Trouble in Here

I'm moving back. I say it all the time now without pausing to think about it or anything.
Part of me feels like a failure.
I don't take chances. I don't take risks. I like this part of who I am. A homebody? Sure. But it's safe and I'm okay with the rest of the shit I have to deal with because of it. Now I feel like I couldn't do it.
Now I'm feeling like I had this one opportunity to break away and I failed. I didn't even last a whole year.
And that's what my sister can't get. My happiness for her is indescribable. I've felt a surge of pride and happiness for my family like this only a few times. When she graduated college. When my bro played his last basketball game in HS. And I feel it now for her. Beyond any of those. Because I think this will carry her for the rest of her life. I think this is one of the happiest times in her life ever.
But I wasn't ready to face some of these decisions. I wasn't ready to move back to Spokane and honestly I don't know if I will be ready. I'm scared to lose my safety I've found down here, away from the things that hurt me. I don't want to hide...but I also want to be safe and I want to be ready to go back. I don't want to run away again.
I feel like I'm running away again. I feel like I moved down here because I needed to run away. I had to get away. My life depended on it. And now I'm afraid I'm just running to get away. Running because I don't like this. Because now I've lost my comfort in my own house. I'm happy for Sarah but I'm not happy here. And I'm trying, only for her. Because I owe her that little.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be the person I need to be right now. I don't know how to be the person my family needs me to be right now. I don't want to fall, I don't want to drown...
NOTHING'S WRONG
lyrics © 2002 Patrick Park

It won't be the same
I turned the lights down and
Then I hit the ground,
And even in the dark,
Lonleliness knows my name

But these eyes are strong
Because you'd never know
That anything was wrong.
I'll keep you holding on
Over and over again

There's a world of regret
Lying on my shoulders,
It's a cherry bomb
With eyes that glow,
Like two big shining stars
In a Hitchcock movie and,
My auto pilot is ready to go.

Now the mirror hurts
And everybody is gone,
And I'm an expert
At pretending that nothing's wrong.

There's no face to face
Because there's nothing tp say
I'm a million miles away
From you and yesterday

There's a world of regret
Lying on my shouders.
It's a cherry bomb
With eyes that glow,
Like two big shining stars
In a Hitchcock movie and,
My auto pilot is ready to go.