morning coffee

When I first moved down here my morning routine took a pretty long hiatus. But now we're successfully back in business...and I'm just waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. This whole moment makes my day. This little routine is what I crave, not just for the caffeine fix. I guess it defines me. Coffee. With Amaretto. In a particular mug for each day...for how I want each day to go, for my mood.
It hit me a long time ago that this action, this routine helps me stay grounded. I'm being 100% true to myself.
In the apartment coffee brought us both together in the morning. Em, stumbling out of bed, eager, I'm sure, for the day to begin. I was territorial about how the coffee was made, but was usually the first up so she didn't really have to know...but we'd have our coffee. And chat. Watching Matt and Katie and the Today Show gang...catching up on the news. Or run around trying to find a lid for the travel mug and trying not to be late for school. The weekends we got to sit around drinking coffee, putting off homework, figuring out what we were going to do that night, possibly fighting off a hangover or two.
Down here, I'm a solo coffee drinker. Make it myself whenever I stumble out of bed in the morning. Drink it while I'm getting ready for work. Listening to music.
It brings people together. It keeps me together. It's regular, it's everyday, it's comfortable. It's pjs and messy hair, it's in a thermos at the football game, the campfire, the hunting trip, the journey. It's the journey.

tips

I love working in a restaurant. I love it. I love working in the back, I love working with the customers. Most customers. We have a guy and his son and they come into our RR maybe once every couple of weeks. They are so great. Yeah, they give me a hard time...but they talk to me like a human being...they joke, they laugh, they're great. I have a lot of regulars come in without notice. But these guys have been in my section once, said they'd ask for my section next time, and they did.
Oh, and then we have a night like last. Pretty slow...not much going on. I again got talked into closing. We sent some servers home and so the night was decent. I hate stupid people. You have questions: ask. I'll be happy to answer them. You wanna know the price: read the menu! There's a tip for you. And teenagers, why are they such bad tippers? Their parents are giving them money, (or what they're working 10 hours a week in between gossip and class and homecoming.) So not only was my table teenagers....tough to deal with already, but thought they were getting ripped off...which of course makes any teenager want to make a scene. They were wrong...you gotta pay for what you ordered. Anyways...then I got busy within like 15 minutes of closing...shitty. And I volunteered to go in on my day off...shitty. Oh well...maybe I'll have some regulars today!

My Father....My HERO!

Check it out kids: the list is in. The top 10 most dangerous jobs. And guess where dear old dad falls...(yipes poor word choice..knock on wood.) Drumroll please.....dudududududududududududud

1. Logging workers
Fatalities: 92.4 per 100,000 employed
Median Pay: $29,730
Logging and timber workers duties include cutting down trees and cutting and moving logs, providing the raw material for countless products. The nature of their work puts them at constant risk of being killed by heavy, falling objects.

Welp, thanks dad for going to the most dangerous job everyday for us, your fam. And good luck out there today. Go get 'em! And be safe!

Life is Good.

Whoa...heavy statement. A lotta truth. Life is good. My life is good. And really it's that simple. I had a moment, a slice of panic wondering if all this was worth it. I started to forget everything I've worked for and all I had left was that I ran away. Simple--I ran away from my house, my job, school, my friends, jj... I ran away from all my problems. And I started to feel guilty about all that. About having to completely run away for it to be okay. I started to feel shame and embarrased that basically I couldn't stand up strong where I was. I was ashamed I had to leave to be okay. That I couldn't just stop doing what was making me feel so bad.
And then it hit me: I had to be brave to leave. I had to be. Because otherwise I would still be there and I would still be in that pit. I'm better now. I am going to be okay. And if it takes me never going back to that "place" with him or with anybody else, then that's what it takes. It's okay for me to run. Because it would be naive for me to think I would be okay if I was still living there, just starting back to school this fall, working with those two beautiful babies. Yeah, I might pretend like it was okay, but it wouldn't be. And I only want to go through that mess and fear one time in my life. I don't want to go back to that.
So I'm here. I'm having an amazing time living with Sarah. We connect. We're best friends and I guess it's because we're sisters too...there's something safe, something vulnerable, something strong in that bond. We're having the fun that is why I wanted to move with her in the first place. Because no matter what, we have each other and hey, that's still pretty fucking lucky. And I love my job. It makes me happy...even when I have to stay late and work hard, it makes me happy. And I'm happy to go every day. Which is beyond words.
And I'm giving props to the man upstairs. Because that's all I really need. That's my beginning, my end, and all my inbetween. But Jesus came so my life would be full of life...starting now...and ending, well never. Yay! So yeah, I have the strength in me...through Christ to be okay. I gave it all up...and it led me here...something I couldn't see for a long time. But this is where I need to be.

The NO-C?

Yes, I am a tv junkie. And yes, I am into current events. And yes, I have compassion and care what is going on in the world. Do I want George W. interrupting my primetime programming? Not particularly. I'm definitely okay with preemption of tv for current events or national news, but I just want a little info. Missing half of the OC and Survivor (partly because of this new stupid time zone with all tv an hour early?! what is that about?!?) Just save it for next week, playing it half an hour late is just killin me. It's my out...it's my escape from all the other crap in the world and it's nice to have this.
Yeah, I'll survive...I was just looking forward to watching Season 3 in real time, and not having to wait for the dvd.

the baby blues

My family. Whew. They're the rock...sometimes they're the storm. Right now one in particular is brewing a little storm of his own.
I love my brother so much.
I'm so sad for him. I'm worried about him.
I'm worried about his life. And I thought this was a phase...something he was experimenting with. But now I'm not sure. I feel helpless~I don't know what to say to him or what to do to help him. I know he's trying to find himself, find his own rhythm...but he's too bogged down by someone else's rhythm to breathe. He's this little shithead who won't lift a damn finger to help himself or anybody else. And Geoff is a good person. He used to be such a great guy, full of life...full of compassion, full of love. And now I don't really know him. I want to be able to take care of him, but I don't know what that looks like because I don't know what he needs.
I know it's not helping him to be taken care of by a habitual liar, someone who wouldn't know the truth if it bit her in the ass. She's just feeding his desire to screw 'the man' and anyone else who wants anything for him. I'm not saying Geoff needs a wife, a college degree, a 9-5 job with a white-picket fence and 2.7 kids. But he needs something. Something to get up everyday for. Something he can be proud of, something he can do.
And that's what makes me sad...because I don't know if he has that. It's like he's shut everything off, everything of what he used to be and he's just running. Which I understand, to a point. But at somepoint, he's got to start paying his own way in life. Start paying to run...because even that is not free and the world doesn't owe him any favors.
I'm scared for him because I know he's on the edge where we could lose him forever. I feel like there has to be something I can do. I don't want to save him, but I want him to see he is worth saving...he can save himself.
And maybe that's the thing...maybe I'm just being selfish, and I want him to be okay for me...and if that's the case, I can't be sorry...because I do miss him, I miss my little brother. But I don't want to watch him throw his life away. And I realize he may be just in a phase. A longer one than we thought.

Workin' Hard for the Money

I love my job. I do. I have a job that I like going to everyday. I don't think I've been able to say that ever before. I don't think I've done anything...pay or not that I've liked everyday. And now, here it is. Something I've always wanted to do in the back of my mind, something I'm finally doing. And I love it.

Not that there aren't days that make me want to rip my hair out. Because there are. Those days, like last night...where everything I do wrong gets noticed (and pointed out) and everything I do above and beyond gets forgotten. It's hard, it would be easier to rip off the uniform and look for a new job. Some days where the people think I get paid fortunes to deliver their food and drinks and damn it, that's all I'm good for. But there are people who make it worth while, on both sides. But I love this one too much. It's too much becoming a part of who I am. I wouldn't give it up...tempting as it was.

Until...until I got some recognition. And damn, baby, it feels good. Tonight, getting pulled over by the GM for some face time. Some time "for us to let you know we want to keep you...and we want to make sure you stay." Not really a big deal for them, but a huge deal for me. It got me through extra hours. I'm valued...and so is my opinion. Which is a huge compliment. That place is becoming my second home. And I feel really fortunate to have such a great job right.

parallel-universe-old-west-ghost-town

I think this is some crazy shit. Last weekend the fam was here...And if my dad said once, he said it at least a million times that he wanted to drive out "into the mountains." Yeah, no offense, I'll always be a Northern Idaho girl...there are no mountains down here, at least not many with trees! Anyways, we indulged him, and headed east (I know...east?!?!) Yeah, well there are some trees out there beyond Boise and so that was all grand and good. I don't know how far we went...like 35 miles or something and we stumble into this parallel-universe-old-west-ghost-town IDAHO CITY. City? Ummm..fuck no. This place is country like I've never seen...and I'm a north idaho girl. So there's cowboys and a saloon and a place to park your horses, where honest to God... somebody had parked their horse. Okay, so we walk around this town for a bit...check out all the wild west paraphanalia...get a DP @ Calamity Jane's (yes, the only place that sold Dr. Pepper was a restaurant and I use that term loosely that had tree stumps as stools!) and then we leave. I swear. We left, no sudden movements, nothing suspicious. Fast forward...the next day we see on the news the forest fire raging near Idaho City they've dubbed THE GREGORY FIRE! WTF. Seriously WTF! I know we must have made an impression, what with our new-fangled automobile, and those little cell phones, taking photographs, gee golly! But shit, THE GREGORY FIRE. That's just the coolest thing that's happened in Idaho City, ever!

Every Little Thing

Some real craziness...Whitworth, back in session. I'm starting what was supposed to be my senior year working as a waitress. It's weird thinking about school starting and not being there to bitch about being back in school. And yesturday when I realized my friends were going back to class and I was going back to work I got sad. I'm going to miss some of the amazing times I had at Whitworth...walking to class late with Em...trying to get anyone living on campus to hook us up with a place to crash, or buy us food, late night talks and bonding. I did have some great times there and it will never be the same again. Even now, most of my friends are gone, married and expecting...but still, part of me feels like I should be there too.
I'm glad I'm here right now. A part of me knows I couldn't handle being there right now...too much to prove. I guess that was always my biggest problem. I had way too much to prove to everyone along the way. It's scary, but also pretty fucking cool that I know myself enough now to know I'm doing so good, because I am not there. I can be off the damn prescription and I can feel stronger, but part of me being strong is staying away. And things here are getting me on track. I have a great time at work and there are some really great people there. I'm surprised at the people...I don't have to explain everything I do or why and they accept it. They accept a part of me I'm trying to become right now. Which is unique in it's own way and something I've never had.
And the next 9 months will go on. I had no idea one year ago this is where I would be. So I can't very well plan on what I will be doing next September. And for now, I'm okay. I'm alright with missing my friends and my old life and being disappointed that I couldn't finish school. Because I have more chances.

Flying High

Going back to all the places I used to be. All the time I wanted to capture forever. I stopped taking my medication, it's been gradual, forgetting it here and there, one morning realizing I don't need it. I don't need two pills a day to make me happy. Make it okay. I am okay without it. Being able to write that down, being able to say it outloud, being able to do it means so much to me. Until you face it, really grasp that this could be a part of your life forever, it really freaked me out. I'm of it, completely out of the bottomless dispair that faced me everyday in the mirror. And now I think I've prepared for when it happens again. To make sure it won't happen again. These moments come to me in flashes, where I can remember the beginnings of when it would happen. How I would start to drown, panic would rip through my entire body. It changed me this time. I am a different person now because, or inspite of it.
But I wake up and I'm happy. I'm happy about life about everything I'm going to get thrown at me today. I'm prepared for what's next.