick with lines someone else has written for him. Because, I love maverick...and I love jerry mcguire...but I'll pass on Tom from now on.

Al Roker: You Rock! Here is what Al thought of the Interview:

Hey gang, so did you see Matt's interview this morning with Tom Cruise? Okay, I congratulate people who are passionate about their beliefs, their faith and their love. What frightens me a little bit is when that passion tries to steam roll others. I don't want anyone coming after me for knocking Scientology — let's be up front about that. Someone's religion is their deal as long as you don't hurt me or my loved ones with your beliefs, I'm cool with yours.

But I think Tom oversteps the line when he starts taking on people who use certain drugs to deal with either depression, mental illness or other problems. Can there be abuses, troubles and misdiagnosis? You bet. But there is too much evidence that points to real help for certain people.

Is Brooke Shields better because certain drugs helped her post partum depression? You have to look to her and her family for that answer, but it is not Tom Cruise's place to take her to task for her choices. Did they hurt Tom? Did they somehow cause problems for him? Hey, I have relatives who were on Ritalin. A couple it helped, a few it didn't. You don't see me on some crusade, bashing people who did nothing to me.

Just as we should shut up about wondering if Tom's relationship with Katie Holmes is a publicity stunt, Tom oughta pipe down about people he doesn't know about situations he hasn't experienced. You're an actor, not a med student. But the best part about being American is that you can say whatever the heck you want in this country, as loopy and as goofy as it might sound.

So let the war of the words continue — that's what America is all about.

Twin Fin

SIDEWAYS
Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.
Miles Raymond: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

We're not drinking Merlot...yeah Miles, we went straight for the Pinot!! It was one of those rare moments that I find myself, I find meaning and passion, and strength...I am able to find everything that I want out of life. And now it hits me how this happens so many times when we get together. Being with my sister and my cousins gives us all freedom. We come together so unique and as such individuals, and yet once we're together it's as if no time has passed at all. There is something magical in the moments we spend together.

This weekend was beyond expectations. Even amidst the rain. We got to spend time with Gramma...play some board games, eat some food...And then a trip down memory lane making more memories for times we've yet to imagine. This is why I find myself at Priest. Because when it's raining it's beautiful, it's magnificent...it's four girls sharing a couple of bottles of Pinot, drinking straight from the bottle laughing and loving every moment we get to share together. I mean, what luck there would be two...TWO twist-off bottles of wine in Nordman ID!!! We can create such a strength together, such a bonds...and these are the things that make everything worth it!

Sisters Rock! 

Ledgewood~where my home really is! 

Geoff Mom Sarah & Me hanging at Priest. 

The Gregory Family around the campfire 

Gregory/Taylor/Boitano Girls @ Low's Resort 

G-R-E-G-O-R-Y

I was given the choice to stay in Spokompton a little longer, keep working, a move to Boise a month later...and it weighed on my mind. My doubts about moving are only because of the things I will be leaving behind. I'm not scared at the things that are waiting, because I'm sure they'll work out just fine. But I don't want to stay, I'm ready to move. I guess I'll be missing the days of going home to sit around a campfire roasting a variety of passable foods, checking out the view and gabbing. We Gregory's...besides all the shit of any family, and all the shit of ours specifically, we've got it all together. I guess it surprises me that in all this dysfunction we are able to have such mind-blowing, awesome love for one another that trandscends into this incredible way we are able to bond and have fun doing practically nothing. It could be the fact that we are from the "place to do absolutely nothing" which probably sparked our fire from way back in the day! I'll just be sad to go, although it's what I need to do. We're taking one last day...one last designated Gregory day...for some Gin Rummy, some BBQ, some laughs, basically some good times. Another era comes to a close, leaving us open for whatever happens to come our way.

movin up, movin out, movin on

Of course the past hits you smack in the face just when you're ready to move on. Just when the future is waiting for me...one leap...one giant step and I can get away from this and move on. Instead, the past...the past gets me before I can even pretend I'm over it. I guess this honesty thing I've developed hasn't reached all aspects of myself. As much as I knew this would happen, I had some fake belief, some blind trust that I could be all I needed right now. I mean, I thought I was over this self destructive pattern of giving myself up to be taken down. Because that's the pattern, and that's all there ever will be. But why would I even do this again...why would I let him come back after all this time? I always have...but this is different, this time I've been coming into my own. I know who I am and what I want. And still, still I fall into the same scene, even though I know how it will turn out. So what the fuck is the point? I mean, why did I even waste my time, why did I pretend to be this changed person...therapy, drugs, aa...and it all comes crashing down around me. I've been expecting it to--I guess that's my problem, even after all this, I still just go through the motions. And what for, what did it get me...something to think about, something to talk about, someone??? Maybe that's it. It was just him, and what...is he what I need...probably not. Want. That's it...he's what I want, for how long? I guess you get what you deserve. In reality...isn't this head trip what I deserve? I have to move. I'm running away, yes, I can admit it. I'm running hard and fast away from self destructing with him again.

~JET: Move On~
Well I been thinking 'bout the future
But I'm too young to pretend
It's such a waste to always look behind you
Should be lookin' straight ahead

Yeah gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah it's hard
If you had have only seen
Take control
Don't be afraid of me

'Cause every once in a while
You think about if your gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you just don't feel like comin' home
Don't mean that you'll never arrive

Yeah I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah it's hard
If you had have only seen
Take control
Don't be afraid of me

Ignorance is Bliss

Well shit, I've been to the real world and it sucks! When I made my very necessary decision to drop out of college I didn't quite think about all the reprecussions. I would love very much to go back to the brilliant world of student loans, class, and even...Whitworth life. Okay, yeah, I did take it one step too far, but I would love to be getting some student loans and going to class. Quitting, gets you nothing but bills. Fuck! And only slightly more knowledge than a mere three years ago, when I was just a high school graduate. And I've spent a lot of money since then. So this move to Boise offers good things...except job stability. And yes, I hate my job right now, so quitting was inevitable. I'm just not sure I completely thought through the cost of moving...paying rent twice in one month and only living in one...only to be faced with the same amount in a few short weeks. With the threat of a zero balance I'm left with the wonderful option of ding ding ding, Boise State University. Yep, I've applied. I need to hit the grind and actually start working. But, I also need to stay on insurance, and being a drop-out don't keep you with mommy and daddy. And those student loans that I thought were so abstract...yeah, well they'll be due soon...and the only way to stop it: more school! Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! Boy, I wish I weren't on the wagon...I guess that's why I'm on in the first place...to stop myself from drowning my sorrows in whiskey. And retail therapy...yeah, that's fucking out too! I guess I have to deal with this head on...suck it up, and start job hunting.

Oh Happy Day!!

It's the first time in a long time things have been crazy and hectic and absolutely perfect. Okay--perfection is a stretch but it's a beautiful mess...a beautiful crazyness. I'm finally....yes finally working again like I used to, which is a double-edged sword. I'm really happy to be making some money, rather than just spending it, and good timing too because I am running pretty low. It's not the ideal situation I asked for with my boss, she's still late, still no schedule, but at least the "punishment" of 4 hour days is over. I guess my gratitute for finally working covers my anger for still being taken advantage of. Hey, poverty will do that do you!
The apartment hunt is over...with yes, a house instead. Hallelujah! So even filling out the 5 page application makes me happy. Besides, I need the practice for when I actually move and have to find a job. ouch. Which leaves me with the huge feat of packing. Usually I just stand in the center of the room of choice wondering just how I got all that damn stuff in my apartment anyways, and inevitably I throw a lot away. Another ouch. So my goal this time is to pack smart...room by room, but I've already messed that up, packing dvd's first...stupid, and ending up unpacking things I need. Hopefully the deadline of 28 days will snap me into a packing frenzy!
And this week is passing quickly, I hope I can get it all done. Geoff's graduation is on saturday...yikes! my baby bro graduating from high school and entering the real world--am I ready for this? He is, so I guess I should follow his lead! That and birthdays, weddings, and tying up all the lose ends before we leave...let's hope the sunfire can keep up with all the dashing around~

Hot Potato

One month to go. Sarah and I went down to Boise last weekend so she could meet with the principal of her new school and we could find a place to live. It was awesome. I can't wait until we can move back to Idaho...and can enjoy it this time. Okay, so the whole trip wasn't without stress--how about the thoughts "why the fuck am I even moving?" and the whole freeway/Fred Meyer debacle, and that shitty apartment with a freaking sink in the bedroom (what exactly would you do with a sink in a bedroom anyways...???)But what can I say--I am a Gregory, and thinks have a way of working out for us! Including the spectacular brand new house, located in 'Destiny Cove' we are going to rent...and what, it's also affordable?!?! Conviently with a third bedroom (can a get a shout out EMILY)And I love Boise. I love everything about it. We had a blast checking things out (courtesy em's big bro matty) ate at a fabulous restaurant, and spent time in the coolest bar I've ever been. Spokane's got nothing on this. And really, fuck the antidepressants...Idaho is my antidepressant!!!

Finally Woken

I've been thinking 'bout things
For a long while
I'm feeling so calm
I've got a big smile
I have a view of the sun
Right over the sea
And now I can feel
Life is flowing through me

You see I've finally woken
From a long sleep
I'm ready to jump
To make that blind leap
Coz I now believe
I have the power in me
I've got the faith baby
I can truly be free

Finally Woken
Finally Woken

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
And I say it'll be alright
(be alright)
Today's the first day of the
Rest of your life
Remember, remember,
Remember this, remember
~Finally Woken~Jem~

Movin Out

I am counting the days until I can move! I've been nervous about moving and where that would leave Emmy--but I should have known, she is being more understanding than anyone else. I'm sad to be losing her as a roommate, but hope she will think about Boise after she graduates. And it just makes me grateful for the people in my life who really understand what it means to be a friend. Which is another reason I'm psyched to be leaving--my job and the stress my boss seems to create. I have always put them first and worked my schedule totally around theirs. Until one day. One day in over a year and she gets pissy. No thanks. I think I will be leaving as soon as possible, but you just made it a whole lot easier. Sarah and I will have a beautiful apartment, which we get to find next weekend!!! and the rest is just up to fate!

Closer

I think some real progress is being made. After 2 months of the usual bullshit and the easy stuff I'm hitting the road to figuring out something with truth to it. I've been feeling better lately, back to a semblance of who I was, able to do the things I really enjoyed. It was nice to be out of the hole long enough to remember what I thought was important. My faith. My journey with God is back on track and I can start to figure out who that means I am. What I want my life to look like. Each day is something I have to work hard at, but at least I can remember what it was I believed. It's a release, a pressure absolved to be able to see hope again, to look to the future with excitement. And I still don't know where I'm headed or why, but I have the faith now that it's the right direction for the right reasons.

Fallen...

Heaven Bend to take my hand/And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer/To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best/But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen/I have sunk so low
I messed up/Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent/When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves/The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning/In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything/I've held so dear

Heaven bend to take my hand/I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends/To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed/Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed
~Fallen~Sarah McLachlan~

Gonzaga Grads! 

Happy Graduation Day!!  

Geoff sporting the newest addition to his face. 

Dad and Sarah Celebrating 

learn to swim before you drown

Today feels like the beginning. It's starting to make sense again. I can see a finish line but I'm really racing to the beginning. I can't wait to move. I can't wait to get a new apartment, live with my sister and get a new job. I feel like this is a place I really belong. I don't want to run away again, hoping this will fix everything because I know that can't happen. But I think I've seen what I need to do, and it will be hard, but that's life.
Yesturday my sister graduated. It was exciting. The rest of her life is waiting for her. But the rest of my life is waiting too. And I don't need a college diploma for that to happen. I don't need to be married or have kids or a dog or a great career. I have a great family, great friends, a growing faith and some deep happiness. It may be cheesy but a month ago I couldn't see that and be greatful. I didn't want to see that. I didn't want anything. And everyday I struggle to remember what it is that I want. But today it zapped me in the face. Sometimes you have to have the faith and belief. You have to learn to swim before you drown.

My bro's newest pets...cute now, but what do you do with ducks? 

Learn to be Still

I can connect to music. When everything is else is falling apart, this keeps me together. I can rationalize that I'm not the only one. It's fascinating to me that it can instantaneously bridge you to a completely different time and variety of people...but still this one song/lyric/verse is strong enough to hold it together.

I still trying to grapple with my last session of therapy. It shook me more because it was unknown. I guess I've hidden for a long time about the circumstance: the affair, the fallout, the emotional/verbal/physical pain, the dysfunction. I know none of that helped my case, but would it have made a difference? It certainly mattered...but I feel now like it was inevitable. I could have found something else to block what I was really feeling, I would have. This crash has been slowly occuring for a long time...and maybe those things took it to the edge.

The Eagles~Learn to be Still
It’s just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You’d give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-
Learn to be still

We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don’t know how to be alone
So we wander ’round this desert
And wind up following the wrong gods home
But the flock cries out for another
And they keep answering that bell
And one more starry-eyed messiah
Meets a violent farewell-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

Now the flowers in your garden
They don’t smell so sweet
Maybe you’ve forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet

There are so many contridictions
In all these messages we send
(we keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin’
It’s waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

You just keep on runnin’
Keep on runnin’

TheGemState

It's official, we're actually moving. My sissy and I are taking the plunge--moving back to Idaho. Yes, I'm leaving the safety of a job, an apartment, and minimum wage being more than $5.15 (yikes!) So she had an interview today...and actually got hired by the end of the interview (Pretty spectacular!!). It'll be an interesting experience livin it up in Southern Idaho for a change...but I've heard nothing bad about Boise, which is where we'll be.
When she thought about going to grad school, I warmed to the idea of staying put, enjoying life in Washington for a change. And on the plus side I would get to stay living with my very cool, very funny, very amazing freshly returned from Argentina roomate. Which is the only sad thing I find about leaving Spokane...how I will miss my M.
It's good news though. We have a destination. It's a solid block to build the rest of the foundation. And living with my sis again will be fantastic (saves gas money going to see her!) and I won't mind a roommate who is gainfully employed! All in all the news is good and helps with everything else. Plus, our stuff meshes very well together, so our house will have no option besides looking fabulous!

Fumbling Towards Sanity

"Painful. It must be painful to talk about..." Somehow, until I heard that outloud it didn't ever register. Of course. Of course it's painful to talk about, it's painful to think about, feel, everyday, all the time. It's no wonder, I guess why I'm this way. And I've been one to examine my feelings, shit I can't seem to get around them. But something connected the dots today. I'm always waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. For the next part to be better. But it never is. So where does the cycle end? How do I find a happy ending? I don't know if there is such a thing...I don't know if I am capable of being happy. I don't know how that would even look. But I'm drowning in this stuff. It's taking away all of the air and I don't know how to survive. Again, I guess that's why I'm in counseling...I guess that's why I'm on the zoloft. It's supposed to be a start, right--I'm finally doing something?

The Destination--Call Sign?

I was just thinking back on Christmas...traveling to Central Washington (once my least favorite place I'd ever been--now I slightly enjoy it) when the caravan decided if we were to properly engage in walkie-talkie conversation we would need call signs, our given names just would not work. So the names emerged...from where I still cannot put my finger on. My identity became "maverick" and I find it mildly fascinating. It came to my attention that the names cannot be changed, yet I see no need for them to be. In the span of 39 long seconds it seems we have properly call-signed everyone in fam fairly accurate!

mav·er·ick
n. One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.
adj. being independent in thought and action or exhibiting such independence: maverick politicians; a maverick decision.

gypsy One inclined to a nomadic, unconventional way of life.

Rusty Nail; Webster; Syatic--definitions yet to be determined, although containing a healthy bit of information!

where does the good go?

It comes back to me in slices. Yesturday, I felt the sun...I mean, I really felt it, experienced it. And I pretended harder than I ever have that everything is alright. I spent time with my friends, I can't remember the last time we hung out. I don't know where those feelings go...in between the good days. But it was nice, to find it, for the moment, for the memories. And today is another moment I can vaguely remember, but not quite touch it the way it used to be. Faint. Unbreak the broken...that's all I wish could happen. Unbreak the broken.

if that's what it takes

The journey begins. In an effort to become myself again, I'm joining the rest of American's on a prescription drug fix. I swore a long time ago I would never need them, I would never become like him--I would not have to take them. I guess biology makes that choice for you. I'm not capable of fixing this myself, I can't climb out of the hole I find myself. I'm in this hole, near the water, and the tide keeps coming in and I feel like it will give me a little step to climb out of, a little boost. But then, the water dissapears, and it takes more of the sand away with it, and I'm still where I was before. I don't even really know what that means.
I'm tired of feeling like this--I want out of the bell jar. But it can't go back, I've seen something...I'm not capable of ignoring all the things that have happened. Which leaves me hopeless...which leads me to the drugs. And I'm scared to take them, but I may be even more afraid of what else could happen without them. And that's what hurts so much.

Fearing the Inevitable

There are two things I am afraid of: fire, and death. A waste of a fear, if you ask me...fearing the inevitable. I can picture it sometimes, an out of body experience, of what would happen. When I pull out from an intersection I can see the other car going too fast, I can feel the impact, I can hear the brakes screaching, glass breaking. And then, the moment's gone and I realize I'm still driving, and things are fine. It happens differently, but the end result is the same.
I guess I should have a stronger faith in God, or I wouldn't be afraid of dying. But I don't. I'm not certain that I would go to Heaven. Because I'm pretty screwed up, and I could have committed some sin my heart is okay with. I can't feel God's presence in my life...and so it makes me question everything. I'm basing my entire life on this one thing, and it just feels so empty.
I guess my fear of fire is a logical secondary emotion; all the fire and brimstone of hell, of course. The pain associated with fire is much more intense. There is pain and total destruction. Fire seems to have it's own spirit and it destroys all in it's path. I'm terrified of my house burning down. Worse, of experiencing it happening. Of being trapped, in your own home, with no escape.

All the King's Horses & All the King's Men...

Couldn't put it back together again. I don't know whether in actuality Humpty was better off. Now I'm forced to decide whether it's even worth it. I'm broken. My family is broken. But I just need her to be my mother. In all the years she's been my friend, and that includes all the various scads of emotions that have run the course. I am aware of my meanness, and I can add salt to the deepest emotional wounds. But fuck it. I just want her to be my mom. For this one time in my life, can't she just be what I need unconditionally, without expectations of what she needs right now. When given the choice--I have to choose to stand on my own. I have to be able to do this for myself. I don't want to lose her as my friend. But if she can't be my mother, my mother, there can be no possiblity that she can ever be my friend. And it breaks my heart to lose her. But I will do that right now. I am in that place that I can lose her. I'm putting the pieces back together again, and I need to know how many I have. If she can't be there for me, or for the family--then I'll be forced to mourn her.
And all the King's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Heather together again.

Wednesday Music

Do you ever feel like breaking down? /Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong /And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away? /Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud /That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like /When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt /To feel lost /To be left out in the dark
To be kicked /When you're down /To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down /And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else? /Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more /Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate? /Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies /While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face /And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy /But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted /You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like /What it's like

To be hurt /To feel lost /To be left out in the dark
To be kicked /When you're down /To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down /And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
~Simple Plan~

Anyone's Ears Burning?

Imagine my surprise to receive a phone call from The Aunt yesturday. The initial shock, due of course to the fact that neither her or The Uncle have called me directly...at least since August. The real kicker...we had gotten into a very passionate and emotional discussion about the very fallout with The A&U that very day. My rage of course--an all time high. So I ignored call numero uno. (Gotta love caller ID.) A little bummer though--I answered call 2, unaware of the person on the other end of the line. Shit. So, the discussion continued. It's not that I'm still mad at the initial cause of the problems. I'm mad (hurt, I think, as well) at the blatant denial that there is a problem. They can both excuse it away, but it didn't come out of thin air. And if it meant nothing to them, that just demonstrates my point...it means something to me and whether they acknowledge that or not, it's still there. We tabled the dicussion, The A and me, until Wednesday, with all parties. It should be interesting. Fiery. But interesting.

MoNk'S

I've been thinking about what I want to do with life...what I really want to do. All the typical things popped into my mind, of what I could do-or should be doing, and I threw all of those out. I don't want to be stuck in something because it seems the most practical (or the most profitable!)
Dream Job 1) Be a writer. Like one of those books about real family life, growing up, living...the kind you can't put down until you've finished. I want to write a book that makes you laugh and makes you cry. I want to be able to capture human emotion, in a very childish, vulnerable and yet engaging and powerful medium.
Dream Job 2) Cafe. The resturant thing is no joke...the name is "Monks" won't really work, but I'll do for now. It'll be a throwback to the time when people mattered and coffee and breakfast was a normal routine. But simple. Comfort menu, relaxing atmosphere.
Neither of these seems too out of reach...you gotta have a goal...you've got to have somewhere to go...