Shades of Rain

I was feeling lost again...something was missing. I want to be somewhere and feel still, feel like I don't have to move. Like I don't want to move. And I've been feeling like something is pulling me. And I'm going before I'm ready, and I'm going blind. I'm not trying to avoid reality, embracing it, but my own reality. And I'm not sure I've found it. I can feel it pulling at me at times when I cannot ignore it. It's there other moments and I push it down, I bury it in any kind of alternate reality. But I still feel it. It still rolls in and kicks my ass. I ran away from a lot of the things I thought were breaking me down. Things that were breaking me down. And it's better now. But there are the moments that I catch my breath and remember that it's not safe...it's not over. Everyday takes awareness and everytime takes work and I cannot forget it yet. I want to forget it. But that's the moment when it can take me over again.