Fast Cars and Freedom

Oh boy, if given a choice...I would probably have to choose a fast car [that way I could get away from the bastards trying to take away my freedom;)] But lucky me...I don't have to choose 'cause rascal flatts hooked me up with both in one really good song. I guess that's all it really takes to make me happy. Okay, yeah...that is all it takes to make me anything. Happy, sad, pissed, elated...basically a glimmer of anything and the music takes care of the rest.
But the mood isn't only credited to "baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder." I had little bit of divine intervention. Yay. I'm always looking for it...it took a little time but I finally figured out I had it. I've had it. And it doesn't look like it's going anywhere. It's this moment. It's nothing and everything all wrapped up in one. I've been all freaking out like what the fuck is the rest of my life going to mean...and it's not that I don't care, but I know the rest of my life isn't the rest of my life. I have forever. And that's definitely enough for me. It's more than enough. So this life thing...I don't have to figure it out. I can go to school, and drop out, and move away, and work and live, and I can move back and finish school...or not. But the thing is I can. I am able. I am able to do what I want, and so why not make the healthy choices as long as I can.
It was the time for me to move. But someday it will be time for me to move back. And that will be okay. And I will be okay.

Flying Blind

It's this maze...these huge brick walls I keep running into. I know there is a right way to go, and I know there is a way that is right, but will take a lot longer, and I know there is a wrong way. The trouble is I just don't know which is which. I feel for the first time, that I'm no longer choosing the way I know is wrong so I don't have to feel like I've failed. Knowingly choosing what was wrong saved me in some fucked up kind of way. Well..it fucked me up, but at least that was my choice.
But I stopped doing that. I'm trying to stop doing that. And I think that's why God led me to Boise. I think the life I had made in Spokane, at Whitworth, for the most part was me ramming into the brick wall...me choosing the wrong way because I didn't feel I could choose any other path.
I am happy that I made the decision to move to Boise. I'm glad I left Whitworth, because I don't think I appreciated or realized what I was doing there and I know I didn't work hard at succeeding. I didn't know, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Which is why I know it was such a good decision to leave.
I'm still in the maze, but for the first time I'm starting to see a few more windows. I'm not flying blind into this future I'm not prepared for and I don't even want. And since February, I've been pretending to be okay, and then I couldn't even pretend anymore. But it's hitting me now. I have to change. Because at some point I have to get to the end of the maze. And to do that I have to pay attention and be healthy and be OKAY along the way.
I'm extremely reflective for some reason. I'm getting some light to this dark tunnel. You can only see as far as the headlights shine...but you can make the whole trip that way. I guess I'm realizing...I can go back...back to Whitworth, back to school...whatever. Or I could go forward, to anywhere...to do anything. I have time, and I have faith...so I guess I just have to wait (maybe a little more patience :) and know that I will get to the end of the maze. And it will be safe. And I will be okay.

Shades of Rain

I was feeling lost again...something was missing. I want to be somewhere and feel still, feel like I don't have to move. Like I don't want to move. And I've been feeling like something is pulling me. And I'm going before I'm ready, and I'm going blind. I'm not trying to avoid reality, embracing it, but my own reality. And I'm not sure I've found it. I can feel it pulling at me at times when I cannot ignore it. It's there other moments and I push it down, I bury it in any kind of alternate reality. But I still feel it. It still rolls in and kicks my ass. I ran away from a lot of the things I thought were breaking me down. Things that were breaking me down. And it's better now. But there are the moments that I catch my breath and remember that it's not safe...it's not over. Everyday takes awareness and everytime takes work and I cannot forget it yet. I want to forget it. But that's the moment when it can take me over again.

Hot Days and Honeybees

I had one of those moments where I could picture what would happen like 5 seconds before it actually did...and I knew it wouldn't be pretty...and yet, I didn't stop myself. Oy! It's been like a thousand degrees everyday, which I'm not quite used to yet...especially now that I live somewhere with air conditioning...which is freaking awesome. Anyways...Sarah and I were out running errands. A few hours worth of running in and out of stores left the car burning hot. One of those you could die sitting in the car for too long kind of days. So we're on our last stop, getting a limeaid from Sonic, when I notice my chapstick. Now I knew it would be melted. I was a little sad, it was new. And I like a new chapstick. So I think about the state of how melted it would actually be. And then I open it. I bust that baby open...wtf it is completely liquified. Which is now all over my skirt. And car. And legs. Damnit. What was I thinking? Now I've got my car smelling like Burt's Bees Chapstick. Nice, but now I'm down one brand new chapstick. It was a comical moment. A glimmer of some moment...something oddly familiar and fun, and necessary.

I'll take FLAIR any day of the week!

Uhhhh...I hate it. The whole process...combing the want-ads...calling, picking up applications. The people are so rude. Yeah, I need a job...but shit, at one point didn't you. Unless, for some odd reason you got picked and they came and hunted you down. Maybe I'm intimidating. I've heard that before, never understood it...but hey, whatever works. Anyways, I'm trying to find something that will help me pay the bills and maybe stockpile some cash for a rainy day. And insurance would be a plus. But after day one of job hunting I had no prospects, having only applied at places I didn't even want to go, let alone work(!) there.
I took day 2 with a little more pride, hitting up only the fun places I'd want to take a chance on. And ding ding ding....got hired on the spot at Red Robin. I love the bird. Awesome. I have a job...with tips! Yay, I have some earning power! Alright, it's no benefits...but it's a check and I can live with that. Plus, there are fun people there, and you get to wear FLAIR! I'm really excited about the flair. And the nametag...that should be great. So training starts on Saturday for a week and then I'm on my own serving up the good people of Meridian.

The Big Sperm!

You wanna talk about luck? How about getting the U-Haul from Illinois looking like a giant sperm on the side of it. Yeah, driving behind a 26-foot U-Haul wasn't going to be bad enough...let's go ahead and make it look like a big sperm. But my favorite part was the whole convoy having to follow uhaul, with our average speed at like 35 mph while everyone whizzed around us going 75. But yeah, we made it. Got the house. I'm still not sure how I feel about finding a key the landlord didn't know about. How many other people could have just found it and wandered in? hmmm. Got unloaded. I've got a whole suite thing going...a bedroom, office and bathroom...plus 4 closets. It works out alright for me. And now we just have all the unpacking to take care of. Still waiting on the fridge...it's been real unconvient, this no refigeration system. I'm just craving a cold Dr. Pepper. Awesome. The fam took off yesturday, which was good...sad, but good. I'm ready for a little more independence. That's what I talked about in counseling, that's one reason I wanted to move. So it's taking me a little to remember why I really did want to come and forget the reasons that showed up making me want to stay.