Desperado~

It's not exactly about "the song" regardless if we're talking about The Eagles or Seinfeld. It really has nothing to do with the rogue of the American frontier. Although all of those images pop into my mind when I think about the word. The core of the word, the part that I can't get out of my head is the despair.

There are reasons I have for pulling my head out of my ass and appreciating the life I'm living. My family, my friends are safe and healthy. My bills get paid on time, I have a roof over my head, and I am healthy. Some would even say I've gotten everything I've asked for. And yet...

Most of my life has been reality thrown in between moments of fiction. I fancy becoming a writer one day so for the sake of my art I fantasize about my life. The hypothetical is my safety. For a few years I really went out and tried living. It turns out people let you down--you let yourself down. I admit, I prefer the fictitious life that I've crafted over the years.

And yet I'm struggling again keeping everything together. I'm desperate to get it back to how it was months ago. When my life was the daydream I imagined. When I remembered the pain but I also remembered how to protect myself. Now I'm back.

And I can't shake this feeling. It actually has a real feeling, like a weight I'm forced to carry on my back. A pain that only a real wound could produce. I check myself...there is no weight, not even a scratch.

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Each day is measured in little victories. Every success is counted. But as time goes on they seem to be getting few are far between. It gets harder to get through the little stuff. It's making the real issues out of my grasp. And I'm left floundering, with that same feeling. Drowning, moments before I go under.

Manipulation~

It's nothing personal, it's just business.

No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, regardless of the methods or the incentive, it's always personal. Because once people are involved it becomes personal. No matter how you slice or dice it, someone is going to be affected. And we're all searching for the bottom line, searching to emphasize that it's just business. But we're also looking out for ourselves. We're talking care of business and "me me me" is at the top of the list.

I've been waiting for this particular fallout for years. Ever since I've been involved with this family, and definitely since I've been involved in the business. The day will come. That day is here. Shit has hit the fan.

And I'm watching everyone scramble to cover their own ass, myself included. It's amazing really, the lengths one will take to get ahead or to simply avoid the truth of the matter. I don't even know if there is a truth in this situation anymore. I've heard it from all sides and I can see how everything gets so twisted the truth may be buried forever. Accusations are being thrown around and it's become quiet clear that every one's guilty in one way or another.

Frankly, I find the whole thing hysterical; like some storyline on Young & The Restless. Sometimes I feel like the puppet master pulling the strings--letting them think I'm pliable, oh so young and naive, and they've got me on their side. I'm not easily manipulated and I've seen my share of daytime dramas unfold so really, I've learned a thing or two. And two, err--three can play at this game.

I've got my own ass covered.

As for the rest...I'll go where the wind blows

Big Girls Don't Cry~

In a strange way I feel victorious.

The pressure has been building for months now and I knew there was no way to stop it. I covered and scrambled, putting band-aids on the things I could reach and ignoring the things I couldn't. There were days I was even using the Shrek band-aids, showing the world that I was bigger than this bullshit--I was stronger--and it wouldn't happen again. But a girl can only take so much.

The walls, they came a tumblin' down.

The weekend was my chance to get it together, to keep it going for another few months. A last ditch effort to let the sun and the lake rejuvinate me--a thousand Hail-Mary's and I'm not even catholic. It almost worked too. It was peaceful finally--the entertainment was, I kid you not, watching the temperature change between the sun and the shade. It was a quiet weekend with sounds of families, earnest conversations and the water crashing into the sand.

And then reality smacked me in the face before I could even digest what had happened.

There is nothing like family to fuck up a family.

I have such a strong desire to be that perfect family, to gather around and just enjoy being together. I get lost in the desire. I get swept up in fiction. Because as hard as I try, it's not who we are. We aren't even capable. I've been fooling myself again to think things will change. It occured to me once that it may not be what the rest of my family even wants. It's my own fault for bulldozing over that thought without giving it proper respect.

I can't do it anymore. I can't be that person anymore. Here I am again, two-and-a-half years later with the same shit, different day. I am stretching myself to be the best at work, for my family, for my friends... and I don't have any time left for myself. I can't do it for everyone but me. I have to take care of myself. I thought I'd learned that lesson many times before.

The happy ending may or may not be at the end of my story.

But for now, I got back up, and for me that's something to celebrate.

I Get Up. I Walk. I Fall Down. Meanwhile, I Keep Dancing.

I have to keep going with my life. I can't stop again because I don't know if I could get going again.

Work is work, and it pays the bills.

Family, well...sometimes you just need a clean break.

Ice Ice Baby~

I feel like that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine steals David Putty's Jesus fish.

Not really so much on the whole stealing my boyfriends Jesus fish and messing with all of his preset radio stations part, but the rest.

It's the heat, my god, THE HEAT!!

In this kind of weather my patience doens't last a whole lot longer than a teenage boy in the backseat on prom night. Yeah, on a normal day I can be unruly. Add a blazing sun and no AC and you've got a situation on your hand. But I'm keeping it together. I fancy myself a little sparkler on the 4th, a fancy umbrella in the pina colada by the beach, yadda yadda yadda....

I'm finding others don't seem to have the same ability to be cool under pressure. I mean, we're all miserable, but let's not make it any worse.

What I love most about my job is that everyone, EVERYONE who works for the company got not just the 4th of July off, but the rest of the week as well. And if they so chose, they could work, and get paid double time. Except me. I'm here working away, sweating away my life more like it. And I'm getting calls from the boss, who's lounging at the lake, and she's crabby? Well I know, why don't you call me with a grocery list of things to do (most because you've forgotten you actually have a job to do, which means occasionally coming into work.) Come on now! It's your business, your life, if you're not willing to put in the time and effort...neither am I.

Seriously?!?!

F it! I'm busting out of here. I'm in need of a cold beverage of the coors light variety.

Chimney Rock~

We did it! The hike to Chimney Rock was spectacular. The hike itself was amazing. But being at the top, toasting with our mini bottles of champagne to life was more than words can say. The pictures are just an attempt to capture the feelings of the day: