TV Junkie

I deny it no longer...I am officially a television junkie! Okay, it's not like I was ever really denying it, but I'm now coming clean, just for the record. I've always loved a good drama, a rare delightful comedy on television, and an occasional soap opera. I used to have standards: only nbc on Thursday night, only abc soaps...yadda yadda yadda...and now, now the world of tv is either way better, or I am way worse. One of my favorite shows happens to be on FOX, and another on (gasp) the WB--hey, Gilmore Girls is just great television. I was partial to the new reality craze, although I drew the line when they took it way too far but I got reeled back in with The Contender. I cover the gamet of television from DVD collections of The West Wing, to Seinfeld, The OC, and I'm now looking at Sports Night (if it wasn't so damn expensive). If I had cable, or worse HBO I do not doubt the severity my condition would embody. I'm just a loyal fan, a loyal friend to my tv personalities--and the condition grows. I hold on to the thoughts that I do not plan my nights around my television. Although I do record if I will be out of the house (without cable...tivo is pointless) I simply find it comforting to come home to sounds and people, even if they are made-up.

Music in my World

I used to live in a darkened room/Had a face of stone/And a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone/Cryin all my tears/With the curtains drawn
I didn't know until my soul broke free/I've got these angels watching over me, yeah

Oh watch me go/I'm a happy girl/Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see/In the whole wide world/Is a happy girl

I used to hide in a party crowd/Bottled up inside/Feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes/With my frozen smile/And my lighted fuse
Now everytime i start to fell like that/I roll out my heart like a welcome mat

Oh watch me go/I'm a happy girl/Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see/In the whole wide world/Is a happy girl

Laugh when i feel like it/Cry when i feel like it/That's just how my life is
That's how it goes/Oh watch me go/I'm a happy girl/And i've come to know
That the world won't change/Just 'cause I complain/Let the axis twirl
I'm a happy girl

~Martina McBride--Happy Girl

The Dogs were Barking!

Much love to the Gregory/Taylor-Boitano Girls! The cousins came up this weekend for Gramma's 70th B-day, but we managed to eek out quite a bit of bonding time. Any two of the sisters is quite a combination, but with both sets of sis' we are able to have so damn much fun. It reminds me just why I love my family so much--we come together in all of our dysfunction and imperfections and we love each other through it all, ugly shoes and all! Never in my life have I had so much fun doing absolutely nothing as with these girls. It was more than what I needed right now...no explanations, no expectations...just fun, laughter, food, and the occasional tear. With so much love in the air I went back to P-town for some quieter movie time with the folks. And back home to the apartment and town for Easter Brunch, and then back to P-town. The shuffling kept my mind in a necessary state of movement after such a blessed time with the girls.
And today is was just me time, a rare Monday off of work. I put it to good use--laundry, baking, and feeding my new time passing addiction: The OC (I just can't get enough, and the tv series converted to dvd is a real life saver!) It's one day at a time. I've found some much needed inspiration though, and the novel...the pages just keep pluggin along with weekends like this!

booze

Officially session numero dos of counseling is done. It's going to be a very long process...immediately after yesturday's session I rearranged my entire apartment--which turned out a mirror image of what it had been :( {I don't even wanna think what that means} Maybe I need to rearrange my life...I mean, I tried that but nothing got put back in place.
So yesturday...it was a talk about alcohol...which I didn't think is my problem. Sure, I love a cold beer or a glass or wine, or a mixed drink. And yes, I've been known to throw back several shots but, no more than the next guy, right? Whew, talk about saying it all aloud! Sure it was great talking about all those nights of fun, with more than I'd like to remember turning into nights of not quite as much fun as I'd planned!! Does this mean I'm quitting cold turkey? I don't even know if I need to quit. Last night I really wanted a Kokanee...as I had 12 nice cold ones in the fridge. But after my hourly chat with the Doc...I just couldn't do it. Because I want to prove to myself I don't have a problem. It was a test...but an easy one.

everyone else can sleep better

It's either way too early, or way to late for me to be up. The thing is that I can't sleep...I can't because everytime I wake up I remember that it's all real. I'm so tired of pretending everything is okay so everyone else can sleep better or something. Because when it really comes down to it..I'm still not sleeping. The illusion is what brought me here in the first place. It's what forced me to stop and look around and change, even though at the time it wasn't so much a conscious decision I was making--I was forced to see the brokenness. Here it is though, I'm not the same. I can't be the funny, grass-is-greener, happy-go-lucky girl anymore. Because I hid behind that mask for long enough that it came to this. And I'm so fucking tired of being here. Pretending I'm fixed is just ignoring all the other bullshit. And it just has to be okay. I love the people in my life but I'm not doing this for them anymore. This is for me...because they won't be there to pick up the pieces when I break. So yeah, I'm just angry for having to hide behind the mask even though they know I'm so broken. It's hurting so much more to hide because it helps everyone else. I know what would be easier...but I can't do it.

Spring has Sprung

This weekend was a good one. A rare gem in the life of mud and rather large boulders who seem to find themselves in the middle of most roads! I made the short drive to P-town, home of the ever dysfunctional G-family, whom I love and adore. There's something about driving home that calms me in a way I cannot fully explain. It's the small things I think, the familiarity of the road...I'm sure I could almost do it blindfolded, the solitude of being alone in my car and yet surrounded by other commuters, and then the small personal preferences--my amaretto latte, Kenny Chesney in the cd player, it's all very rejuvinating. And then some quality time with my dad and brother--oh, and maxx, the ever lovable yellow lab. It's very simple, some bbq, some movies, and no pretense, no explanations. The snow ruined our plans for outdoors...but since we got very little over the winter, I was even okay, maybe happy to see some white flakes! A drive to the lake was fantastic, seeing it gives me some hope for the future, hope for all the many trips to take in the coming years with the family as it grows. I think that may be the only place I've found in the world that allows me to be fully me in a way I can't describe. I would like to bottle up that feeling and keep it forever...but that can't happen and so I'm forced to face reality...and as we all know, that kinda sucks!

Daydream, Delusion, Limousine, Eyelash

I have a bit of an obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to my activities...this weekend was crafting and Ethan Hawke. I worked on my scrapbooks, which are turning out awesome, and I watched a few Ethan Hawke movies, and managed to find the time to read one of his books too (which are both fabulous, I wish he would write another soon!) Anyways, so this weekend it was Reality Bites & Before Sunset--which this poem is from, and it just makes me smile (which is a pretty big feat these days :)
Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me / Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm delusion angel / I'm fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going / Latched in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I'll carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?
"I think most people are good at more things than the world gives them the opportunity to do." EH

March Madness

This is madness. Complete fucking madness. Gonzaga is out. Again. They played a great game...until they lost it. At one point we were up by 13 and continued to play like a team needing to catch up, bombing three's and all that other bs. So yeah, if you don't make your free throws, or get rebounds, you will lose. Well, I still love the Zags...there's always next year, right? Fuck that, I am focused on this year, and this sucks. Okay, pull it together. It was a tough game, with a tough team, I mean, everyone in the tourney is good really, regardless of seeding, if they weren't good, they wouldn't be there. And so, as much as I hate to see the Zags lose, let's hear it for the underdogs!

Confessions from Outside the Box

Has it actually been 9 days since I became a college drop-out? The experience has been so fucking liberating I feel like a new person. I was so tired of getting through classes to get where I didn't even want to go. I still don't know for sure where I want to go--but getting outside of the Whitworth box has improved my life like a surprise visit from Brad Pitt...not like I would kick that idea out of bed. There is nothing I do right now that I don't want, which may make me selfish, but I don't care. Working has become like a stress-reliever and my boss has become one of my greatest allies. It's in doing the mundane little things that I realize how damn lucky I really am; flossing my teeth, washing my car, painting my fingernails...these are the things I do and am fully aware of myself, of who I am. I let go of everything I thought I should be doing and have found an exciting new direction full of possibilities.

Jack 'n' Diane

You know the one...the little ditty about Jack & Diane, even Kenny sings about it. Well I love the song, but even more I love my little Jacquelyn Diane. I cannot believe how much impact this little girl has on my life. Just thinking about how much joy she has in her life makes me feel alive. Today, for example, she wanted to turn on the music so we could dance. And dance she does--2 years old, but with more rhythm than I. And she sings along, never ceasing to amaze me with all the words she knows by heart. It's the beautiful thing about watching kids grow up, they are more excited each day than they were the one before. Nothing is beyond them, nothing too outrageous or too scary. She blesses my life every moment (even when she tries my patience!) But today when I came, she had to show me her hat, her "Heather hat," a pink baseball hat, just like mine; and my heart just melted.
This is really what it is about. The little moments when you can make a connection and see the love you share with another person (even a two-foot mini grown-up) My little Jacquelyn Diane, in all her love gives me a reason to be all that I can be. Because I know she is watching, and she is depending on me.

Baseball Weather

These kind of days take back to a place of dreams and opportunities. Back when the rest of my life was all that awaited me and I couldn't wait to dive right in. This is the kind of day that I used to find powerful because I knew I could do anything. Days spend outside throwing the ball around, warming up after a winter spent inside.
Today I sat outside and just soaked up the sun. I hope it can cast away some of the anger I feel, some of the hurt. I feel alive and yet void. My senses are on fire and yet, they're not being allowed to burn. I've been having trouble sleeping--some dreams are so pleasant that I just want to go back to them and avoid reality altogether, and some are just unsettling. I want to be able to say what I mean and not feel guilty about it. I've been in so much pain because I'm holding in to what I need to say.
Maybe it's all bullshit. Maybe this is all just a big game and I don't have all the pieces. I just want to go back to the time when it was all so innocent, before the world I knew came crashing down around me. I just want to be able to renew my strength this time before it happens again.

Travis Tritt

This depression has engulfed my usually sunshing demeanor and I'm at quite a loss. I swear I've even lost the will to eat--and I'm a Gregory. It's what we do--we eat. We may not be great thinkers, or world leaders, and we can't run very fast, but damn it we can eat! A little country music is able to lift my spirits however! I mean, how can you listen to "A great day to be alive" and not sing along. And then, if you're saying it, it must be true. It is a great day to be alive. Truthfully--I am happy, if only to have stayed in bed all day. Quitting school gives one a lot of perspective. I have the rest of my life to go to school. I have the rest of my life for everything. And if it is so damn great to be alive today, I'm going to quit wasting each day doing something I hate.
And this has been a damn good day. The buzz word for today is damn. I got to spend time in my damn fine apartment in bed. I got to read a book for fun damnit (quitting school is awesome!). Now it's time for some quality bonding time with my sis (even after I got spanked playing Gin Rummy--I had a comeback with Slapjack damnit). So damnit, I may be depressed, but I am not dead. The Zags are up by 20 playing some mad basketball, just in time for the tourney and March Madness!! It's a great day to be alive my friends. A damn fine day!

It's Getting Dark in Here~Elton John

And the wait isn't worth what I'm getting
Sometimes I feel I'm on fire
I've been handed a curse and a blessing
My life's been stripped down to the wire
And I'm trying to get back and hold on
Find someone somewhere who cares
But the sun's always setting on my life
And it's sure getting dark in here

Don't talk about angels
Or how I'll be saved
I'm no coward
But I'm not that brave
Rags are blowing
Rain's getting near
I'm done with running
And it's getting dark in here

Withdrawal from Whitworth

In all humor, I'm a freaking nut case. In reality, I just can't fucking take it. So I'm out. I'm in the process of getting all of my profs to sign me out with a lovely little "W" and then I'm hitting the high road to hopeful happiness. I think I may have actually suffered some kind of emotional breakdown....it was an experience like no other. Anyways, my fam (who keeps rocking my world) and I have decided it best to resign from the Whitworth environment. I guess that makes me a drop-out! Whatever...I'm ready, it should be an interesting ride!

Sweat Pants and Amaretto Coffee

Ahhh...the wonderful feeling of finishing a test--another cycle of procrastination, early morning cramming, and then just the satisfaction of finishing it. I don't care about grades...honestly, I don't. I could get A's, but I just don't see the point. I learn, I turn things in, but I'm not going to break my back--or my life spending countless hours doing homework. If I can do my little cycle, and pull out a solid B...I don't see the point of waisting one more minute thinking about it.
So the sweats...oh yes, I love it. Wearing sweats used to be a sign that one had given up on life. I'm hear to tell you that is not true. I just feel so relaxed, so kicked back. Yes, I'm not making a fashion statement, but I rarely am in jeans either. Just so I don't make this a habit and I think I'll fare quite well.
See, it's the simple things. It's finishing this test, wearing my sweats, and the deliciousness of an amaretto latte that could make even going to work an alright day. I'm on top of the world baby...and the day is mine. I even asked for the rain. And now it's time to get out there and be. My goal for the day is to finish the next chapter in my great american novel...due out sometime in this lifetime I hope.