Mrs X (Part 2)~

It's exhausting, being the nanny, the friend, the employee.

After working 9 hours a day I want to go home...but the friend card is dealt, a glass of wine is poured and the next thing I know it's 10:30. The nanny thing is always there, I'm always helping with the kids, which I do love...just not when I'm doing the office thing. I can't be working in the office when I'm driving kids to school, or changing diapers, or any of the other things I manage to squeeze into my normal work day.

And now here we are. We've moved the office into the new house. When I start my work day they are just beginning their normal routines--breakfast, showers, brushing teeth. I'm immersed in their entire lives, there is no autonomy from them. I run their office. I take care of their kids. I pay their bills. They'd like me to move into the old house until it sells.

As much as I know about their life, as involved as I am, make no mistake, this is not a two-way street. They know as much as I let on. As much as I talk, and I'm a big talker, but we're talking grains of sand here...They know as much as they see. They think it is the same, thinking all the while every nuance is shared between us. Sometimes I just laugh, roll my eyes and laugh when Mrs. X talks about my life. As if she is the same to me as I am to her....as if my secrets are theirs as well. It is extremely hard, but I'm trying to keep my Independence.

When 5 o'clock rolls around I choose to go home. Because I like my home. And I've been immersed in their lives for nine hours and I've had enough for one day. Because they are not my comfort...it's not my wind down. It's still work. And I love my wind down. I love coming home. I love leaving them at the end of the day.

Christmas Time Is Here~

Mrs. X (Part One)~

The relationship I have with my boss is complex, to put it mildly. We met 4 years ago at her house where I found myself one day after discovering the perfect! job posting at career services on my once loved, now much despised college campus. Knowing her now, it's shocking we met at all, as she's definitely not the type to go posting anything on a college campus. But look where that little posting brought us(....sigh!)

Things at first were great, as great as it can ever be to be in somebody home, watching their children. I knew virtually nothing about them, and they knew only what I had told them about me. (Which by the way could have been all lies...I can't imagine how scary it would be to leave your children with a perfect stranger!) It wasn't long before the "great" wore off and I was tired of raising this lady's kids while she did what, exactly? There was more than one occasion she came home hours late and would be prattling on and on while inside I was screaming "just say it....H just say it to her. Say...'T, this is my two-weeks...I just can't do this anymore. School and all. It's too much'" But I could never say it. Because I was in love with the two most incredible children on the planet. And I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Over the years our lives have grown together. But how could they not? You can't be the nanny without becoming part of the family. Or maybe you can, and that's just where I went wrong. To be the nanny is to be in their home everyday, to seamlessly step into roles that are normally reserved for parents; you hear the first word, you see the first step, and from then on there is no going back. You are the pseudo mother and everything that goes with that. It is an intimate relationship, and it cements you together. You've become privy to secrets nobody else knows--who secretly looks at porn on the computer, who takes appetite suppressants, anti-depressants, vitamins, pain-killers, who chews copenhagen, who screams at their kids and who hates life. You hear arguments and whispers, you know the entire family history, the family dynamic and you have just become part of it.

At times I felt invisible. A bottle would fall from the counter and magically never hit the floor. A diaper would be changed in the blink of an eye. Abracadabra! kids learned how to say the abc's, how to spell their names, how to count with the snap of a finger. It's different now, but there is always that before and after. Other family members, friends of the X's treat me like the employee, nothing more, nothing less.

It's changed since then, because of the hours I've logged, because of all that time spent. Now it's apparent how much I do to keep their lives seamlessly rolling on. We've experienced life together over the years and as much as I hate to admit it, the X's have also been there for me in some difficult times. Sure, they make me work the day after Christmas so they can spend time with their families, but they are very understanding on the rare occasion I say no. They were very flexible with me when I dropped out of school and needed some me time, some therapy time and very little work time. They've bought my groceries (yay for Thanksgiving bonus!), they've paid my rent (yay for Christmas bonus!), they've kept me working and always given me as many hours as I need.

As each week, each month, each year comes to a close we are nothing if not closer. I've moved from nanny, to business employee, to friend. More bottles of wine have been shared than I care to remember. More secrets are shared, more memories and moments are captured. The kids mean more to me each day. But they aren't my kids...this is my job. And at the end of the day I leave, and I go home to my own life.

For them, as time goes on I'm more and more a part of their lives. For me, it's different. It's a job. A job I like...but something I could leave. For them it's their life, day in and day out. These are their choices for forever. This is my choice for now.

12 Days Before Christmas!

Oh how I love the holidays! Oh I how I love Christmas. My Christmas shopping was actually done a few weeks ago, but every time I go into a store I manage finding a few more things my friends and family would absolutely love! And I would love buying them just as much! I need to reign myself in, but seriously, it is so much fun to give. I can't believe it's only 12 days until Christmas. This makes me sad because in just two short weeks it will all be over. And I love to savor. (Especially after last year where the moment passed before we all knew we were even in it.) Anyways, the next 12 days will be spent in nothing less than 110% Christmas cheer! Yay.
(Very very good)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Oh wrapping paper definitely. This year I'm doing solid green, white with red moose, and red with snowflakes. Very very pretty.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. Except I live in an apartment and so the joy of chopping down my own tree has turned into joy taking my tree out of a box and assembling it each year.

3. When do you put up the tree? The first day I have at home after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? Sometime after New Year's but before my birthday.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes. I remember liking it more than I actually do, but it's not quite Christmas without it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Oh, there are too many! Teddy Ruxpin probably tops the list.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes. Since my mom got rid of the one we had growing up I have the next best thing--the same olive wood set from my grandma. I'm glad for the switch because our baby Jesus looked like a 90-year old man. This one is actually a baby.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My brother. I'm never too sure what he wants/needs.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My sissy.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. Except this year I'm pissed at Target because my cards are smaller than the envelopes and it just looks tacky...like I couldn't find envelopes so these are a quick solution. I'm tempted to just buy new.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I've never really gotten anything too bad. Oh, the Peewee Herman sweatshirts as a kid were pretty awful.

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Charlie Brown's Christmas; Home Alone; Prancer; Love Actually; Rudolph; Christmas Vacation.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Sometime in November...it's never too early!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas gift? Most definitely. Usually from a friend to a friend.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Cookies!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Usually clear. Last year when the brother and I decorated mom and dad's we played homage to years past with a retro tree, colored lights and all.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Oh Holy Nigh; Christmas Eve in Sarajevo; Rockin Around the Christmas Tree; Grown-Up Christmas List

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I like to stay home, but traveling is okay too. This year we're off to my sisters, which feels like my home anyways so it's all good.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Of course

20. Angel or star on top of your tree? Angel

21. Open presents Christmas Eve or morning? Depends. This year we're doing presents on Christmas Eve and stocking on Christmas so we can travel to the aunt and uncle's for the big family Christmas. I like opening on Christmas morning best.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? How fast time goes

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I like the classic red, silver and gold. Maybe we'll do a theme next year...kind of a fashionista theme...glamourous...all high heels and skyscrapers, lipsticks, and nail polish, pinks and black!

24. Favorite Christmas dinner? I didn't realize it at the time...the dinner of 2004. The last time the Fab 5 was all together.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace on earth.....Okay, as happy as that would make me, I do love opening up pretty things. This year: nothing I need, just something that I want! :)

(Mostly)Happy thoughts~

Well first of all my hands are so cold it's hard to get the motivation to type, although I'm hoping this might be some kind of work-out and pretty soon they'll be so toasty warm I'll have to go outside and play in the snow for a bit. Okay, really that's planB because planA: type with gloves on, doesn't seem to be working as I wore mittens today and that is freaking tricky! Also I'm so angry at myself for burning my tongue on my delicious clam chowder that I was obviously very excited to eat as I couldn't wait for it to cool down. So with the scalded tongue thing going on I'm finding it hard to drink my hot tea that is sitting right next to me, just getting colder by the second. Thought: Maybe God invented the burned tongue singed feeling so we'd learn a little patience the next time we're around a scalding liquid we're about to put into our mouth?

Today feels like a little vacation because the bosses are all out of town!! And the phone hasn't rung all day. Yes, actually it has once or twice so I know it's working but today nobody wants to talk to me, and hence I can put working on the back burner for a small bit! Yes, there's work to be done but moving the office again is not something I'm really looking forward to. Second time in as many months. Blah.

This snowfall has really thrown me into good tidings and great joy. I'm happy. Just sitting here right now, I'm at peace with myself, at peace with the world. The snow has this sparkling quality that's effervesced into my whole mentality or something. Perhaps the spirit of Christmas is upon me. :) It's nice to sit back and enjoy life, enjoy the little moments that make life so spectacular.

Life would be a little more spectacular if the Gonzaga game wasn't on ESPNU does anyone even have that channel? Oh and if the writers could get paid the money they're asking for and The Office could come back to me.

Okay....let's wrap this up and finish work for the day and go home:
Things I'm Happy About Right Now:
***Snow on the ground...not on the roads!
***The twinkle lights on my porch
***Peppermint mochas
***Linus & the true meaning of Christmas
***Dancing around my apartment in my pj's to chrismas music
***BBQ Chicken wrap that I saved from my lunch for my dinner
***The distinctive ring my sister chose for me on her cell phone is Love Shack.
***Starting a new book
***Knitting a new scarf
***Getting packages in the mail/having my Christmas shopping almost done
***Having the bills paid
***Coming home

Snow!

Sparkling Fresh Snow!!

Thanksgiving~Whoop Whoop!

The thanksgiving prep visual aide:


We started with fresh herbs, garlic and butter for the turkey rub. (Yeah, rub...crazy how overnight I became a chef.)


We were very proud of said rub as it made for a very tasty and moist turkey



And then our little guy in the oven...my how tasty you look...I wish we'd have captured the pictures of him dancing around before we rubbed him down as it turned out


Okay, so yeah, like D on presentation...but as the appetizer menu came very very last minute I'm okay with it. Besides it was very tasty. I <3 href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7T_f1j4xotoDJNjmTYnemhjp33LKCNy7r4sO42xI7DC1TD7-IjaFpAMBcA6vkjc7ZYX1catIPym-tZDIW8xCYVGuYolqvCV6nJ1fLuroiULHEME3Ho5u2gxGtpY31jxKG8MlO/s1600-h/Fall2007+056.jpg">







Yummy! Yummy! All 10 Thanksgiving dinner items cooked and ready to eat at the same time: specfuckintacular!!

Thanks! Giving!

I'm going to skip the ramblings about how much I love the holiday season and get right to the point. (BTW: I love Love LOVE the holidays!)

First of all today was a smashing success. My first holiday as hostess was beyond my own expectations. I've never fancied myself particularly strong in the culinary department, I can bake with the best of them, but cooking has never really been my forte. Those days are soooo over! I hate to be bragging about my own food but when "this is the best meal I've even eaten" gets bandied about a girl really starts to float on air. From the appetizers to the desserts the meal was incredible. (Menu and photos to follow.)

One of the reasons I love the holiday is the family time. I love me some family time. What started out as an orphan Thanksgiving quickly turned into a G-Fam extravaganza complete with a few rousing games of Loaded Questions thrown in for good measure. I started a new tradition this year one that I'm sure will be around for years to come. Instead of the cliche talking points for dinner with everyone listing all they're thankful for we anonymously wrote our responses down and stuck them in the centerpiece. During the dessert we read them. Tears were shed. Laughs and giggles followed. It's what I love about holidays. The security, the vulnerability, the moments to take the time to enjoy life, to take stock of our lives and be glad.

So.....Thanksgiving 2007....in a year that has been so freaking crammed full of life moments here's my list of what I'm thankful for, not just today, but all through the year:

1. My incredible family. Yes, all Fiasco 5 in all of our glory. I don't know who I'd be without them.
2. The new family members we've gained. With a wedding and two new babies this year we've certainly been blessed.
3. Snow tires. Already on my car in preperation for the week ahead and what's been predicted as much snow to put them to good use.
4. Sweet Pototoes. Ymmmm...Brown Sugar and Butter. Even better! :)
5. My job. And the paycheck that allows me to live the life I want to.
6. My apartment. My pretty apartment that is just what I want it to be....my home.
7. Diet Coke. And Coffee. Equally.
8. Today's dinner and the moments before and after.
9. Belle. Even though she is a very naughty kitten.
10. Christmas music.
11. Going to the 3-cities to see my sister!
12. Christmas shopping with my mamma and my sissy.
13. My health insurance.
14. The pumpkin caramel cheesecake that turned out fabulously both in the vision category and the taste competition!
15. My grandma. Lately I'm realizing how lucky I am to have her in my life.

Thanksgiving~

This makes me feel like a grown up. I thought I was a grown up when I started paying my own bills--when the student loans showed up, the car payment, the rent... I thought I was a grown up when I decided to move to another state, and then when I decided to move back. I thought I was a grown up after a honest conversation in which I'd been hurt, but managed to keep my cool, managed not to be mean just to be mean. I thought I was a grown up when I got this new fancy grown up job running this office...running this family. Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Now I'm a grown up. I'm a real grown up hosting my very own Thanksgiving dinner!!! I am so excited. So. Excited. Yes, the true verdict will come on Thursday PM. After the meal has been served, after the dessert has been eaten, after the guests have been properly stuffed.

This was not my original idea. Since we'd (my folks and I) been abandoned by the rest of our family I took charge and planned a very nice, very low-key, very different turkey day. Small dinner and a play. Cool. Nontraditional. Because a traditional dinner for three can be a wee bit depressing. And then the aforementioned brother decided not to abandon us, decided to instead abandon us on Christmas, which I'm still a little mad about. So he and the someday-soon-eventually Mrs will also be joining us. (I cannot believe I just said that...the soon to be MRS. G...wow...I mean, I've known it could be true...it might be true...and I better start acting that way, start acting nicer and all that....nicer, I mean, I'm already nice, but it's weird. Okay, well that is a post for another time) From three to five. And then...the terrific news that my cousin and her beautiful baby son and her mamma were orphaned on the big day as well. They will be joining us for H's very first Thanksgiving!!! And five became eight. And then with so much family getting together why not invite Gramma F and Gramma A. And eight became ten!

It's time for the big guns. I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 10! Bring it on Betty Crocker! Never mind that I live in an apartment. Never mind my kitchen table only has two chairs! Never mind I'm not a huge fan of cooking...that has changed btw in the last few weeks and I've gotten very excited. Many recipes have been scoured over. Many groceries have been purchased. Many dust-bunnies have been vacuumed away. I am ready.

I'm attempting to make a pumpkin-caramel cheesecake because 1) does that not sound amazing!? and 2) I'm an above average baker, so I have faith in myself that my first ever cheesecake will turn out. (If not, the Gramma's have so graciously agreed to bring pie! I love pie) I'm really excited for the day spend cooking with my mom in my own house. I'm excited to share the day with my family. I'm excited to eat!

One more last minute stop at the grocery store. One more day of work. One last chance to clean house.

One last chance to fill my freezer full of deep dish pepperoni pizzas.

Wish List~

I know, I know...I'm the easiest person to shop for on the entire planet...I know I know...it's not even Thanksgiving. But it's still work for another half hour or so and I'm bored. So just in case you needed a few ideas... :)

~Keep It Hotter Longer! (Available @ Target.com) The travel mug bringing me a hot cup of joe well into the afternoon.

~These fabulous boots (also available @ Target size 10 please)

~The US Constitution Mug (so I can have my coffee, and my freedom)

~Must get off the Target website. Seriously.

~Just to make the collection complete :)

(www.wrapables.com)

Love/Hate

Love: The holidays.
Hate: Paying rent. It's just the biggest check I ever write and it always makes me a little sad.
Love: My apartment all full of cheer. It's how I cope with the fatty check each month.
Hate: All sounds associated with a car accident
Love: New Pajamas
Hate: Slow cars in the fast lane.
Love: Autumn...and getting to celebrate everything I'm thankful for, everything I'm blessed with.
Hate: Ketchup
Love: Finishing a great book
Hate: That Marie Osmond hasn't been kicked off DWTS yet. Seriously?!?!
Love: The sound of a child's laughter...especially those belly laughs that last long enough to forget anything that ever made you sad.
Hate: Emptying the dishwasher
Love: Coming home, pouring a glass of wine, lighting some candles, and knowing this is exactly where I need to be.

Fight or Flight~

Today was supposed to be my happy day. Today was supposed to be my day of good tidings and goodwill toward man. Today was the day I was going to buck traditional/rational/sequential thought and bust into my Christmas music. Yeah, I know it's not even Thanksgiving...but I don't care. I'm sick of playing by the rules. I'm fully prepared to become that crazy lady, and eff it, we might as well start today. You know what they say, those people who say things, "Get busy living as the crazy cat lady, or get busy dying as the crazy cat lady." I choose the former--I choose holiday music.

And then I got out of bed.

Right now, in this moment I want nothing more than to go home and crawl back into my bed, toss the covers over my head and sleep for an indeterminate amount of time. I want my happy day! Today was supposed to be my happy day! And now I feel like throwing a temper-tantrum, now I feel like screaming and crying; well I wish that's how I felt. Instead I just feel defeated. I feel crumpled up and defeated.

I'm so tired of being the friend who puts forth all the effort. I'm tired of being the friend who gets crapped on. When we perceive a significant threat to us, then we get ready either for a fight (to the death) or a desperate flight (from certain defeat.) In so many situations I'm a fighter...I'll stand up and fight for what I believe in, for who I believe in. But now I'm not so sure. Now I'm just tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting this battle all on my own.

Because I will fight until it becomes clear that there is nothing left to fight for. I'll fight until it's clear nobody is fighting for me. And that makes me angry, because I am so worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for, I'm worth protecting, I'm worth taking care of. But I'm not willing to settle. It took me too long to see how people treated me, how I let people treat me. I'm done with that. I deserve better than that. And I'm done fighting.

Carrie Underwood~Flat on the Floor

I'm flat on the floor

With my head down low

Where the sky can't rain on me anymore

Don't knock on my door cause I won't come

I'm hiding from the storm 'til the damage gets done

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times

You can't knock me off my feet, when I'm already on my knees

Happy Halloween Part 2~

Some of my favorite Halloween costumes from years past:
1. Snow White. Ah yes, to be in first grade again...
2. A Pixie. And I actually donned this baby a couple times.
3. The Ace of Spades. This was my last year of trick-or-treating. There I was out with my little brother the Indian getting candy up the wazzu and what do we see--my friends out and about causing a little All Hallows Mischief. I swear I still remember exactly how I paused, tilted my head and asked myself "Am I too old to be doing this?" It was like the 5th grade, maybe 6th...okay, maybe I was too old.
4. The Gypsy. This was great. Actually we were two gypsies, my sister and I, with our flowing jammies, some false eyelashes, and definitely lots of glitter!
5. Reminds me of the time we were a Two Headed Monster (Person). This was a cast-off from my sister, sweat pants with three legs, a shirt big enough for two...except the monster thing got lost as we didn't have any masks...so it was just a couple girls in a big t-shirt and effed up pants. We missed the lame factor in the whole thing and had fun.
6. Oh, yes and the Eeyore debacle I let my mother and sister convince me of. They as educators knew the smart investment in Tigger and Pooh. And they suckered me in on it. Sure the kiddies at the elementary school dig on it. The blasted thing is hot as hell.

Happy Halloween~

Typically I'm not big on Halloween...but I'm big on celebrating in general so this year I thought why cheat myself out of another reason to celebrate? (Cheating myself out of anything I enjoy is just not fair, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!) Actually, thinking about it I kind of take that back. I do like Hallowee--I don't like the sluttiness factor. If I was going to dress up in a costume, I go for funny or cute. Which has been hard to pull off the last decade of my life where slutty has been the key description for an "acceptable" costume. **I digress...I could go on a real tangent about those who look forward to dressing up slutty on Halloween...**

Okay, so I'm ready now. Sure the costume thing would have been fun. I could always bust out eeyore but really since Pooh is in Kennewick and Tigger is in P-town I'd just be as depressing as Eeyore is akin to, and I don't want to subject anyone to that on a howl-i-day! I've carved the pumpkin, I've stocked the candy dish, I've watched The Great Pumpkin...and now I'm ready...

Ready for what I'm not exactly sure. No costume=no trick or treating. No kids=no trick or treating. Apartment=no trick or treating. Crap! This sucks! The kids don't celebrate. I get it. I really get your views on Halloween, witches, satan, etc... But I'm not worshipping satan by dressing up as a Cleopatra. Similarly I don't worship baseball by participating in the game. That's a dumb analogy but I'm cranky. I'm crabby now that I'll have to settle for drinking pumpkin beer and eating the candy by myself and watching Charlie Brown again.

Damn it!

It's The Great Pumpkin~

My View~

The tree outside my living room/balcony gets much appreciation from me. All spring, summer and fall she acts as a little curtain, giving me privacy on a cul-de-sac full of apartments. Not-to-mention the fact that sometimes I can forget I live in the city and sit out with a beer and just relax fooling myself to "feel" country until the sound of sirens jolts me back to reality. Anyways, my tree...I love that tree. And she's been so pretty...so fall like. We went from a Monday of this...

To this! Seriously in one weekend. Sure this is late October and there was a lot of wind... But still! I was quite shocked, and saddened to see the leaves fall!

Full Moon

Lost Cause~

It took talking with my sister on the phone last night to realize this entire week has been a bad week. :( And things aren't looking up for today or tomorrow either, because well it's the bottom of the ninth, with a full count, and it's a little late to change my strategy. **Side note, I don't usually watch baseball on TV, except the world's series, and what the hell kind of game was that last night?! Anyways, yes it took talking to my sarah to realize that I was in a bad mood. She called because she was in a bad mood. I guess we like to do these things together. Possibly, this synced mood is because the last two weekends we got to spent together :) and now we've been apart all week and we'll be apart for another 20 days :( Yes, we are very close.

Anyways, I am crabby. I am unproductive. I've possibly done the least amount of work possible and yet the hours keep passing and I only have to survive 1.5 more days until the blessed weekend! I catch myself asking myself "Self--what the hell have you done this week?" And the answer is sadly, not much. Part of the problem is I don't function well with too much time. I'm a procrastinator, I'm a time-waster. It's a tricky balance, something I learned about myself in college. When I've got a long list I hit it, I get shit done and manage my time. When I have just a few things to get done I just can't force myself to do it. It can take 6 hours to do all the things that could get done in one hour. But my problem is if you finish it all in the first hour, how do you have any motivation to do anything but stare at the clock and wait for 5 o'clock? So I spread it out...I check my email, I make a cup of tea...I pace myself so I get it all done just in time. I know...pathetic!

This week started off poorly. I have no amaretto for my coffee (not the liquor, the coffee creamer...although the liquor might help) and I've been forced to use my second choice every day! I have not been in the right frame of mind ever since. Monday morning wardrobe was more akin to a Friday outfit and it got me started on the wrong foot. Which is tricky now that the office is at the house. Because I see work and I know what needs to be done...but also, for years I've come to house in sweats and a ponytail to play with kids all day. And when I'm sitting down here listening to the kids playing and screaming and just being kids part of me goes off to be there doing the nanny thing again, crafting and going to the library and other such merryment all while sitting at my desk answering the phone on the rare occasion it decided to ring. **We need more jobs. For my sanity, we need more work! Please, it's not like people don't need plumbing. Hello?!?!

Anyways I'm very very crabby. Maybe it's pms. Maybe it's other stuff. I need to get back on my exercise regime. I've actually entertained the thought of running in the morning. Whoa! Crazy talk. But I need something because I'm just sitting around feeling ugly, feeling I need a change with my hair, but growing it out takes time...and generally feeling crappy about myself. Which I hate. Because somewhere in my life I learned that I have to take care of me, I have to love myself, and know that I am beautiful. And most days I know it...believe me I know it. But this week...ugghh!

I've completely planned out my weekend. Sweats. Couch. Sex & the City/Gilmore Girls (haven't decided completely yet, maybe I'll switch back and forth) marathon. I might not even shower all weekend! Oh, and I need to carve my pumpkins!! :) And I have to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. Busy busy....

In a Word (or more)

1. Yourself: moxie
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): unknown
3. Your hair: varies
4. Your mother: amazing
5. Your father: inconsiderate
6. Your Favorite Item: books
7. Your dream last night: baby
8. Your Favorite drink: coffee
9. Your Dream Car: land rover
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your Ex: offensive
12. Your fear: death
13. What you want to be in 10 years? mother
14. Who you hung out with last night? tww
15. What You’re Not: indifferent
16. Muffins: sure
17. One of Your Wish List Items: coffee table
18. Time: morning
19. The Last Thing You Did: faxed
20. What You Are Wearing: khakis
21. Your Favorite Weather: rainy
22. Your Favorite Book: Mockingbird
23. The Last Thing You Ate: scone
24. Your Life: swell
25. Your Mood: happy
26. Your best friend: sarah
27. What are you thinking about right now? 5 o'clock
28. Your car: sunfire
29. What are you doing at the moment? working
30. Your summer: busy!
31. Your relationship status: single
32. What is on your TV? nothing
33. What is the weather like? sunny
34. When is the last time you laughed? last night

Falling~

It's no wonder I have a hard time working; sure I can stare at a computer screen all day, or I can gaze out the window and let my mind wander with possibilities. I usually choose the latter. There's something about the fall that always ignites my creative side. It's a combination of the vibrancy, the colors more alive to me than all year long; the crisp fresh scent of morning and the romantic way the fog surrounds you only to burn off in mid-afternoon leaving a sunlit paradise.

This is the scene I've played over and over in mind. The cabin by the lake, smoke coming out of the chimney, leaves falling to the ground in a delicate harmony. The author inside with a cup of hot tea and ideas filling the pages as the characters come to life. Here is a place of quiet, a place of solitude, a peaceful deliverance from ordinary life. Because there are thoughts, there are ideas and they flow like spring runoff into one another and it makes something beautiful.

Leaves~

Work= Work Stuff = Venting~

supposebly???
Supposebly!?!
SUPPOSEBLY!

Earlier this year with the impending move of my roommate, and the soon to follow rent check I had to cover all by my lonesome, I asked my bosses for more hours. Actually I didn't ask rather I applied for a couple other second jobs. When of course these interested employers called by current employers a little shit hit the fan. See I am their bitch, and as such they prefer to keep me to themselves. Hence the gift of working one job with enough hours to cover the bills. Perfect.

Except being the nanny 40+ hours wasn't quite practical. With the arrival of baby L any day now Mom was going to be home more, leaving me again with few options. Now, lucky for all of us Mr & Mrs Boss, happen to have a commercial plumbing business with Mrs. Boss's Father Boss. Lucky for me, that's where I was able to recoup the additional 30 hours and work a few 10-20 with the kids. $$$=bills paid=happy me!

Okay, so fast forward about 11 months and that's where we find ourselves. The past 11 months has seen one office manager quit, and one get fired, moving me from material coordinator to payroll administrator to my now official title of office manager. And I get the whole office to myself. I can do the job and do it well and this is without much training. Most of it was a troubleshooting nightmare of many trials and errors with some guessing thrown in there for good measure. Now don't let the college dropout stigma fool you, I'm one bright chick. So most of this was no problem for me, sure I faced some challenges, but got it all figured out.

The problem happens to come when the trio of bosses forgets that I now run the office, and still sees me as the college girl who "babysits" the kids. (For the millionth time there is a big difference in babysitter and nanny!) When they act so chagrined, so shocked and chagrined when I do something well--not to mention the fact they don't know what chagrined means. When they are so impressed by a simple letter I can write, or an email that is so professional they nearly collapse out of their chairs. It's not that I am Miss Office; it's what they make up for in money, they lack in intelligence (so hurtful today, and yet so honest).

**Warning: Major Vent Session to Commence**

When I discover that a letter or email has been sent without knowledge--or proofing--the headache begins. I have no problem checking emails, letters and please, please, please let me check proposals and legal documents. LET ME DO MY JOB! PLEASE?! I'll correct the grammar. I'll correct the spelling. I know when you type their you really meant there or when you say are you really mean our and I'll fix it for you. Because it's embarrassing to read it later knowing these are the people responsible in giving us another job, these are people we want to be able to bargain with, some times over great deals of money, and yet when they hear you say "SUPPOSEBLY?!" all I can do is cringe.

Supposedly-- Pronunciation[suh-poh-zid-lee]

What really gets me is that most of the time shit hits the fan it's because of a simple mistake which is so easy to blame on "the babysitter now running the office." Like sure blame the girl doing payroll when some body's check is wrong. Yeah, because silly me, I figure when I get the time cards, they're right. I figure I don't need to call and double check with you. Because really what I like to do is go through the time sheets and just erase shit. Yeah, that's right, it's my own little passive-aggressive secret behavior. Or not. How about this if you don't write the correct time on the time sheets then your guys won't get paid correctly. You forget to write down mileage, again, the guys don't get their money. And I know for a fact that after enough people complain Mr. S will start double checking his time sheets. And that's my own little passive-aggressive behavior.

Sure, bitch about the girl who didn't pay the water bill when the water gets shut off. Yeah, because it's fun for me too when the water goes missing from the faucet and I can't pee because the little water problem creates a little toilet flushing problem as well. Or maybe there wasn't any money to pay the damn water bill and I had no choice.

*Venting Over*

Yes, I do in fact love my job. I do like my bosses (for the most part, really I consider T to be one of my good friends). But c'mon guys let's learn to use spell check. Let's learn to double check our time sheets. And for that, I'll be extra nice...maybe make some cookies or something equally fabulous!

We Used to Be Friends~

I am a bad friend. I do not do well with friends. It's hard for me. Actually it's not just friends, it's family too. People are hard for me. It's funny because to be completely honest I would say I am a great friend. I would also say I work hard for my friends and my family. Then why the disconnect? That is the magical question I guess.

It was only a year ago that these same problems were happening with Roommate. She and I were like those magnets that just won't go together. (Scientific speak, clarity, those are my strengths....) Okay well yes we went through some hard times. The roommate thing wasn't working out for us. The becoming part of each others families wasn't a walk in the park either. I saw parts of her, and knew parts of her she never would have shared with me. Some I'm not sure if she knows I know. A family is so intimate and now I would be privileged to hers. Scary. On both sides. So yeah, we were dealing with a lot of growing pains. Which I feel all relationships must go through.

The thing is I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore. That may have been a little harsh. But the truth was, we'd been living together, we'd been best friends and it's not really who we are. We lived a crazy time in our lives together, we survived Whitworth together. And I don't know, any other college we might not have been friends. I don't really think that's true. But we definitely bonded at whitworth because we were both from the outside. We wanted to be on the outside. And from there we had enough in common to form a united front. But outside the "pine cone curtain" we didn't really quite mesh as BFF. And I feel better about things now. We're friends. We'll be there for each other when needed. We have the occasional email, the phone calls now and then, and we see each other a couple times a year. It's good for me.

Okay so here we are a year later with Heidi.... mmmm.....For me it's never been a great friendship. It's always been so much damn effort. I know how selfish that sounds. But from the moment I met her I felt like she needed a mother figure and that's who I became for her. A role I didn't really want to fill. And over the years it's gotten worse...because I've felt trapped. I don't necessarily want to protect her, but I don't feel I can be honest with her either. She's so naive...so narrow minded in the scheme of the whole world. I mean she just doesn't get her place in space. That yes, there are so many more people better off than you...but there are also so many more who would be so happy to have what she has. Security, for one. I know it's great to be "self sufficient", but when your parents pay your credit card every month I don't want you prying into my finances or talking about how hard it is on your own. Puuhhhlease.

And I did what I've been known to do....I let it fester and fester until there was nothing to do but cut it off. So that's what I did. It's what I do. My high school friends. My college friends. Because I'm not in the market for a BFF, I never have been. I have a sister and she is my best friend forever and ever. We are a packaged deal. I like her to be a part of my life. These other friends have never quite got that. And sometimes it feels like I'm betraying her which I know I'm not...but the thing is we've been through everything together. We just get it. And we don't need to explain, or excuse. We can just be. It's an amazing gift, to have a sister, to have someone like that in your life. For me, I accept no substitutions.

The Heidi thing feels like a break up. Oh yeah, I've had the break-up, it's not you it's me routine with friends before. And basically the friendship began to feel like a relationship with all it's expectations and in a if-you-are-too-busy-for-me-i'll-be-pissed-way. I wanted to yell and be like I don't owe you anything. If I don't answer my phone you cannot get mad at me. You cannot get mad at me when I work late, when I hang out with T, or when I do any of the other things that are uniquely me. Now you can get mad when I cancel plans with you, or if I'm rude, or if I'm directly involving you. But as for the rest of my life--it's off limits. And that is the disconnect right there. She didn't get the boundaries that are uniquely me. I should have spoken up, but these are things I felt are unspoken.

So here we are. I found myself in a rage after the last visit. After her birthday, after she opened gifts galore from me and then bitched about how lame the night was. Seriously?! Rude! I was not in the mood for a birthday party--but I pushed those feelings down, open for whatever she wanted to do that night. That was really the last straw. Don't come into my house and crap all over me. Thank you very much. Don't bring me down because something is bringing you down.

So the rage passed but the anger stayed. I was frustrated with myself for not speaking up about this. Because I pride myself on my honesty. So I let the rage guide the keys and I fired off a very tame (considering I've been known to let the words fly like daggers) and honest email. And that's that. Will we be friends again? I don't know, is this an after school special or sesame street kind of moment? Maybe.

Do I care either way? Actually no. Sure it seems my friends are dropping like flies (helping my cell phone bill, btw) but it doesn't matter because that's not what defines me. I'm okay without a packed social calender. I'm okay with me; and those friends and family (thanks dad...) who make you question your self esteem, question who you are, are definitly not worth it.

October Rain~

If people could be colors today this would be me. Nothing too splashy. But a little excitement, a splash of color in the otherwise gray and drizzling background. This morning I traded my much loved and valued sleep for an early morning. Sure I had to get to work early and I wasn't sure I could quite pull it off. So I forced myself to think about how early I had to be up at 'em, how much time I needed and tricked myself into even less sleep and heard the screams of the alarm going off at 5 am.


But a strange thing happened on my walk to the coffee pot. Instead of my typical groggy walk I had a little spring in my step, and I noticed a little smile before I could stop myself. What had happened to my normal grouchy morning routine? And who had replaced my cynical outlook on life and traded it with this....this gleeful girl? I decided to roll with it....and found myself at Starbucks enjoying a Pumpkin latte (who cares about calories anyway?) and my book.

People were rushing in and out on the way to their busy days and I got the chance to just sit, sip and daydream about life. Ponder who these people really were and where they were headed off to with their caffeine. My time passed too quickly and soon I had to wake from this real-life dream and go to work.

But not before getting just one more cup of coffee for the road...

Lightning Crashes~

Right now in a hospital a couple hundred miles away a new baby boy is about to come into this world. He is about to meet his mother and his grandmother and his aunt and his great aunt and his great cousin who have all rallied around to be there for this moment. For his moment, for that first cry, for that first glimpse of the person who has just captured their hearts forever. It's magical. To me, when a baby is born it's just like magic. The instant you meet this baby who you realize will turn into a child, a teenager (yikes!) and someday a grown-up. But along the way he'll become his own person, with his own dreams and his own future. And for that first moment there's nothing else. It swallows you up and you aren't sure how you ever survived without this feeling, without this person, without this love, without this new life.

I'm not there for a lot of reasons. Truthfully I didn't want to impose. Truthfully it's not something I'm sure I could handle. Truthfully I'm a little jealous. I want a baby. Sure, not today...but someday and I guess I'm tired of watching all these people have babies. I'm just feeling crabby and irritated. I'm just left wondering if that magic is ever going to happen for me. It's Friday night and I'm home, drinking and smoking away the thoughts that I can't face yet. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of hoping and being let down.

That life is just out of my reach. And for tonight, while it's pouring down rain outside, and inside it's just as gloomy I'm going to revel in. I'm going to take a bubble bath and throw a pity party for myself...

"Much unhappiness has come into this world because of things left unsaid." ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

Bouquets of Sharpened Pencils~

Ladies and gentleman, we can all breathe a sigh of relief! Whew!!!

Somewhere around mid-January I get the wintertime grays. Literally--I can't see past the sun going down at 4 pm and the layers of ice and snow covering every imaginable surface. Somehow I convince myself that summer is just a hop skip and a jump away. Naively I psych myself up to spend countless hours with mediocre literature and the alternating sounds of the lake crashing into the shore or the rhythm and bass pulsing through the buds of my iPod shutting out everything else. I imagine myself working on my (safe! SPF 45 baby) tan with the backdrop of peace and tranquility and whatever drama happens to be unfolding on the pages of my current book.

The fiction! The audacity! That shit doesn't happen. Summertime has a whole new meaning in the real world. I long for the days of summer I so recklessly wasted before I knew how to truly revel in three months off. Summertime just means you get to trade ice and snow for blue skies and 99 degrees. It just means that you get to do your work while the lucky few are out enjoying "summer". It means that although you've uttered "I love the outdoors..." what you really meant was "...when I'm camping with my fam, partaking in my share of alcoholic beverages on the coast of somewhere beautiful." Otherwise, really, nature is just a big old pain in the ass!!

Now that I've lived a full summer, and almost a full year as a working girl away from the nanny gig (and the full size swimming pool) I feel I've finally seen the error of my misguided ways. Summer is crap. Summer sucks. (Except for folks like my sissy who was smart enough to choose a job that lets you take advantage of your fully- capable-adult- decision- making- skills and revel in three months off).

I heart September. I heart fall. Forget long hours and endless to-do lists. We've got bedtimes and school nights, we've got routine! I heart routine! We've got dinner times and schedules. We've (almost!) got new TV to dive into with cups of hot tea and extra blankets around for those moments it gets a little chilly. I'm a routine girl. I get up earlier and start my day the right way. I'm reading and writing because now suddenly I have all this time! While summer so greedily sucked away every precious minute I had, fall gives it back in spades! I'm speaking almost entirely in exclamations, and I give credit where credit is due; to FALL! To new sweaters and corduroy skirts! To pumpkin spice lattes and apples right off the tree! To not having to keep up my pedicure and swimsuit season coming to a close!! To spending weekends with my sister crafting, talking, and cracking each other up!

I feel like skipping in the crisp morning air. I feel like dancing through college campuses. I feel like sharpening bouquets of pencils and just passing them around. Instead, I'll just do all that in my imagination; save the public from my autumn--induced euphoria.

On second thought, that pencil thing might just get me through the afternoon!

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, but they become legends. ~~~~~Legends of the Fall

Give a Little Bit~

I hate to become another girl with daddy issues. It's so fucking cliche. In fact I've spent some quality couch time trying to move on from the past with the help of a certified professional. I'd wasted much of my adolescence being the poster girl for teenage angst, the girl angry at her dad.

Growing up there were times when my anger was so alive I felt it literally strangling me, taking away all of my oxygen and leaving me empty. My anger, my rage is something I hide behind so I don't have to expose my real feelings--hurt, embarrassment, shame, guilt, vulnerability, isolation, fear. As much as I want to move past the anger and all the issues I dealt with growing up, they keep sneaking up on me. Something, someone keeps getting in the fucking way. Every time I think I'm so much better off, every time I think it's finally going to be over, it happens again. I'm grateful I can focus on the present without dredging up every single fight, every wrong that's ever happened in the history of my dysfunction. I do know "I don't like the way you are treating me" but I cannot say it. And right there, that comes from deep within, the fear of being honest and getting destroyed comes from the past and everything that's happened before.

A few years ago I made a conscious decision to have a relationship with my dad, to bury the hatchet and be friends. I spent some time taking inventory of my life and I realized how lucky I was. I had a dad after all, alive and well, present in my life and I was wasting this gift, throwing it away. I used to feel guilty, those times my anger would push me over the edge and I'd lose all control, the times I'd actually wish him dead, wish something terrible would happen to him, pray even, that he'd just die.

And instantly I'd be filled with remorse, with guilt for not taking advantage of what so many didn't even had. Knowing how horrible it was for my mom to lose her dad. To watch as he got sick, watch as he got worse, watch as it became too much and he died. Knowing how it hurt her not to know him as she became an adult, for him not to know his grand kids and visa verse. How she misses him, grieves for him. I'd feel lower than low, and wish that it could have been my dad, wish that I could have traded her that pain, because after all it's what I wanted.

The last few years have been golden. Moments of "honesty" with my dad, laughs and memories. And it hurts now to see that he doesn't realize what I did. That I wanted to know him, I wanted to move on and so I changed. I did so many things for him, birthdays and phone calls, weekends spent at home playing cards, weekends camping and sitting by the fire. Sure, all things I enjoy, but I was making an effort. For years that stuff never happened, no camping, no drives to the lake, nothing. Because he didn't see that as a way to get to know either one of his daughters. He never thought of an activity we'd enjoy, and take that chance to grow away from the shit and start something positive. The change came when we started doing things he liked. And I'm not angry that for that to happen we were the ones who had to make the change. Sure, it should have probably been the parent instead of the child, but that's just semantics.

I pushed away everything else. The times I needed him to stand up for me and he stood up for himself. The times I needed support and he didn't want to get involved. I just wanted a good relationship with my dad. But it's over now, that last straw has broken the camels back or whatever... For months now he's made it so obvious that he's only taking care of himself I can't even stand to be around him. He's so blatantly selfish it actually hurts me. To know how "close" we were, and that changes and he doesn't even care. He puts it all off on me.

He's free to do that. He's free to wander around in a haze, angry and rude all the time. But I'm not going to be a part of it anymore. I'm tired of giving and giving and getting nothing. Less than nothing, because when it's not appreciated, when it's taken for granted that hurts even more. I'm not willing to go back to being angry all the time. I'm not willing to let that suffocation hold on to me until I have nothing else.

I can leave the past in the past. But I'm also not stupid enough to keep on making the same mistakes. I'm not going to beg you to listen to me, to stand up for me, to love me when you're walking away. I've learned that lesson time and time again. And sure, maybe I'm alone now, but that's better than pouring my heart out to someone who's walking away, who's turning around and shutting out everything I am saying, everything I am. He's closed the door.

He's a grown man, fully capable of making his own choices. I'm not standing in the way this time.

Good Grief~

Pregnancies and funerals come in three's.

This year I've held two brand new beautiful little babies. And the third is due in September. I remember the day J told me "they" were going to have a baby. I was happy, as I always am when the word baby pops into a conversation. But my mind was reeling. This isn't how to fix a shitty marriage. So when miss j told me her mommy had a baby in her tummy I smiled and planned and waited. I love little L more than I ever thought possible. I feel like they are my family. And when word came that my cousin was having a little may surprise I just waited...for baby #3. Months and months of waiting turned into little baby boy, name still undecided. I don't know where the whole tri-pregnancy thing comes from but there it is--a beautiful little trio of everything that is sweet and pure.

I'm trying not to be morbid. I'm not sure how to describe it...it's not curiosity, not particularly intriguing, it's just there--death is a part of life. I'm extremely passionate about life and in that respect I guess I just give death a small portion of my time, to be fair. I have a healthy fear of death. The unknown I guess. It's not from naivety really, because I have experienced death both of family members and friends, young people and old, from long diseases and unexpected accidents. I have fear, and yet rationally I know not to be afraid. My faith, my believe in Heaven cements my resolve. But I've gone to two funerals in three months. And I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Grief fascinates me--the stone lobbed into the pond instantly followed by ripples heading out in different directions, at different speeds and varying degrees until they vanish. Maybe I should go back to school and become a therapist already. People fascinate me; their reactions, both healthy and unhealthy, both rational and irrational. I'm from a family that rallies around one another. We stop everything and go to each other. We bring food, we talk, we eat and we get through each moment until it becomes bearable on our own. (I guess that's why I can't shake these people no matter how angry I get. We always manage to be there for each other, once we get through all the dysfunction!)

The writer in me comes out and the pieces, the processes stick in my mind long after a memorial. Everyone deals with grief differently, and I want to understand it. I want to help people through it. In between realizing that you've just lost a person from your daily life you're forced to make decisions and choices not just for you but for your family as well. I've just got all these bolts of energy, these random thoughts on the subject of death of dying these days. There doesn't seem to be any closure or sense to any of it.

Somehow I get comfort knowing that none of it makes any sense at all. That it isn't supposed to. That we are created beings and death is a part of our life. But it isn't the end.

One Step Closer~

So it's just one tiny little baby kitten. That doesn't make me the crazy cat woman quite yet. (Now if we're talking about Cat Woman...I don't know Batman was a hottie--that car...that cape...he really had the whole package.) Sure I sometimes talk to her like a little baby, which she is, but I've managed not to confuse her with actually being my child. See, that's the difference right there.

I just couldn't resist that cute little face. Besides nobody likes coming home to an empty apartment, and I'm still not ready to share my space with another human being. As far as roommates go, Belle is pretty much a winner.

Desperado~

It's not exactly about "the song" regardless if we're talking about The Eagles or Seinfeld. It really has nothing to do with the rogue of the American frontier. Although all of those images pop into my mind when I think about the word. The core of the word, the part that I can't get out of my head is the despair.

There are reasons I have for pulling my head out of my ass and appreciating the life I'm living. My family, my friends are safe and healthy. My bills get paid on time, I have a roof over my head, and I am healthy. Some would even say I've gotten everything I've asked for. And yet...

Most of my life has been reality thrown in between moments of fiction. I fancy becoming a writer one day so for the sake of my art I fantasize about my life. The hypothetical is my safety. For a few years I really went out and tried living. It turns out people let you down--you let yourself down. I admit, I prefer the fictitious life that I've crafted over the years.

And yet I'm struggling again keeping everything together. I'm desperate to get it back to how it was months ago. When my life was the daydream I imagined. When I remembered the pain but I also remembered how to protect myself. Now I'm back.

And I can't shake this feeling. It actually has a real feeling, like a weight I'm forced to carry on my back. A pain that only a real wound could produce. I check myself...there is no weight, not even a scratch.

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Each day is measured in little victories. Every success is counted. But as time goes on they seem to be getting few are far between. It gets harder to get through the little stuff. It's making the real issues out of my grasp. And I'm left floundering, with that same feeling. Drowning, moments before I go under.

Manipulation~

It's nothing personal, it's just business.

No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, regardless of the methods or the incentive, it's always personal. Because once people are involved it becomes personal. No matter how you slice or dice it, someone is going to be affected. And we're all searching for the bottom line, searching to emphasize that it's just business. But we're also looking out for ourselves. We're talking care of business and "me me me" is at the top of the list.

I've been waiting for this particular fallout for years. Ever since I've been involved with this family, and definitely since I've been involved in the business. The day will come. That day is here. Shit has hit the fan.

And I'm watching everyone scramble to cover their own ass, myself included. It's amazing really, the lengths one will take to get ahead or to simply avoid the truth of the matter. I don't even know if there is a truth in this situation anymore. I've heard it from all sides and I can see how everything gets so twisted the truth may be buried forever. Accusations are being thrown around and it's become quiet clear that every one's guilty in one way or another.

Frankly, I find the whole thing hysterical; like some storyline on Young & The Restless. Sometimes I feel like the puppet master pulling the strings--letting them think I'm pliable, oh so young and naive, and they've got me on their side. I'm not easily manipulated and I've seen my share of daytime dramas unfold so really, I've learned a thing or two. And two, err--three can play at this game.

I've got my own ass covered.

As for the rest...I'll go where the wind blows

Big Girls Don't Cry~

In a strange way I feel victorious.

The pressure has been building for months now and I knew there was no way to stop it. I covered and scrambled, putting band-aids on the things I could reach and ignoring the things I couldn't. There were days I was even using the Shrek band-aids, showing the world that I was bigger than this bullshit--I was stronger--and it wouldn't happen again. But a girl can only take so much.

The walls, they came a tumblin' down.

The weekend was my chance to get it together, to keep it going for another few months. A last ditch effort to let the sun and the lake rejuvinate me--a thousand Hail-Mary's and I'm not even catholic. It almost worked too. It was peaceful finally--the entertainment was, I kid you not, watching the temperature change between the sun and the shade. It was a quiet weekend with sounds of families, earnest conversations and the water crashing into the sand.

And then reality smacked me in the face before I could even digest what had happened.

There is nothing like family to fuck up a family.

I have such a strong desire to be that perfect family, to gather around and just enjoy being together. I get lost in the desire. I get swept up in fiction. Because as hard as I try, it's not who we are. We aren't even capable. I've been fooling myself again to think things will change. It occured to me once that it may not be what the rest of my family even wants. It's my own fault for bulldozing over that thought without giving it proper respect.

I can't do it anymore. I can't be that person anymore. Here I am again, two-and-a-half years later with the same shit, different day. I am stretching myself to be the best at work, for my family, for my friends... and I don't have any time left for myself. I can't do it for everyone but me. I have to take care of myself. I thought I'd learned that lesson many times before.

The happy ending may or may not be at the end of my story.

But for now, I got back up, and for me that's something to celebrate.

I Get Up. I Walk. I Fall Down. Meanwhile, I Keep Dancing.

I have to keep going with my life. I can't stop again because I don't know if I could get going again.

Work is work, and it pays the bills.

Family, well...sometimes you just need a clean break.

Ice Ice Baby~

I feel like that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine steals David Putty's Jesus fish.

Not really so much on the whole stealing my boyfriends Jesus fish and messing with all of his preset radio stations part, but the rest.

It's the heat, my god, THE HEAT!!

In this kind of weather my patience doens't last a whole lot longer than a teenage boy in the backseat on prom night. Yeah, on a normal day I can be unruly. Add a blazing sun and no AC and you've got a situation on your hand. But I'm keeping it together. I fancy myself a little sparkler on the 4th, a fancy umbrella in the pina colada by the beach, yadda yadda yadda....

I'm finding others don't seem to have the same ability to be cool under pressure. I mean, we're all miserable, but let's not make it any worse.

What I love most about my job is that everyone, EVERYONE who works for the company got not just the 4th of July off, but the rest of the week as well. And if they so chose, they could work, and get paid double time. Except me. I'm here working away, sweating away my life more like it. And I'm getting calls from the boss, who's lounging at the lake, and she's crabby? Well I know, why don't you call me with a grocery list of things to do (most because you've forgotten you actually have a job to do, which means occasionally coming into work.) Come on now! It's your business, your life, if you're not willing to put in the time and effort...neither am I.

Seriously?!?!

F it! I'm busting out of here. I'm in need of a cold beverage of the coors light variety.

Chimney Rock~

We did it! The hike to Chimney Rock was spectacular. The hike itself was amazing. But being at the top, toasting with our mini bottles of champagne to life was more than words can say. The pictures are just an attempt to capture the feelings of the day:

Sadie Sadie, Married Lady

Mr & Mrs M.

Settlin~

"Settlin"

Fifteen minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Looking like another "maybe we could be friends"
I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time

I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah

With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will

Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world
I ain't settling for just getting by

I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time

I ain't settling for anything less than everything
I ain't settling for just getting by

I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for just getting by

I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
I ain't settling no, no, no, no, no, no

So raise the bar high

~Sugarland~

ABC's

1. A is for age: 23

2. B is for beer of choice: Coors Light

3. C is for career right now: Nanny/Office Bitch

4. D is for your dog's name? Maxx & Maggie

5. E is for essential item you use everyday: Coffee Pot

6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: The Office

7. G is for favorite game: Gin Rummy

8. H is for Home town: Priest River

9. I is for instruments you play: I play a mean tamborine

10. J is for favorite juice: cranberry, but only with vodka

11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Sean, Tiffany, Jack...

12. L is for last place you ate: wendy's

13. M is for marriage: Not completely sure how I feel about that

14. N is for your full name: Heather Kristine McGregorino

15. O is for overnight hospital stays: Nope

16. P is for people you were with today: coworkers

17. Q is for quote: Figure out who you are then do it on purpose..

18. R is for Biggest Regret: No regrets

19. S is for status: alive...healthy...a little sleepy...overall well-done ;)

20. T is for time you woke up today: 5:45 am

21. U is for underwear you have on now: these great target brand ones. I love them

22. V is for vegetable you love: Broccoli

23. W is for worst habit: not putting my clean laundry away for months at a time and letting the stacks just pile up all around my roon

24. X is for x-rays you've had: none, except any on my teeth

25. Y is for yummy food you ate today: Oatmeal Raisin Choc Chip Cookies that I made yesterday

26. Z is for the zodiac sign: Capricorn

Life is good~

The Beginning & The End~

No words can describe the kind of day it's been today.

Bittersweet comes close.

Today, after much anticipation J.T. was born. At 1:06 pm a little 7 lb 10 oz bundle of joy decided it was about dang time to meet his family. I haven't seen any pictures yet, and we're still without details beyond the basics, but simply my heart is full for what the future holds. I cannot imagine my life without my cousins in it, and now, I can't imagine family gatherings without this little baby along for all the laughs, all the memories, all the years to come. Childbirth is a miracle I never quite get used to, regardless of how often I get to be a part of it. Babies are born everyday, but the magic never seems to dissipate. For me, the miracle never becomes commonplace. I'm always at a loss, always amazed at how affected I can be by the entire process.

And while waiting for the news of little baby B, I attended the funeral of another cousin.

A person I was never personally close with, but a family member nonetheless. A special part of a family that has its share of laughter and good times spread over the years. As time goes on this particular branch of the family tree becomes too distant to gather much anymore. But anyone can feel the love, the bond they hold. I was surrounded by Reids and I could feel it deep down in my soul.

I just sat through the entire service with this gut-wrenching ache knowing I could not function without my mother. I wouldn't be able to stand up, let alone speak about the amazing woman she is to me. I can't even imagine how a family goes on.

I know all about the circle of life (I have seen the Lion King after all). But actually living it out, experiencing it from both sides; I just felt empty--drained, mentally, emotionally, physically.

And yet, I still have this little fire inside of me. This little drive to live my life, to count my blessings and always, always appreciate the ones I love.

Disconnect~

I'm looking forward to a nice glass of red wine, a hot bath and a good movie. Thank God it's Friday! In the last four hours I've won countless games of freecell and spider solitare; which I'm refusing to look at as some sort of metaphor for my life. This week has been a nice little balance of give and take. Mostly give. Some take squeezed in there, for good measure.

It all started a rainy seven days ago, with a preweek wedding planning session in central washington. Up until go time I still wasn't sure if I would be a go, but when it came right down to it I couldn't miss even a moment of planning on my sister's wedding. As much as I want to be able to wash my hands of the whole thing, I know deep down that I'm incapable of taking such drastic measures. She's getting married, and I've got to be there, cynicism aside. The weekend was a hit I suppose, for the summer will bring much in the way of weddings.

The trek over also reminded me how much I love love LOVE when the Fab4 get together-- although it was really more of a Fab 8 when adding the mothers of each duet and oh yeah, babies 1 and 2 at their respecful phases of development. I'm so excited to meet my new little baby cousins as soon as they decide to be born.

And then there's me. I'm working my ass off in an environment that is proving to be more of a challenge than I'd originally anticipated. It's not that I don't think I can do the work--it's that I know I can--and then some. I can do it in my sleep. I can get it done quickly, efficiently, and make it look like child's play. That makes me sound, in the least, bitchy, arrogant and self-centered. It's not that exactly...I mean, I've got a little bit of that, just for good measure. I choose to see it as self awareness, confidence to the supreme power.

My favorite people in the world have these huge things going on. Weddings to be planned, futures to begin, babies to be born, new families to develop. I'm choosing to thrown myself into work. I guess that's a more productive than geting wasted which is what is old Heather would do.

Because I am happy with my life and where I'm going.

Still, I just keep reminding myself that I don't need weddings or babies to be happy. I'm only 23 and I have time to do all that stuff later. I'm can be a successful adult without a spouse or kids or a picket fence completing the picture.

I don't have to turn into the crazy cat lady just yet!