Could be Anything.

Da da da la la la la la la la. If I could say and do anything and everything I wanted would it still turn out in a way that would make me happy? Is there some imaginary line that I can get close to but never quite close enough? Is it up to me to get to a certain point and then wait for everything to fall into place? I'm living this fantasy...it's like I'm actually stuck into a world that is my so called life but it's just in my freaking head. Am I delusional? Am I a nut case?
I'm always reflective...but it's the end of the year and so I'm usually more so.
And this year...that this neverending year of ups and downs is almost over scares me a little...it also gives me some freedom...some distance. When I think of how I spent New Year's Eve 2004...yikes. I don't want anything like that to represent my life now. I don't want people like that in my life anymore. I am a different person now and I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky to have bounced around and fallen down because I was able to get back up. And I broke but I think I had to shatter so that I could choose which pieces I wanted to bring with me.
For some reason my reflections always get kind of depressing. And well, yes, this year was the year for the depression, the doctor, the pills...so it should make sense. But it's also so freakin amazing because now I can laugh and be silly and be free of the damage that I let hang around for so damn long.
I'm glad the year is almost over. It was hard and it'll always be with me...but now...now is the year for the fun. For life. Living every day of life is my gift. I have all that other crap out of the way and I'm free for all the good stuff. And I don't care if that's it's up to me or if it just happens because I do what I do and whatever's in my head will just keep on keeping on....