~Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine~
Whoopi Goldberg

Then and Now

I'm pissed off.
I'm frustrated.

I'm walking the line of what's happened, and what should have happened.

I'm trying to stay grounded.
I'm trying to be honest, without getting angry.

The real truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God~

I've never been an overly social person. I've had my friends throughout the years, mostly people of place and time. No strong bonds linking us together. We shared a past. But I didn't want to share a future. There were too many times I saw my shadow get up and leave. Shocked that I'd been here, done that...because it wasn't me at all.

When I left...I knew I would never come back. These were not people I wanted in my life. These were not times I would remember fondly. These were friends, these were moments, of place and time. Of circumstance.

Whitworth, as it turned out, was also an institution of place and time. In the beginning it was a new opportunity. I learned quickly enough, that it was not. In many respects it was just the same. It was high school all over again. I shared my life, my heart, my family. I shared late nights, I shared study breaks and cram sessions. I shared my car, my food, my toothpaste. Everything that was me was open. I was honest~to a point. I was nice~to a fault.

That's when the wall came tumbling down. That's when my spirit crashed all around me. It broke. Everything shattered in my life. I was drowning and I couldn't get enough air. And those friends, those people I shared everything with...were gone. I saw the shadow of me get up and leave. Screaming that this wasn't safe. Because somewhere along the line of time and place I had given away my heart and it was now tossed aside, shattered and broken on the floor.

The process was long and hard. I fought my way out of it. But even in all the hurt, I was careful. I made sure not to let my friends know how much they had hurt me. It would have been easy--spread the pain I was feeling, bring everybody down. I kept it inside. I didn't want to hurt them as they'd hurt me...it was too much pain to bare...nothing I would want a friend to feel.

Now I'm here again but I can't do it all again. I can't watch my shadow get up and run away, blinded by this person who is no longer me. I just want to yell and scream and tell them they're no longer invited into my life. They're no longer allowed to treat me like this. This was it...it's over now.

The Last Chance ship just sailed away, and you weren't on it. Sorry no refunds.

Don't Rain on my Parade

Who's going to argue with Babs?

I'm gonna live and live now
Get what I want--I know how

Maybe I should get a t-shirt or something. A hat, a messenger bag of some kind. I'm not above getting the damn thing tattooed on my forehead.

I know what I'm doing. I've figured out what I want. I'm actively choosing to be the person I want to be, living the life I want to live.

There are some days, when I don't even want to leave the house. Days when I won't answer the phone. Days I don't have to go anywhere or see anybody. To me, this is bliss. From waking up, enjoying my coffee, to drinking my tea and going to bed.

All too often I feel like a 70 year old woman trapped in a 22 year old lifestyle.

What I wish is that it would be okay for me to live my life. 22 or 70 or whatever. Without friends who so closely resemble obstacles. Without people insistent on telling me what I should be doing.

Life is good.

I'm gonna live and live now
Get what I want--I know how

Independence Day

Horray! It's that time of year again....my favorite day of the year.

Sure, I love a good old saturday, I love my birthday, love love love Christmas day, and New Year's. The first day of fall, and any snow day is good. I love special days, and am partial to holidays.

But nothing compares to Independence day!

Growing up, I don't remember many fantastic event filled days. I remember watching fireworks~many colorful night skys dot my memory and yet all blur together. I remember always wanting a plan, always wondering what the plan was, watching the clock tick closer and closer to sunset. I remember those years getting in trouble because I wasn't where I said I would be. I remember always hoping, this would be the magical year that my dreams came true.

Two years ago my dreams came true. I spend an amazing day with my family. The Boitanos. (oh, the honeymoon crash of 2004 :) The Gregorys. World class day. Something magical happened when I wasn't even looking.

Maybe it's the combination of things. Good old Thomas Jefferson (my hero) full of ideals, full of promise writing that declaration. It's the idealism in me...wishing I lived in a country I could be proud of...okay, the history major in me is showing....wishing the fundamental things still applied TJ wrote about, not some interpretation massacred by America's right-wing~~oh, the hateful right! >:(

The promise of a better tomorrow. Saturdays spent watching baseball. Drinking coca~cola. Playing poker. Eating ice cream. Oh, the American dream. I like that for one day we can pretend times are good, like they used to be, and that they will always continue to be.

Collide

I was having one of those moments~
Where everything is right.
Every breath is peace.
Every thought is hope.

Alone in the car~
Just me and my mind.
The sun filling the void.
The radio blasting everything else away.

There are times when I feel happiness. When I think it's something I can have~eternally. Being on the road makes me feel invinsible. Top of the world. Love and sunshine.

Before it all comes crashing down around me. Then I just laugh at myself.
I look in the mirror and I laugh. Sardonically. Did I really think I could get away with this? Did I really think this could be my life? Still looking in the mirror, I sigh.
And then I walk away.

I feel like I'm in one of those rooms, with the two~way mirror.

Sometimes I'm on the outside. I can see people, hear what they're saying. They have no idea I'm there, that I'm now privy to who they thought they were hidden away like this. It gives me an advantage, maybe, or maybe now I've seen too much.

Sometimes I feel I'm on the inside. Knowing people are catching these little clues. Figuring out my behavior, analyzing, trying to get what it means.

Maybe it's all bullshit. Maybe I'm overstimulated. Maybe I'm letting my imagination take me to the life I want.

Today, though...I felt like I was really living the life I want. I was taking steps, consciously doing what I wanted to be doing. I was so alive in each moment, really appreciating every second, and looking forward to the next. I was driving back "home" from home~a drive that has always felt familiar, always felt right. The sun was shining, the coffee was refreshing, the music was invigorating.

And then~ I stupidly answer the phone. Fuck. The smooth calm was instantly shattered into a million little pieces. These people are supposed to be my friends. But I began moving in a very different direction a long time ago. We're not on the same page anymore; I'm not so sure we were ever in the same book, let alone page. In fact, I'm not too sure we were ever in the same genre. Just a least common denominator. The whole us against whitworth thing.

I just want to shatter the glass. Break the two~way mirror. Scream and yell. "You know I see the other side of you. You know I see who you really are. I see it, what you've been hiding." That's when I'll make my escape. Running away from the life I used to think I wanted.

State of mine

I just want to lie in my bed, hide under the covers, and never come out. Of course, it's way to freaking hot to be under any kind of blankets, meaning I'll have to resort to Plan B. Get a nice buzz going...And then proceed through the rest of my day, the rest of this week. Shit, how about the next several months.

Today is the anniversary we moved to Boise. The big scary day is already so far away. Hey, a little rhyme. That big, life defining moment is just over. And now I'm 365 days on this side of it..Seeing, really knowing I can get through the next few months like I got through the last year.

When I was little, whenever I was at the dentist office, I would psych myself up. Get through the pain...Go somewhere else...it was my little mantra. But I would have this little conversation in my brain about how one day, soon I would look back on this moment and it would be so far away...It was just a day. Just like summer vacation passed too quickly, the days blurring into one; I would convince myself this hour, this day too...would just pass, without feeling every excruciating second.

I guess I'm back there now. Having that silly little conversation in my head. I've got these big things happening right now. Scary. Quitting my job...going back to the kids full time. Which I'm so excited for, even though I know I use it as an escape. Money. Fuck it. I hate money. I hate what it does. I hate having my relationships affected by $$$$$. But they are. It's becoming an issue where it can't be. I won't let it. I've been in that game too long, and I won't go back there.

Welcome to the real world. Ha!

If that's the case, it's true what they say~~ reality bites!