It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown....

That's my lesson. Summed up by one incredible song that I can dance to and think to and just be to. It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown. The thing is I already tried that. I tried to teach myself to swim for years, everytime I started to drown. Everytime I was lost at sea I tried to save myself. This spring I couldn't. I did drown. And now I have a second chance. A second chance at life. Somehow I survived it. And it changed me. And I have trouble expecting people to know me now. It's before and after for me...yeah, I have the same core...but I'm different. And I'm trying to explain it, trying to accept it myself. I'm different now. I sat at the bottom and looked up at my life. And I didn't have the power to save myself. I had to get help. And I did. I got the help, and I made some scary choices and I moved away. And I got better. I learned to swim. But I'm not safe and I don't know if I ever will be completely safe. I'm trying to be okay without putting expectations on anyone else. I'm struggling right now to keep swimming but I'm afraid I could lose what I built right now. I'm afraid I am going to lose my safety and that I could drown again. I need to be okay all by myself...and I'm working everyday. I'm trying to prepare myself for the changes...I'm trying to get ready so that I am prepared and I don't need anyone to save me. I'm trying to save myself. It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down...so I'm just trying to grab anything I can right now without putting this on anyone else. I don't want to be saved again. I want to do it myself. I don't want it to happen at all...so I'm making a preemptive strike I guess. I'm taking lessons and I'm asking questions because I don't want to be blindsided again.