Great Expectations~

"There's nothing like the holidays to screw up a family."
"In my case there's nothing like a family to screw up a family."
Gilmore Girls

"Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I don't. But I never ever wanna let you go. The road's not easy; the feelings're stronger. It's the little things that keep us holding on."
Gabrielle--Sometimes

It's the idea of who we are together. The idea of who we should be when we're together. Jokes, laughter, fond memories in the making. Early morning conversation by the fire, coffee in hand, embracing the love and the incredible gift it is just to be all together. Taking the moment to forget everything else and just celebrate our family and where we are today.

Maybe it's just too much, or maybe it's not even true. Maybe it never was true. Maybe this is my own perception on who we are as a family and I've been fooling myself into believing it. Into believing all the shit of the past happened so that we could stand here looking back and just be grateful. Honestly I don't know how many more of these family get-togethers turned family-therapy sessions I can take. Because if I am fooling myself, I think I might rather stay in this pleasant land of make-believe; it sure beats the hell out of fighting all through Christmas.

I'm sick of the fighting, sick of the games. Sick of the mistakes from our past. Sick of intentions. Misconceptions. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. Can't we just celebrate Christmas--open gifts, eat dinner, spend a few days hanging out and playing games--without all the bullshit? Can't we celebrate the birth of Jesus without crying and tension and hurt feelings?

My view on my family is either so unrealistic it's hilarious, or it's so unrealistic I should be bursting into tears at any moment. Have I created my own reality, my own expectations for the 5--err--7 of us that we can never achieve? Have I created a family that is entirely fictitious? I'm not sure I want to find out the truth. I may prefer to withdraw completely in order to keep the hope alive.

Life has just gotten to be too much for the Gregory's to handle--wedding plans, relationships, finances, home improvement, even the turkey dinner is up for debate. Nothing is done right, and somewhere along the line we all forgot how to simply laugh about it. Isn't that who we are as a family? Isn't that why we are so great? Because we don't pretend to be people we're not; we're fiercly proud of who we are, and we can laugh at the rest, we can laugh at the disasters that come along.

Maybe I have unreal expectations. I'm starting to see I may be the only one who feels this way about the 5 of us. (I know the family is growing, and I embrace that, I try and welcome KC and MM into the family.) But maybe it's not enough for all of us. Maybe it's changing and dissapearing because that's how they want it.

Maybe what I want is nothing more than a fairy tale.

For now, I'm choosing to stay in the warm house with the little family sitting around the fire playing cards and laughing together. Fairy tale or not, it's where I want to be.

Christmas Blues~

The most wonderful time of the year is over. I'm not sure if I can wait 365 days for it to come around again, for the chance for a do-over. I want a redo, a mulligan, I want Christmas 2006: take two! I want the Christmas memories with peace and goodwill toward men. I want a Christmas that counts.

~~~~~~~~~After the 60 mile drive in a complete white-out I was anxious for the festivities to begin. Amid the falling snow we unloaded the cars: presents, cookies, breads, snacks and games. Holiday cheer was in the air and our wish for a white Christmas had come true. It was one of those unique moments--a Bing Crosby song in the making.

The family arrived--the siblings and their other halves; the grandma with all her holiday caramels, fudge, and deviled eggs; the aunt and uncle with their doggies, the cousin with her doggy, and the uncle fresh out of rehab (out because of the broken back, not because he'd kicked the desire to have a drink), mom, dad and me, and the partridge in a pear tree.

The day was as great as it could have been under the situation. Good people, good food, good conversation. We had our traditional dinner of spectacular soups homemade by mother, took advantage of the gigantic flakes and hit the hills for some sledding, and the annual gingerbread contest. Maybe the contest is where it all fell apart. Too many cooks in the kitchen shall we say. Rather, people trying to dictate and direct where neither was wanted or needed. What started out as a something to get the family together, to visit, to create, has turned into a rather bitter contest fueled not by the desire to have fun, but to win. The magic, the fun that made this activity what it is was missing this year.

Then we opened the gifts, I believe, in the best and only way to do so. A family gift exchange. Interesting gifts, unique recipients, without breaking the bank. We've done something right! And then it was over. The family headed out. No time to sit and enjoy. A day packed with one thing and before it's cleaned up, we've moved on to the next, over and over, and then it's done.

Then *the Fiasco 5 plus 2* had to celebrate our family Christmas. Our family moment was rushed because if not that night, we'd have to wait until Wednesday to be together again. In a flash we'd finished. Wrapping paper strewn about, gifts scattered around the floor, smiles and thank-you's passed around. But at the end all I felt was dissapointment. No anticipation, no sitting around enjoying the moment, just done.

I woke up Christmas Eve crabby. Everything was over. Everything I look forward to all year was done. And we didn't get to savor, we didn't get to enjoy. Like a blur, like waking up realizing you've overslept and missed everything. I was upset. I was sad. It's not about the gifts, it's about the excitement, the anticipation.

Christmas is magical for me. It's going to church on Christmas Eve in rooms lit only by candle light. It's the miracle of life. It's music that moves you to tears. It's family gathering around, not saying a word, and yet knowing how each other feels. It's a moment which could be a second or hours, but where time doesn't matter.
2006 was a good year for me, the best so far, and I hoped the holidays could be as great. It wasn't all a disaster--we played several rounds of rummy, scrabble, scattergories, loaded questions, and knock; the sledding adventure of 12-23-06 was a hit, just me and my bro like old times, except with the welcome addition of G's KC; the mornings we managed to visit in front of the fire without fighting.

I'm determined not to end this year on a bad note. Somehow, somewhere along the line I became an optomistic gal--and 2006 is not going to end badly for me. New Year's Eve--here I come. I'm going to get myself focused and ready to face 2007--Cheers to life. To Appreciation. To Celebration.

All is Calm, All is Bright~

I'm on this incredible journey measured in weeks, months, years. This beautiful ride measured in family and friends. Measured in love.

Mornings are my time for thinking, for inspiration; cup of coffee in my hand, I'm ready for battle. These moments have shaped me in a profound way; this is who I want to be, I want nothing but a lifetime of these moments. A little glimpse of light came one morning years ago, but it brought an introspection no amount of journal entries, or worldview papers could ever touch. In a single moment of clarity I realized, for the first time who I was, and who I wanted to become.

This year has been incredible for me. For the first time in my life I am satisfied, I am content at the end of the day, at the end of each day. No more questions, no more doubts, no more horrible mistakes in an effort to discover the truth. That's not to say the questions or the doubts don't come, because they most certainly do. But I'm ready this time, I'm armed for the battle, and I know what I'm fighting for, and I'm not alone.

This morning the Christmas tree is lit, the apartment is quiet, and my coffee is beside me. I'm no longer lost, left wandering through life. I'm not making any more gambles with my heart up for ante. For some, I suppose it may seem as if I'm hiding from the mistakes and the dangers of life. I see you. And I raise you. Hiding--a state of mind. I'm not hiding--I'm living life, I'm just done risking it all on stupid mistakes and bad choices.

I look at where I am today and for me, it's nothing short of divine intervention.

This is exactly where I need to be. I have been blessed with an incredible (expanding) family, who is my rock. We have such fierce love and respect for one another it bonds us in incredible ways. I would give up my happiness, my fortune, my health, for any member of my family if it's what they needed to survive. We have bad times with the good; and we also have a rare ability to get together, laugh, reminisce and enjoy one another. To turn any simple day into a celebration. We are real, we are happy, we are family.

I've been blessed to be given a job, that has never been about a job to me, it's about family. As I look over the jobs I've had just in the last 4 years it's easy to loose track. I've worked part-time, full-time, work study, volunteer, childcare, food service, politics, and books. I've given two-week notice, two-hour notice, and about a two-month notice.
But when I walk into that house every day and see the two most beautiful children in the world (tie of course with any nieces or nephews I may have) every problem goes right out the window. Jacquelyn and Nathanael are such perfect examples of the miracle that is childhood. They are inquisitive, the are innocent, they say whatever is on their minds. To be a part of their lives, to watch them learn and grow, is nothing but humbling. That I'm allowed to be a part of the family means so much more than any paycheck I could ever get. I'm constantly in awe of the support and love I get from "my bosses" who are not my employers but my friends, my second family. Add that I get paid, they make sure I can live this life is really just the icing on the cake.

Sometimes the state of the world, the state of my life gets to be too much. For an instant panic takes over and I feel I've lost all I've gained. But then the morning comes, and the quiet apartment, the comforts of my life, the coffee and the introspection remind me I'm safe, I'm protected and I'm loved. And that's all I need.

Christmas Time is Here~

"I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love." Linus Van Pelt A Charlie Brown Christmas

I don't specifically know how I ended up at Wal Mart. My personal feelings about the company aside--sometimes a gal's budget just takes over. Not to mention the fact that it is already December 6th and I'm in still without a tree. Oh, I love the Christmas tree and the entire process. Trekking up to mom and dad's to cut a tree off the family place is just practically a postcard in itself. It's all very nostalgic to me, even though I can't actually remember us ever specifically doing that, although I know we did, I'm sure we did.

I am very against the fake tree, with it's prelit lights and no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever. I love the evergreens, the Douglass firs, the Colorado pines. Whatever. I'm a sellout. This being 12-6 I marched over to wal-mart, I got my 5 1/2 foot prelit, easily assembled tree. For $29.99. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But last year I was forced to get a tree off of the lot for 65 bucks! At least I'm not doing that again. {I guess I didn't technichally fork over any dough...as I left my wallet at home...oh, the schmoopies didn't mind at all:)}

With a little love, I'm hoping this tree will bring a little magic.

All By Myself~

I did it. It's done. The roommate disaster has been solved--at least on the surface. Roommate is moving out when the lease is up. I felt so adult keeping my rage at bay and focusing on the issues. Regardless of how bad the relationship has gotten, I still wanted to keep the dissolution semipeaceful. I brought out the big guns: kept my emotions in check, stated the facts--out of respect for what our friendship used to be, and for the sake of my sister and the new addition to her family.

I was honest, to a point. I was nice, to a point. But this was a new experience for me. An intense conversation, an intense relationship where I let myself take care of me. My motives aren't selfish, it's about self-preservation, and if I'm not taking care of me, nobody is. A long hard lesson I'm finally able to live, to experience positively.

Finally--I get my own apartment!! My own space, without having to share or be polite. I can decorate and organize and live any way I want. I'm excited to be able to just be who I am without critique or explanation. I can be up at 6 am with the music on. I can be in bed by 9 pm with the hall light on. I can have the coffee mug of my choice and the washing machine whenever I want. I can write without interruption.