My Heart is Smiling

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Yesterday I walked back into the lives of two of the most important people I have ever known. Two beautiful little children, two smiling little faces that I've missed so much. Two little innocent lives so filled with wonder, so ready to take on each day, experiencing life with true joy, with true abandon.

I've been meaning to call Tiffany since I moved back to Spokane. To stop in and see her and the kids. To take just a few hours and spend some quality time. I had this feeling, this feeling yesterday, to pick up the phone, just call her already. That's exactly what I did. And it was more than a feeling. It was a little divine assistance, a little push in the right direction. Turns out she had to fire her old nanny. Turns out she was trying to track me down.

There are experiences in my life I will never forget. There are experiences I am forever remembering. With such vividness I can still hear the music that was playing, or the way the breeze felt on my skin, or the way my anger burned like fire within me. Full of emotion. Full of life.

The moment Jacquelyn saw me she came running into my lap, jumped up and put her arms around me. Put her face right next to my face and said "I missed you Heather."
And my heart just melted.

The decision was made. As soon as those kids were back in my life. I can't walk away. This is where I'm meant to be right now. Regardless of the money, or the commitment to RR, I won't walk away from these kids. That is where my commitment is. Not to some restaurant, not to any corporation, not to any manager.

My family is the most important thing on this planet to me. Being part of their family is a very close second. This is a real job. This is real love.

And I've been struggling with the job front. Staying at Red Robin has been a continuing battle for me. Such extreme highs and lows. Such extreme feelings, such horrible moments, not too many great ones, but a nice way to get the bills paid on time. I've been wrestling with the question of staying at a good paying place I hate or a lower paying job I love.

But again with that protection, the Good Shepard guarding His sheep. The safety and security I know my life is surrounded with. I'm in good hands.

Now simply, it's orchestrated and I'm back with two jobs I love. Two jobs I'm happy about, and excited to go to. I can balance the coffee-shop girl and the nanny-girl.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Extensions of me

The snort...the nervous laugh...the delay, and then slowly, the response: "You Blog?" And then, that damn nervous laugh again, time stops, and slowly...each letter comes out like a pulled tooth, painfully, agonizingly, a giant feat in just forming the words I know are coming: "W-H-Y? What are you hoping to get from it anyway?"

I write because it is who I am.

I write as an extension of myself.

As some people play instruments, fish, golf, read, jog, sing, play cards, camp, travel, shop, paint...whatever, it makes them whole, it makes them who they are.

And I write. Publicly, privately...there are things I want to put out there, just for the sake of putting them out there, out into the void, whether or not anybody ever reads anything I have to say. There are some thoughts so personal, some things I haven't shared yet; the beginnings of novels, articles, poems, words, phrases, etc... Writing, words, makes me connect to everything, to anything. It solidifies who I am and what I want to be.

I may never have what it takes to publish anything. But I do know this, I certainly won't do anything successfully without a little practice.

I write because I can. When everything is good, when everything is bad, when I don't know whether things are good or bad--I write. I try different things out, different styles, different formats, different emotions.

I write and I'll keep on writing.

Because it is in my soul, it is who I was meant to be.

Hotter than a Two-Dollar Pistol, Baby I'm on Fire..

I want to dance in the rain.
I want to skip through puddles.

I want to be footloose and fancy free.

I wake up this morning with my heart thumping so hard it just might pound right out of my chest. Chest-pains? Nah. Frustrations? No. Happiness? Maybe. Contentment? Yes. Euphoria? Yes. Giddiness? Hell Yes.

The bad times are a distant memory. Because my heart is alive. Today the joy of my life radiates through my veins like electrical currents. I feel like I've crossed over to the bright side. Forever. I've made the journey and I'm eternally bathed in sunshine.

It's that feeling that only happens once a year. That moment when spring is here and summer is on the way and the sun is warm on your face, on your arms, and legs and it reaches through your skin, to the core of who you are. Warmth; reassurance after a cold winter that yes, the best is here.

I want to call up my family and pass around "I love you" and "you are so important in my life" because I want them to feel this joy. I want everyone to feel this love. Caught off guard by life I suddenly realize I am protected, I am safe, this is good.

I feel selfish holding onto this myself. I have to share it. I have to pass it on. I have to get on my knees and thank God that He's lifted me up like this. The torment isn't real. THIS IS REAL BABY. This is the stuff dreams are made of.

This is the fire. The fire people talked about, a life "ablaze for Christ." I was so turned off, so close-minded. But it's true. I can't keep still, I can't turn my mind off, I can't stop rejoicing.

This is the life. The pain brought me here. And it was hard, so hard that I couldn't imagine ever feeling anything different. But this is the life I was meant to live. All those far off dreams--those have become my reality.

These are the moments.

"Your real security is yourself. You know you can do it, and they can't ever take that away from you." Mae West

The Best of the Worst

There are times when I'm just fighting to breathe. When I can't hold on to anything else But. I. Can. Keep. Breathing.

I can't get any control. Of my feelings, of my mind, of my heart. I just keep moving into the next moment wishing I could be swallowed up by the universe. Moments I just want to go numb.

There are times when I want to drink so much I block out all the thoughts zigzagging through my brain. Even after everything I am so tempted by a bottle of booze that I succumb to it, just to feel nothing. Just to burn with the feeling of nothing.

There are the moments I feel like I'm buried alive. Where I can't even breathe. Where the weight pressing down on my chest is too much. I can't handle it. I have to resign.

And it takes so much of me--to keep fighting. Because these days hit me and I have no warning and I'm lost before I even saw it coming. And I don't want to fight. I can't even remember the times I'm okay, even though I KNOW they happen, and they are the majority. But why then, do I still suffer with these days. With these thoughts.

I'm still falling...

Why can't this be over? Why am I still falling?

And I don't want to fight. I don't want to breathe. I want to be numb. I want to be left alone. I couldn't care less about the expectations. I couldn't care less about the responsibilities.

The trouble is too much. These thoughts are too much. They are crushing me.

They are burying me alive.