Mrs. X (Part One)~

The relationship I have with my boss is complex, to put it mildly. We met 4 years ago at her house where I found myself one day after discovering the perfect! job posting at career services on my once loved, now much despised college campus. Knowing her now, it's shocking we met at all, as she's definitely not the type to go posting anything on a college campus. But look where that little posting brought us(....sigh!)

Things at first were great, as great as it can ever be to be in somebody home, watching their children. I knew virtually nothing about them, and they knew only what I had told them about me. (Which by the way could have been all lies...I can't imagine how scary it would be to leave your children with a perfect stranger!) It wasn't long before the "great" wore off and I was tired of raising this lady's kids while she did what, exactly? There was more than one occasion she came home hours late and would be prattling on and on while inside I was screaming "just say it....H just say it to her. Say...'T, this is my two-weeks...I just can't do this anymore. School and all. It's too much'" But I could never say it. Because I was in love with the two most incredible children on the planet. And I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Over the years our lives have grown together. But how could they not? You can't be the nanny without becoming part of the family. Or maybe you can, and that's just where I went wrong. To be the nanny is to be in their home everyday, to seamlessly step into roles that are normally reserved for parents; you hear the first word, you see the first step, and from then on there is no going back. You are the pseudo mother and everything that goes with that. It is an intimate relationship, and it cements you together. You've become privy to secrets nobody else knows--who secretly looks at porn on the computer, who takes appetite suppressants, anti-depressants, vitamins, pain-killers, who chews copenhagen, who screams at their kids and who hates life. You hear arguments and whispers, you know the entire family history, the family dynamic and you have just become part of it.

At times I felt invisible. A bottle would fall from the counter and magically never hit the floor. A diaper would be changed in the blink of an eye. Abracadabra! kids learned how to say the abc's, how to spell their names, how to count with the snap of a finger. It's different now, but there is always that before and after. Other family members, friends of the X's treat me like the employee, nothing more, nothing less.

It's changed since then, because of the hours I've logged, because of all that time spent. Now it's apparent how much I do to keep their lives seamlessly rolling on. We've experienced life together over the years and as much as I hate to admit it, the X's have also been there for me in some difficult times. Sure, they make me work the day after Christmas so they can spend time with their families, but they are very understanding on the rare occasion I say no. They were very flexible with me when I dropped out of school and needed some me time, some therapy time and very little work time. They've bought my groceries (yay for Thanksgiving bonus!), they've paid my rent (yay for Christmas bonus!), they've kept me working and always given me as many hours as I need.

As each week, each month, each year comes to a close we are nothing if not closer. I've moved from nanny, to business employee, to friend. More bottles of wine have been shared than I care to remember. More secrets are shared, more memories and moments are captured. The kids mean more to me each day. But they aren't my kids...this is my job. And at the end of the day I leave, and I go home to my own life.

For them, as time goes on I'm more and more a part of their lives. For me, it's different. It's a job. A job I like...but something I could leave. For them it's their life, day in and day out. These are their choices for forever. This is my choice for now.