"Painful. It must be painful to talk about..." Somehow, until I heard that outloud it didn't ever register. Of course. Of course it's painful to talk about, it's painful to think about, feel, everyday, all the time. It's no wonder, I guess why I'm this way. And I've been one to examine my feelings, shit I can't seem to get around them. But something connected the dots today. I'm always waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. For the next part to be better. But it never is. So where does the cycle end? How do I find a happy ending? I don't know if there is such a thing...I don't know if I am capable of being happy. I don't know how that would even look. But I'm drowning in this stuff. It's taking away all of the air and I don't know how to survive. Again, I guess that's why I'm in counseling...I guess that's why I'm on the zoloft. It's supposed to be a start, right--I'm finally doing something?
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
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