Family Ties~

"Your brother's been arrested."

How do you align your mind and your heart once these words have been spoken?

My mind is saying this was bound to happen. My heart is seeing my little brother getting handcuffed and thrown into the backseat of a police car.

My mind is saying this could be the best thing for him. My heart is breaking in two.

My mind is walking away. I'm leaving him to deal with the repercussions, letting him deal with the consequences of his own actions. My heart is thinking of strategies, opportunities, ways to save him.

Typically I've let my heart lead me. With reckless abandon. I firmly believe it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. All those times I've been hurt because I turned off the voices in my head screaming at me to stop, turn around, run; I'm a better person because of those lessons.
Because of the lessons I've learned letting my heart lead me, I'm who I am today.

Now I'm just torn in half. With a sickening, sinking feeling.

My mind is saying that he's going to do exactly what he wants to do. No marijuana bust is gonna stop him. My heart is saying that I can reach him this time, I can help.

The sickening thing is that I think I've already resigned myself to letting my mind handle this one. I can't save him, he doesn't even want to be saved.

I love my brother. My heart is overflowing with love.

My mind is telling me I'm no martyr, and it's foolish to think anything else.

My heart is still breaking.

I am content.

I am passionate.

I am quiet.

I am feminine.

I am unique.

I am silly.

I am reserved.

I am proud.

I am faithful.

I am compassionate.

I am dedicated.

I am loud.

I am broken.

I am peaceful.

I am loved.

I am forgiven.

I am beautiful.

I AM CREATIVE.

I am searching.

I AM WOMAN

Sidewalk Chalk~

And other things I've learned this week~

There are times I want to jump into the castle with them. Jump right on into imagination land--where everything is at your fingertips, where all of your dreams are reachable. Simply pick your favorite color of chalk, and draw whatever you want. Right in front of your eyes, dreams have turned into reality. Sure, it takes a bit of your imagination...but if you close your eyes, and think very hard...you are really, truly entering the castle, the friendly forest, the pond by the meadow, climbing the apple tree far from everything. There are times I want to close my eyes, hold hands with the two- and three-year old at my side and really, truly, believe anything can happen.

There are times when it hits me that my own life may very well be a castle in Imagination town. That my own apartment~although painfully ghetto, and annoying at times (what! laundry only between 8am and 8pm...you gotta be kidding me?!) is pretty swell. That I'm pretty fortunate to have the car, the house, the job that I really truly want.

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"It happens to most of us eventually, the moment when our parents become real people, with motives and hopes as authentic as our own."
I read that in a book a while back, jotted it down and stuck it in a stack of other quips and quotes I've found in other books, other magazines, other mediums that speak to me. I came across it again this week. I suppose I realized awhile back that my parents were their own people. Had their own life, own dreams and ideals outside of my own life. It didn't hit like a strike of lightning, but the more I think of it, that's exactly what it is.
Maybe some moment in therapy, when I had to step outside of myself to get through the moments of my past. Maybe some moment, when I realized I needed them in my life, but I also wanted them in my life. Not just as my parents, but as my friends. I don't care if that sounds as cheesy as it feels writing it, because simply it's true. I'm just glad-- I'm blessed--so fortunately-- because it didn't take a horrific act to bring about this revelation. No diagnosed disease, no deathbed, nothing horrible. Just the simple--conversation over cups of coffee, card games at the kitchen table, shared memories and moments of laughter.
Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm realistic. I choose to believe I'm fortunate. That my parents, regardless of their mistakes which affected me, as their child, are still just people. People that screw up, people who make mistakes; but people, who live and love with everything they have. People I would chose to be in my life, and I'm just lucky they are by default.

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I have this *thing* hanging over my head. A monster hiding in all the closets, under the bed, behind every dark corner, and I'm sure in the back seat of my car. I can't go anywhere without it, a nasty, hideous monster that has become my shadow. But I'm taking steps to get through it. And I'm still not sure how bad it's going to get before it gets better...it could be fine, it could get worse. I don't know much of anything now, I've done all there is to do on my part. And now I must wait.

But I can't stop living my life. Amidst all the waiting I must live. And I want it to be my best life. Be my best self. I'm actively choosing to make a difference. To stop waiting for lightning to strike before I make a move. Simple changes, but I feel so much better. I've become focused, determined, something tangable I can work with. Something that doesn't require sitting around and waiting.

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Maybe I've stumbled upon rose colored glasses. Maybe I've got the glass is half full syndrome. Whatever the case may be I'm heading into it with my eyes wide open. Just happy that I'm living, breathing, doing what makes sense to me.

And nobody can take that away from me.

Memories~

Wellbutrin HCL 150 MG SRTB W
Take one tablet by mouth twice daily

Among the photographs
Beside the momentos-
of happy times
Surrounded by color and light--
And Life
The dark cloud sits.
The amber bottle~
The white pills~
The label with my name on it.

A reminder of where I should be
The catalyst of my life.

I've kept it as I keep all things....
a token of my little story.
A collection of pieces that once put together make up my life.

It is Before and After

Maybe it should be Always...