Unbelievable!

What the fuck?!?! This morning I got hit by a freaking bike. Yeah, that's right--some moron on a bicycle couldn't figure out how to work his brakes, or apparently the handle bars used for STEERING and plowed right into the side of my car. I had a human being just splayed across my windshield. Just a mere three days after getting my car back from the body shop (from September's hit and run) with all it's final touches completed.

After the initial shock, I felt concern for the body laying across my windshield. Nope--no damage. Just an idiot who shouldn't be allowed on a bicycle, or any other mode of transportation for that matter. You can't just dart out into the street. I would think if your safety, if bodily harm doesn't inspire a little caution then you deserve what you get. I looked both ways. I stopped at the stop sign! Careening into traffic hoping it's clear just isn't how it works.

Now I'm left with a 'sorry' and another huge dent in my car. Well thanks for that you asshole, but what I'd really like is the money it's gonna take to fix it.

Sometimes I wonder if the universe is just attempting to play a little game of Survival of the Fittest--weeding out the idiots one by one... this guy definitely won't last too much longer.

Now I'm back to making accident reports, getting insurance claims and estimates, and another few months with the car in and out of the shop. Oh goody! Nothing I love more than having to spend money I don't have because of somebody else's stupidity!

Life is a process not an event.

I read that somewhere a while back but it's been rolling around in my brain all weekend.

Finally! It's like the kick in the ass I needed to stop bitching and start moving. Start celebrating. Start something, anything.

For some reason I started questioning every little detail, every little choice. I started seeing my life through somebody else's eyes. I saw myself through someone else's perception of happiness; of should's and could's. And that's what brought the whole house of cards tumbling down last time.

I consciously chose to be the person I am today. I built the house of cards one at a time; questioning everything, taking nothing for granted. I questioned my faith, my strenths and weaknesses. I questioned my family, my friends, my jobs. I built a solid foundation and I build a beautiful house. But for some reason I looked at my life and saw all these things I should be doing. And the house started to crumble. Each morning I woke up feeling exhausted and irritated and the house kept shaking.

But it didn't fall. And now I look back and I can see why. I answered the tough questions and I'm not afraid of them anymore. I still ask them because I'm not afraid of the answers anymore either. I can only be myself, without relying on anybody. I can only look to the future. Life is a process; not an event. I'm not late for anything. I'm not missing anything. I can waste time and energy focusing on what I don't have and what's wrong with what I do have. But shit, who's got the time for that?! I don't know what the future will bring for me. I don't have to do anything or be anything right now. I don't have to follow anyone's expectations except my own.

And I'm just going to take some time to enjoy the process.
To enjoy the amazing people and the incredible gifts I've been given.
I'm going to live life; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes~

Just a few snips with the scissors and everything is right with the world. Okay, that's overextending the power of my hair just a little. But it feels like everything's right with the world. Not only does my mother work miracles with my hair, she doesn't charge a thing! And that's putting things in perspective ;)

Reality Check~

"She preferred novels to real life." The Perfect Elizabeth by Libby Schmais

AMEN!

This whole real life thing is starting to wear on me. I've got all the reasons in the world to be a happy go-lucky mid-twenties gal, just doing my thing and living each day. Instead I'm focusing on all the reasons I can be irritated and annoyed. Fuck!

I have a good job. I have a good job. I have a good job. Maybe if I say it enough I will start to see the truth. Maybe I will remember all the reasons I loved my job and what it brought each day. Bottom line is I do have a really good gig; not without it's trials, but I'm pretty lucky. It seems as of late that I can only focus on the negative. The boundary of employee and friend is sometimes very obvious; the role of nanny and mother gets all tied up and connected. I don't want to be the mother. Sometimes I just want the mother to be the mother because I'm tired of doing it. Except that that would put me out of a job. By going on the field trips, baking the cookies and doing the laundry I'm keeping the paychecks coming. I do the tasks, but I don't have the control (it's no wonder they're called desperate housewives). I feel like I'm their bitch. Schedules, phone calls and job requirements just get tossed by the wayside.

I've got to get through it. Because this summer I'll love lounging by the pool and working on my tan. I won't mind mixing it up a little and working at the office for 20 hours a week. Hopefully my attitude will return to one of the positive passionate girl I used to be.

Because right now I'm just feeling bored. I'm feeling bored--what the hell, that's not even a real emotion! I'm not challenged. I'm choosing to just sit around and bitch about all the things that irritate me--which is quite a laundry list--instead of making it better. Because I could change the attitude and start counting my blessings.

I guess you gotta start somewhere...

My Heart Just Melts~

It's A Girl~

There is nothing like the sweet, sweet love of holding a baby. Especially on the day she's born. Oh my gosh-- I am so in love.

Laurynn Nicole is the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen. (Except of course her two siblings, which have equal place in my heart). Not like my job was ever tough, but there's something extra special about it now.

It's been two days and I'm still on a high from seeing her for the first time. I can't help myself from opening my cell phone several times an hour to look at her. Just to check--yep, still awe inspiring and perfect.

I can't quite form coherent sentences. I'm still not over the initial flood of emotion at seeing her, at holding her, this tiny little person who just days before I had felt fluttering around in another person!! I don't know how anyone can experience the miracle of childbirth and not believe in God. She is beautiful, she is healthy, she is pure joy all wrapped up in pink!

This is what life is about. These are the moments that make everything else worthwhile. This gift, these children that I am so privileged to take care of, that is the real beauty in the world. Often times I forget how great my life really is, and then something like this happens. It reaches out and grabs your heart and you don't ever want it to let go.