"It's up to each of us to get very still and say, 'This is who I am.' No one else defines your life. Only you do." ~Oprah


"In order that she may be able to give her hand in dignity, she must be able to stand alone." ~Margaret Fuller

In loving memory~

There is a wedding ring hanging from my rear-view mirror. This is not a typical left hand--platinum and diamonds-- marriage kind of ring.

My wedding ring is a fishing lure.

This mere fishing lure grounds me.
It reminds me of who I am, where I've been and where I'm going.
It guides me.

It's been 10 years since my grandpa died.

I remember pieces of him. His laugh. Some of his jokes. But I can't think of the last time I talked to him, or the last moment I spent with him. The memories are only pieces. My grief comes from knowing how much more it could have been--the questions I want to ask him, the stories I want to hear. Those moments only he could give. The older I get the more I know how close our relationship would have become. I am overcome with emotion at how little I knew him, the loss at the chance I had to really know him.

My grandpa died in his boat, after a successful fishing trip. On the lake he grew up on, in his boat, enjoying a beautiful day with a great pastime. Just like that. Even brought the boat back into the slip. Took care of the fish that now hangs on the wall in my parents house--one last memory we were left with, one more precious gift.

I am awed at the love between my grandpa and grandma. My grandma misses him today as much as she did 10 years ago. She'll never get over their love or the loss of him in her life.

I can spend the rest of the day sad, crying in my coffee... Or I can look at my hot pink wedding ring, and remember the good times. I've been blessed with an incredible family and the generous amount of time we spend together, each moment more precious. We have so many bonds between us--strongest is the love that unites us.

I can cherish the memories...the wedding ring significant to so many important legacies and treasures. We gather now for fishing and camping, and moments that will stick with us forever. The lake that is magical to me--that grounds me--that reminds me who I am and where I'm going.

The lake that served as an ending to one, but a beginning to me.

I can cherish the grandfather who gave me so much.

Guardian Angel~

Call it an accident.
Call it fate.
Call it unfortunate.
Call it lucky.

Call it grace.
Call it protected.

It happens in an instant~the moment your life changes. This morning I was headed to work in the usual manner--late, coffee in hand, radio dial tuned to the local station that is as much a part of my mornings as toothpaste and shampoo. I took the usual route, up M street--Onto N--right on H, etc.... Except I never made it to N. I didn't even make it halfway up M. I didn't even make it two blocks.

Black. That's the color of the car running the stop sign on S. That's what I saw when I should have seen the open road in front of me. Fuck. I think I remember uttering the single word, which conveyed annoyance, anger, and fear. Oh God! I swerved right. SonofaBitch.

The sound of a car accident is almost as bad as the impact itself. The breaks shrieking, the sound of metal colliding with metal at somewhere around 40 mph. Every second lasted a lifetime. I felt myself steering, knew I slammed my foot on the break, knew I was headed into the opposite lane of traffic. Braced myself for the next car to hit me--the traffic was heavy and I knew the impact was coming, and I waited.

I realized I had been holding my breath when the tornado I had gotten lost in finally stopped, and I exhaled. I was sitting in my car, stopped, looking at the world in a new light. The impact had thrown me 180* and into the opposite lane of traffic, 20 feet east and completely on the shoulder. And I breathed a sigh of relief. No pain. No blood.

Quiet.

The next 60 minutes were a blur. Phone calls. Sirens. Tears. Police. Fire Department. Witnesses. Conclusion. Hit and Run.

Everything important is in the details. Impressive driving? According to Rod, the witness, who saw the motherfucker slam into me, there wasn't anyway around it--I was about to get creamed...t-boned...right in the driver's side door.

Except that I didn't. My poor little car got some nice damage, some pretty good dings but only the back end. When the car blew past the stop sign, came careening through the intersection I knew I was in some serious trouble.

Instead, I walked out of my car, shocked, running on adrenaline, but physically I was fine.

I made it back home, reeling, but okay. Pain was showing up in small doses--headache, backache--I felt like I'd been in a car accident. Minimally I was an emotional wreck. Reliving every moment, every second of fear and doubt. Reliving the entire experience over and over. I couldn't seem to shake the overwhelming sense of dread, of panic, of unrelenting all-consuming fear.

Until I checked my email. Everything changed the minute I opened the message of wisdom, of divine intervention that saved my life: Psalm 91. That's all it said. This time the tears were joy, tears of grace. I was in a fortress and I was safe.

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."