My bro's newest pets...cute now, but what do you do with ducks? 

Learn to be Still

I can connect to music. When everything is else is falling apart, this keeps me together. I can rationalize that I'm not the only one. It's fascinating to me that it can instantaneously bridge you to a completely different time and variety of people...but still this one song/lyric/verse is strong enough to hold it together.

I still trying to grapple with my last session of therapy. It shook me more because it was unknown. I guess I've hidden for a long time about the circumstance: the affair, the fallout, the emotional/verbal/physical pain, the dysfunction. I know none of that helped my case, but would it have made a difference? It certainly mattered...but I feel now like it was inevitable. I could have found something else to block what I was really feeling, I would have. This crash has been slowly occuring for a long time...and maybe those things took it to the edge.

The Eagles~Learn to be Still
It’s just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You’d give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-
Learn to be still

We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don’t know how to be alone
So we wander ’round this desert
And wind up following the wrong gods home
But the flock cries out for another
And they keep answering that bell
And one more starry-eyed messiah
Meets a violent farewell-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

Now the flowers in your garden
They don’t smell so sweet
Maybe you’ve forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet

There are so many contridictions
In all these messages we send
(we keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin’
It’s waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

You just keep on runnin’
Keep on runnin’

TheGemState

It's official, we're actually moving. My sissy and I are taking the plunge--moving back to Idaho. Yes, I'm leaving the safety of a job, an apartment, and minimum wage being more than $5.15 (yikes!) So she had an interview today...and actually got hired by the end of the interview (Pretty spectacular!!). It'll be an interesting experience livin it up in Southern Idaho for a change...but I've heard nothing bad about Boise, which is where we'll be.
When she thought about going to grad school, I warmed to the idea of staying put, enjoying life in Washington for a change. And on the plus side I would get to stay living with my very cool, very funny, very amazing freshly returned from Argentina roomate. Which is the only sad thing I find about leaving Spokane...how I will miss my M.
It's good news though. We have a destination. It's a solid block to build the rest of the foundation. And living with my sis again will be fantastic (saves gas money going to see her!) and I won't mind a roommate who is gainfully employed! All in all the news is good and helps with everything else. Plus, our stuff meshes very well together, so our house will have no option besides looking fabulous!

Fumbling Towards Sanity

"Painful. It must be painful to talk about..." Somehow, until I heard that outloud it didn't ever register. Of course. Of course it's painful to talk about, it's painful to think about, feel, everyday, all the time. It's no wonder, I guess why I'm this way. And I've been one to examine my feelings, shit I can't seem to get around them. But something connected the dots today. I'm always waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. For the next part to be better. But it never is. So where does the cycle end? How do I find a happy ending? I don't know if there is such a thing...I don't know if I am capable of being happy. I don't know how that would even look. But I'm drowning in this stuff. It's taking away all of the air and I don't know how to survive. Again, I guess that's why I'm in counseling...I guess that's why I'm on the zoloft. It's supposed to be a start, right--I'm finally doing something?

The Destination--Call Sign?

I was just thinking back on Christmas...traveling to Central Washington (once my least favorite place I'd ever been--now I slightly enjoy it) when the caravan decided if we were to properly engage in walkie-talkie conversation we would need call signs, our given names just would not work. So the names emerged...from where I still cannot put my finger on. My identity became "maverick" and I find it mildly fascinating. It came to my attention that the names cannot be changed, yet I see no need for them to be. In the span of 39 long seconds it seems we have properly call-signed everyone in fam fairly accurate!

mav·er·ick
n. One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.
adj. being independent in thought and action or exhibiting such independence: maverick politicians; a maverick decision.

gypsy One inclined to a nomadic, unconventional way of life.

Rusty Nail; Webster; Syatic--definitions yet to be determined, although containing a healthy bit of information!

where does the good go?

It comes back to me in slices. Yesturday, I felt the sun...I mean, I really felt it, experienced it. And I pretended harder than I ever have that everything is alright. I spent time with my friends, I can't remember the last time we hung out. I don't know where those feelings go...in between the good days. But it was nice, to find it, for the moment, for the memories. And today is another moment I can vaguely remember, but not quite touch it the way it used to be. Faint. Unbreak the broken...that's all I wish could happen. Unbreak the broken.

if that's what it takes

The journey begins. In an effort to become myself again, I'm joining the rest of American's on a prescription drug fix. I swore a long time ago I would never need them, I would never become like him--I would not have to take them. I guess biology makes that choice for you. I'm not capable of fixing this myself, I can't climb out of the hole I find myself. I'm in this hole, near the water, and the tide keeps coming in and I feel like it will give me a little step to climb out of, a little boost. But then, the water dissapears, and it takes more of the sand away with it, and I'm still where I was before. I don't even really know what that means.
I'm tired of feeling like this--I want out of the bell jar. But it can't go back, I've seen something...I'm not capable of ignoring all the things that have happened. Which leaves me hopeless...which leads me to the drugs. And I'm scared to take them, but I may be even more afraid of what else could happen without them. And that's what hurts so much.

Fearing the Inevitable

There are two things I am afraid of: fire, and death. A waste of a fear, if you ask me...fearing the inevitable. I can picture it sometimes, an out of body experience, of what would happen. When I pull out from an intersection I can see the other car going too fast, I can feel the impact, I can hear the brakes screaching, glass breaking. And then, the moment's gone and I realize I'm still driving, and things are fine. It happens differently, but the end result is the same.
I guess I should have a stronger faith in God, or I wouldn't be afraid of dying. But I don't. I'm not certain that I would go to Heaven. Because I'm pretty screwed up, and I could have committed some sin my heart is okay with. I can't feel God's presence in my life...and so it makes me question everything. I'm basing my entire life on this one thing, and it just feels so empty.
I guess my fear of fire is a logical secondary emotion; all the fire and brimstone of hell, of course. The pain associated with fire is much more intense. There is pain and total destruction. Fire seems to have it's own spirit and it destroys all in it's path. I'm terrified of my house burning down. Worse, of experiencing it happening. Of being trapped, in your own home, with no escape.

All the King's Horses & All the King's Men...

Couldn't put it back together again. I don't know whether in actuality Humpty was better off. Now I'm forced to decide whether it's even worth it. I'm broken. My family is broken. But I just need her to be my mother. In all the years she's been my friend, and that includes all the various scads of emotions that have run the course. I am aware of my meanness, and I can add salt to the deepest emotional wounds. But fuck it. I just want her to be my mom. For this one time in my life, can't she just be what I need unconditionally, without expectations of what she needs right now. When given the choice--I have to choose to stand on my own. I have to be able to do this for myself. I don't want to lose her as my friend. But if she can't be my mother, my mother, there can be no possiblity that she can ever be my friend. And it breaks my heart to lose her. But I will do that right now. I am in that place that I can lose her. I'm putting the pieces back together again, and I need to know how many I have. If she can't be there for me, or for the family--then I'll be forced to mourn her.
And all the King's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Heather together again.

Wednesday Music

Do you ever feel like breaking down? /Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong /And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away? /Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud /That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like /When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt /To feel lost /To be left out in the dark
To be kicked /When you're down /To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down /And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else? /Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more /Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate? /Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies /While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face /And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy /But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted /You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like /What it's like

To be hurt /To feel lost /To be left out in the dark
To be kicked /When you're down /To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down /And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
~Simple Plan~

Anyone's Ears Burning?

Imagine my surprise to receive a phone call from The Aunt yesturday. The initial shock, due of course to the fact that neither her or The Uncle have called me directly...at least since August. The real kicker...we had gotten into a very passionate and emotional discussion about the very fallout with The A&U that very day. My rage of course--an all time high. So I ignored call numero uno. (Gotta love caller ID.) A little bummer though--I answered call 2, unaware of the person on the other end of the line. Shit. So, the discussion continued. It's not that I'm still mad at the initial cause of the problems. I'm mad (hurt, I think, as well) at the blatant denial that there is a problem. They can both excuse it away, but it didn't come out of thin air. And if it meant nothing to them, that just demonstrates my point...it means something to me and whether they acknowledge that or not, it's still there. We tabled the dicussion, The A and me, until Wednesday, with all parties. It should be interesting. Fiery. But interesting.

MoNk'S

I've been thinking about what I want to do with life...what I really want to do. All the typical things popped into my mind, of what I could do-or should be doing, and I threw all of those out. I don't want to be stuck in something because it seems the most practical (or the most profitable!)
Dream Job 1) Be a writer. Like one of those books about real family life, growing up, living...the kind you can't put down until you've finished. I want to write a book that makes you laugh and makes you cry. I want to be able to capture human emotion, in a very childish, vulnerable and yet engaging and powerful medium.
Dream Job 2) Cafe. The resturant thing is no joke...the name is "Monks" won't really work, but I'll do for now. It'll be a throwback to the time when people mattered and coffee and breakfast was a normal routine. But simple. Comfort menu, relaxing atmosphere.
Neither of these seems too out of reach...you gotta have a goal...you've got to have somewhere to go...