Young'n~

Right now, Kenny Chesney's on the stereo and my little almost-three year old is totally rocking out. Cause of course he can identify with Kenny and where does the time go? "But it sure goes fast, just like that we were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue with our Rock n' roll T-shirts, and our typically bad attitudes had no excuses for the things that we'd done we were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly young" He dances on the coffee table so he can see his reflection in the tv and every now and then he shouts out a little pint size person "whoohoo."

Yeah, this is my life. This is my job. These are the moments I live for, the moments that define me.

I'm having difficulty articulating these moments. I have my life, and then I have the people in my life. The difficulty is when the people begin affecting the moments of my life negatively. Taking away from what I value. (Clearly we're having trouble with articulation. What-- is English suddenly my second language?) Maybe I should just spell it out--I'm having serious roommate trouble. And my biggest issue is that I can't seem to find the words to say it to her...The only person who really needs to hear it. We're more than roommates-- close friends almost as soon as we met--and yet now I view it as a surface level relationship. Roommates. Period.

I moved back to Spokane in February a changed person. I took some hard hits the last time I was living in Spokane; things that changed the way I interact with people. Maybe I've changed too much...maybe we've both changed and grown in opposite directions. Maybe it's all the drama, all the family stuff.

Whatever it is, it's different. I wish for nothing more than to be able to be honest without hurting her or what is left of our friendship. To be respected--my choices, my life, my decisions--and to give that back. A friendship based on honesty and support and laughter and life--without all the other bullshit.

Maybe I'm just identifying with Kenny, too "had no excuses for the things that we'd done we were brave we were crazy we were mostly young."

But now I'm grown up and those days are just memories.
Without all this bullshit it's good. But the bullshit is burying me.
And I've been down that road, and I'm choosing to take the detour while I can.

20 Hours in America~

Nothing like the rapid fire dialogue and scintillating wit of The West Wing to ignite some much needed direction for my life. There I am--couching it, after a very long weekend with the flu, hoping to accomplish nothing more than a little r'n'r when it hits me like a bad case of nausea. It's not a question of if I go back to school...no longer the meandering thoughts of what I'm going to do with my life. It's always been there; but like my shadow has a tendency to disappear on cloudy days, which seem to be the days I need it the most, when I need the reassurance, the proof I'm not just kidding myself.

I'm going back to school. I want to learn. I want to be inspired. I want to think. But it does not end there my friends, oh no it doesn't. I want to inspire others to learn and think. I want to teach.

I lost that somehow. Somewhere along the way I forgot what it was I really wanted to be doing. I got scared and I panicked. Somewhere in the crap that was Whitworth I forgot who I was.

This time away from school has let me do some deep soul searching, some real thinking. It was the school of real life, which is amazing, and has cheaper tuition! This break has let me ask the questions, and find my own answers. It has allowed me to grow stronger without the corrosive environment that Whitworth was for me. I'm a whole person now; and the journey is something I'm choosing to take, not because I'm graduating from high school and out of other options. This is my choice, and I'm extremely confident about it.

I'm so excited for this. It's gonna take a lot of hard work but I'm ready for that. It's going to take saving some serious cash, deciding what school I want to go to, and getting a job that works around school. It'll be hard, but in the end, I'll end up in a classroom, teaching about history--but inspiring, and if I can do that, then it will be a job well done. :)


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined Henry David Thoreau