Have a little faith in me....

I was finally able to nail down what's been bothering me. I've felt a little unstable, a little unsure. And, it was a relief because it has nothing to do with me actually. It's the perception of me. The image of what everyone thinks I should be doing right now. And the truth is I'm really happy right now. I can't remember a time I was happier. I love living down here in this great house, working at a job I love and hanging out being me. Now it is true I don't spend a lot of my free time hanging out with my crew. Do I even have a crew? I know I had one, and I did the entire college experience with dorm rooms and people barging in whenever they felt. And I loved it. I'm glad I had those experiences. But I'm not there anymore. I've had the metamorphis back to who I really was. I knew, for a while who I was and I was happy. And then I changed to fit the social expectations and I believe I spent the next 4 years in and out of drunken stupors, making bad choices and saying things to people that I can never take back. And I don't want to go there again. I was so insecure in who I was becoming I became this splashy teenage disaster making sure nobody tried to tell me what to do. I've been on this journey and I feel like I'm finally making the right stops, I'm finally heading in the right direction at least. But it makes me crazy having to deny the expectations that I'm not doing it the right way. I like to have down time. I don't want to go out to the bars and drink because it's not me anymore and I don't know how I can handle the pressure. I don't want to slip back into that phase of insecurities trying to prove how much I don't care and drinking myself under to prove I don't.
Aggggg...it's frustrating. I'm not a hermit. Although the whole Waldon Pond thing sounds kind of inviting. I just want to be free to be me. Hanging out with Sarah. We have fun and we are both true to who we really are. I'm tired of having to justify who I want to be. And I miss my friends but they don't live around here. So I can't run to the mall or the movies with them. And I'm okay with that right now. I just want to become me without all the pressure from people who don't really know me. Because I've got it figured out right now. I know the safe balance. And I want to focus on that.