Not Ready to Make Nice

The Dixie Chicks say it best. I've been blaring this song in my apartment, in my car, on my ipod. Everywhere I go these words are running through my head.

I'm just tired of this perception of what I should be doing. What I should want my life to be. What I should be doing to get it there. The thing is I'm pretty sure I've already done that. Quitting school, moving to Boise, these were not decisions I made lightly. Moving back, working...again, took some time to come up with these.

The thing is I don't have any regrets. I was mad and angry--it had become my personality. Mad. Angry. Over and over. But I changed it. I changed my life. For the better. Now that I'm back I make no apologies to anybody. I'm not going to live anybody's version of life.

Afterall, I'm pretty fucking happy with my version of life.


"Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it
I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying"

Wreck of a day....

This day--
....this week
....this month
....this year.

What a fucking wreck.

It's a slow process. The crash. The impact. The instant without motion, without sound, without feeling. The fallout.

Rinse and repeat.

I can't get out of the maze. I cannot escape this brick wall. I keep crashing into it. Eyes wide open. Head first. Smash.

I can feel it in small doses coming back. Creeping into little parts of my life. Sneaking into the places it can hide, stay awhile, fester and grow. The realization makes me sick. Sick with myself. Sick of myself.

If I started the storm....do I get a life-preserver???

do I get a life-preserver???

It has all just been an escape, this running away. Eventually it was bound to catch up to me. My version of what I should be doing is destroyed. I have no fucking clue what I should be doing.

I dropped the fuck outta school. And left. I quit my job, I moved to a new state--of mind, of denial, of the USA. I got a new job. A new outlook. I was cured. I self-medicated. I took care of myself. I was running. I left everything.

I dropped everything, a halfassed attempt...story of my life.

I ran and ran and ran. In my mind I was always running. To a brighter future. To a safe harbor.

I kept running even when things settled, seemed to be doing okay. When the bottom dropped out of my safety net I packed up, and kept running. I figured it was safe to return. Back to my roots.

I came back to this town...funny enough, back to one job. One job that is so full of ups and downs I question it every step of the way. It's a good thing. It's a bad thing. It pays the bills. Which is where my resolution must lie, at least for now.

When will I stop running?

When will it be over? For too long I knew I was pretending. I was doing what I knew I should be doing. Counseling. Anti-depressants. Check. Check. But I quit cold turkey. I was stronger than that.

I thought I should be better. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was safe.

But I'm still angry. I'm still scared.

As I sit here, look around at my life....where can I even go from here? Do I run again? Am I out of options...sit here and face it. My fear is that in facing it....it will only get worse. Then I will realize all those moments that I was simply faking it. That I had it all figured out. It's laughable. I don't know where to go from here. Where I went wrong.

Because I'm still angry. I'm still scared. It's coming back. I'm drowning in the panic. I'm crashing. I can feel it. Time stops. You realize you have no control. For one second you can see it--and then it happens. From every direction the pain consumes you whole. The fallout.

The resolution???

I've seen how easy it is to create a resolution. To wrap it up nicely in pretty packaging. Something safe. Something pretty. But the image doesn't last long.

The bomb goes off....catching me completely off-guard.

Summer Lovin'

Sometimes happiness is as close as a bottle of Jose Cuervo.

What the fuck is with this weather?!?!

It's the kind of heat that usually smacks you in the middle of July or some time in August. A heat so unbearable you can't sleep at night. The kind that makes you forget about snow...so hot you can't even fathom winter. A heat from the moment you wake up until the moment you finally fall asleep.

I'm loving it! Summer is here, and she came roaring out of nowhere.

The last few days I've spend lounging by the pool, blaring the ipod, feeling the sun on my skin. Running through sprinklers with toddlers and listening to their squeals of delight. Drinking margaritas and letting the rest of the world fade with the sunset. Being barefoot with painted toenails.

Everything, Everything is better in the summer. Baseball season. Coors Light any time of the day or night. Camping. Priest Lake. Huckleberries. Sandals. Skirts. Ice Cream. Flowers. Lazy Afternoons. Root Beer.




~Nothing but love and sunshine~

The Graduate

I survived Whitworth Graduation: Class 2006.

My vantage point: the stands. Nope, not with the people I started my freshman year with. Not with the history majors huddled together, hearing Dr. Mig put sound to everything they were feeling just by calling each name. Not with a cap and gown and bright future floating beside me. No words of wisdom directed my way.

Spec-ta-tor: n. a person who looks on at a show, game, incident, et.
Witness. Observer. Viewer. Onlooker.

I put my feelings away. Pushed them down, forced to swallow them--while they ate away my insides. Made it hard to breathe. Made it hard to be. Whitworth College. Class of 2006. Whitworth College Class of 2006.

I did it for Emily. It was her weekend...she made it through. She graduated. She deserves a celebration.

Do I wish I had stayed at Whitworth? Sometimes. But I don't think about that too much. I can't go back. And I couldn't do it then. At that time I wasn't strong enough to stay. And it had nothing to do with academics.

It was a brilliant education. Whitworth changed my life, for the better, for the worse. A lot of who I am today was shaped by my experiences through the years. Fantastic professers asking the hard questions, and listening to your answers. Waiting with you while you figured them out. Whitworth gave me a huge part of my foundation...which I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I mesome amazing friends there, some of the most important people in my life....some of the most amazing conversations I've ever had, or will ever had, happened on that campus.

As the weekend came to a close, I counted my blessings....for the privledge to have gone to Whitworth.

And for the privledge to one day, maybe, walk across that stage.

Comedienne

So I have this dream last night....

I'm walking up this ladder, which leads to a stage....and I mean, this ladder is 30, 40 feet long, at least. And I'm walking up to this stage so that I can preform my stand-up routine and it dawns on me: this is for my class reunion.

And all my high school classmates will be here.

I'm panicking as I'm getting closer and closer to this floating stage because I cannot preform my routine...

My material is all about them.

All of my jokes, every little bit is about these whackos who went to my high school. And every step I take is torture knowing I can't, (can I?!?!) go out there and mock them to their faces? Will they get it's them? Could I do it under the radar?? So I'm finally reaching this stage and I go out there and I make it. New stuff. And I blow them all away with some real laughs. Some fantastic improv.

And now my question is this....is destiny knocking on my door?

Should I abandon ship and start my comedy circuit??