The Break Up~

If only we were dating--then it would be so much simpler. "It's not you...it's me. I'm just not ready for this type of commitment. I think we should see other people."

There is no easy way out of this one. It's going to end up all messy and uncomfortable. Is there protocol for "breaking up" with a roommate? Is there some way I can let her down gently? Let's add insult to injury--she's not just my roommate--she's the soon to be sister-in-law to my sister. Damn. Talk about all tied up and connected: her brother is marrying my sister. I can't just ditch her and move on with my life. There's gonna be weddings, nieces and nephews, Christmas dinners and birthday parties.

Messy or not--I'm ready for splitsville. I suppose I have to do it proper--no text messages, emails or notes. This is going to be a face to face battle. One I'm not sure I'm ready for, but hell, beats the alternative. I've given it the ol' college try. I made up my mind we could be friends like we used to, go back to the good times. It took less than an hour of speaking to make me realize that ship has sailed.

I'm at the point I don't even want to be around her. I don't want to talk. I don't want to share my life. I want no opinions about anything from her, ever again. At the same time I want to keep the value in what used to be our friendship. It wasn't a small thing to me, now or ever, but it's not the same and it never will be. I have always been a good, supporting friend; it's the reciprocation that's missing. I don't feel respected--my space, my decisions, my posessions. I want to be civil and honest; I don't want to burn bridges my family'll be crossing in the future. Living with her each day is making the end that much worse. I'm getting angrier and it's going to be ugly unless I get out of her asap!

There are times I just want to be honest and remind her she's a huge pain in the ass. Loudly. With a lot of expletives. Remind her she doesn't have all the life experience she thinks she has. Remind her the baby princess is just a fantasy, and it's over now. Mostly I just want her to butt out of my life.

Sure, there are going to be weddings, nieces and nephews, Christmas dinners and birthday parties. But I can suck it up and deal, because to be completely honest--it's not me--it's her!

Don't Save it all for Christmas Day~

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

I love every holiday be it Valentine’s Day, or Easter, or Independence Day, or Arbor Day. We're at the threshold of this holiday season and it's nothing short of magic to me. I love these few months because it’s just a huge wave of what I love best about life--something special to celebrate every few weeks. And it stretches out, letting you celebrate for days and nights and weeks with those you love. Yes, for some the holidays are depressing-- they’re just lucky to survive the whole mess. But for me…this is the heart of who I really am; it is my heart and sole.

Honestly I'm not really at the threshold of the holiday season--I knocked, and walked right into the foyer without so much as an invitation. Why wait? Why not celebrate thanks and goodwill toward mankind? I'm no dummy--I've checked a calendar and I know exactly where we are today. November 17th..."Not even Thanksgiving, yet!" Does that mean I cannot be happy...does that mean I can't celebrate?

To some I'm glossing over supposed important events. I'm a gal on a tight budget--when I find that special something, on sale! I'm going to go ahead and get it. I know, it's not even Thanksgiving, I should be waiting for it to go back to full price! (It really must be horrifying to see somebody celebrating friends and family by buying things for them) For the oh-so-observant one, yeah, I've wrapped it too...cause hey, if you noticed the gifts, woundn't you have wandered upon your own? I like to keep a surprise, and when did my actions become up for debate? You're lucky I'm not taking yours back!

I'm 22, on the verge of 23, and yes, that is still technically on the young side. However, if I had to put a number on it I feel more 36 in my heart of hearts. Whether I'm 23, or 36 or 94 I don't need your help on how or when to celebrate. I suppose this is why the holiday's get so depressing. I've got a grinch for a roommate, determined to spoil my holiday cheer. Well newsflash: I like Christmas music and I've yet to see the crime in listening to songs about the birth of Christ before Thanksgiving. I've never seen a timeline on a cd or a experation date on music.

Let's be real, I'm not getting a Christmas tree in August, and I like to give props to each holiday--no need for the holidays to start acting like rivaling siblings. But give me a break...let me do my thing. Keep your mouth shut and let me rejoice. This is a beautiful time of year--the most wonderful time of the year to be exact.

Nights spent in front of the fire watching the snow fall. Hot cider, popcorn, blankets and pjs watching movies all night. Wrapping presents and singing along with the stereo. Family togetherness--playing poker, cracking jokes, gingerbread house contests--creating memories to talk about when things get hard, when life gets to be too much.

I don't need a calendar to tell me when to celebrate. I don't need a roommate to tell me when to get excited. This is who I am. These moments bring back memories of waiting for santa, (shocked the night he showed up before we were asleep and I dashed into bed, knowing, believing in a little magic) family dinners, childhood joy.

Life is hard enough, let's just take some time to enjoy it. Let the season take you away...back to the magic of childhood, before deadlines and bills and that pesky 9-5.

Sadie, Sadie~

Married Lady--my sis' gettin hitched!

The call we've been waiting to get, for months it seems, was finally made! Sarah and Matt are engaged! She's giddy, which is to be expected, and so darn cute--taking the ring out shopping, to see how it looks pushing a cart--naturally. As soon as we get to see her (only 6 more days!) I'm sure we'll need sunglasses lest we be blinded by the glow that has enveloped her, not to mention all that bling!

Now we get to partake in all those girly rituals that we've all pretended disgusted us for our entire lives. The fantasy and all it's magic has come true. Love and all that other nonsense. Bring on the brides magazines, bring on dresses, the cake, the champagne, showers and gifts. Bring on flowers and romantic ceremonies and to have and to hold, for the rest of our lives.

Wow. I'm getting all weepy just thinking about it. Nobody deserves happiness more than my sister. She is generous, giving and she deserves nothing but the best. Which Matt will give her, he'll make all her dreams come true...or he'll run and hide.

Maybe I am a cynic. Maybe I am trying not to get too carried away. Self preservation? This is the fantasy--love, marriage, family--the key to happiness. Who am I kidding? I know nothing about relationships. I know nothing about love; unless we're counting bad relationships...taking the opposite of my own experiences brings me closest to what love should be.

I'm going to put on my happy face. Because she is my sister and I love her. And because marriage is hard enough, planning a wedding is hard enough. I'll support all her decisions--to elope, to hit up a justice of the peace, or a huge gaudy, splashy ceremony--whatever she chooses, I'll stand beside her. I'll remind her she's the most beautiful woman in the world and she's got a wonderful life ahead of her.

And that this is her day, but it is just the beginning...

The Thrill of Victory~

Oh baby! I'm in love!

In love with the good ol American democratic system. I'm in love with the ability to express my voice. I'm in love with checks and balances. I'm in love with the Constitution. I'm in love with politics and the passion, the challenges, the dedication of making it work.

I'm in love--with a donkey. Or rather, the entire democratic party and every person in it. Oh I can hear it now...Kool and the Gang "Celebration"... U2 "It's a Beautiful Day." It is a beautiful day and surely one to celebrate. Have I mentioned how much I love Montana? Virginia? Well I do. And not just the final two...I love all 51 seats. I love each senator and representative. (Well, I'm all for sharing the love, but that may be taking it a bit far...)

The Dems, we've got it. The thrill of victory!! The Senate and the House, no really, we couldn't. Oh, wait--yeah, we'll take 'em both. We've been given two years and we can make it better.

I mean, I'm no stranger to the agony of defeat. 2004? Yeah, lets recap: Barbieri--lost. Dolan--lost. Kerry--oh, yeah, major unsettling, defeat. I knocked on doors, I walked in parades, I handed out pamphlets with a mega-watt smile. I answered phones and waved signs. I sported the bumper stickers and even got a Young Dems on Whitworth campus.

And what did it get me--yeah, I remember that pit in my stomach, the agony of defeat.

So it is with tremedous joy that I celebrate this election, these victories. Because I remember, oh do I remember what it's like. And now is my time to rejoice. Those poor republicans with their sex scandals and all the drama; if I were Rumsfeld I would get the hell out too! Now we have the chance to bring about change actually benefiting real, everyday Americans.

Sure, I'm giddy...I catch myself smiling, I've noticed a little spring in my step that hasn't been there for some time. And I can't help but laugh at the excuses I'm hearing from some solid GOPers: "The Dems are just about money....they are so narrow minded." Puh--leez! This from someone who is a republican because of one issue: abortion. And let's remember that both parties love money...the difference is where the money goes and who benefits.

I believe in the value of the American people. (Not to confuse my values as the only values.) I am a Christian. I am an American. I am a democrat.

And I'll be dancing all the way to 2008!

The Nanny Diaries~

I am the nanny. I am not the mother. I am the nanny. I am not the mother.

My job is a dream. I get all the fun, all the play, all the special moments. I get days spent in sweat pants and messy ponytails; baking cookies, reading books, and taking trips to the park. I get paid to play, to craft, to be a stay at home momma without any of the responsibilities. I don't have to clean the house, or even pay for the house. I don't shop for the groceries, clean the pool or mow the lawn. I get all the glory--without any of the guts. I get to leave at the end of the day, and go home to my own life.

Not. So. Fast.

Sometimes it's all tantrums, fights and puke. It's not eating anything and spilling everything. Lately--it's the screaming. Shrill, piercing screamfests lasting upwards of 45 minutes. It's kicking, crying, and thrashing everything in sight. But these are not the normal trantrums--which I can handle. This has something behind it. Something boiling beneath the surface that she's expressing the only way she knows how.

This job follows me home. This job--these children, this family--follows me everywhere. They are in my heart, they are in my mind. These screams, those moments of inconsolable pain break my heart. I walk a fine line, balancing what I do and say within the boundaries of who I am: I am the nanny. I am not the mother. Although we do have a great relationship, a unique balance of employee and member of the family, a solid trust built on open communication. But I cannot say what I think right now--which will be taken the wrong way, taken that I think she is a bad mother.

I don't want to be the mother. I like what I do, and I like my role. I like leaving at the end of the day. But there are days--days I feel I have a better idea of what's happening. I can be there, and yet be removed. These are not my kids, this is not my marriage. I can see inside of the box and outside of the box. I'm there handling it most days and I can see something else. Something she's missing.

I can see a mother working her ass off at home and at work to have the perfect family. I see a mother whose hormone levels are all over the place on a normal day, never mind when she's 5 months pregnant. Oh, yes and all the changes going on in the house to make way for Baby. All the changes in the family for the new arrival. As the belly gets bigger the changes are something nobody can ignore, especially the 4-year old who is too smart for her own good.

I love my job and I love these kids. I want to help them, and I want to help this family.
I just don't know how to do that yet...