Trouble in Here

I'm moving back. I say it all the time now without pausing to think about it or anything.
Part of me feels like a failure.
I don't take chances. I don't take risks. I like this part of who I am. A homebody? Sure. But it's safe and I'm okay with the rest of the shit I have to deal with because of it. Now I feel like I couldn't do it.
Now I'm feeling like I had this one opportunity to break away and I failed. I didn't even last a whole year.
And that's what my sister can't get. My happiness for her is indescribable. I've felt a surge of pride and happiness for my family like this only a few times. When she graduated college. When my bro played his last basketball game in HS. And I feel it now for her. Beyond any of those. Because I think this will carry her for the rest of her life. I think this is one of the happiest times in her life ever.
But I wasn't ready to face some of these decisions. I wasn't ready to move back to Spokane and honestly I don't know if I will be ready. I'm scared to lose my safety I've found down here, away from the things that hurt me. I don't want to hide...but I also want to be safe and I want to be ready to go back. I don't want to run away again.
I feel like I'm running away again. I feel like I moved down here because I needed to run away. I had to get away. My life depended on it. And now I'm afraid I'm just running to get away. Running because I don't like this. Because now I've lost my comfort in my own house. I'm happy for Sarah but I'm not happy here. And I'm trying, only for her. Because I owe her that little.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be the person I need to be right now. I don't know how to be the person my family needs me to be right now. I don't want to fall, I don't want to drown...
NOTHING'S WRONG
lyrics © 2002 Patrick Park

It won't be the same
I turned the lights down and
Then I hit the ground,
And even in the dark,
Lonleliness knows my name

But these eyes are strong
Because you'd never know
That anything was wrong.
I'll keep you holding on
Over and over again

There's a world of regret
Lying on my shoulders,
It's a cherry bomb
With eyes that glow,
Like two big shining stars
In a Hitchcock movie and,
My auto pilot is ready to go.

Now the mirror hurts
And everybody is gone,
And I'm an expert
At pretending that nothing's wrong.

There's no face to face
Because there's nothing tp say
I'm a million miles away
From you and yesterday

There's a world of regret
Lying on my shouders.
It's a cherry bomb
With eyes that glow,
Like two big shining stars
In a Hitchcock movie and,
My auto pilot is ready to go.

Realization

It just hit me. This is how I've been feeling. This is how I was feeling for a long time. This is how people made me feel. Like I'd be forgotten. Like I wasn't valued. And I gave up so much so that they wouldn't forget me. It makes me sad to hear this now. It makes me hurt to read these words and know that I let someone make me feel this way. That I thought this little of myself. That I just wanted to be remembered. This is what I had been trying to say for so long. I couldn't get the words out. They got so confused with love and sex and anger and pain and forgiveness and hope and hurt. And I clung on because I knew eventually I would walk away. And once I walked away the whole thing would be over. And I would be forgotten. And even now, I'm hurt by that. I'm hurt by the fact that something that meant so much to me could me so little to someone else.

Way Out West~Don't Forget Me

There’s just one thing that I need to say
Before I close my eyes and walk away
There’s just one thing that I need to feel
Before I walk away against my will

There’s just one thing that I need to hear
Before I walk away for the last time
There’s just one thing that I need to see
Before I take this chance and set us free

Don’t forget me
Don’t regret me
Don’t suspend me
Don’t neglect me

The memory of this still reminds me of you
The memory of this still reminds
The memory of this still reminds me of you
And that is where you’ll find me

Stars in your eyes
Did you take the time to realize

Can you count the stars in your eyes?
Did you take the time to realize?

There’s just one thing that I need to say
Before I walk away
There’s just one thing that I need to feel
Before I walk away against my will

Don’t forget me
Don’t regret me
The memory of this still reminds me of you
Don’t suspend me
The memory of this still reminds me
Don’t neglect me
The memory of this still reminds me of you

The memory of this still reminds me
Stars in your eyes
Did you take the time to realize?

It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown....

That's my lesson. Summed up by one incredible song that I can dance to and think to and just be to. It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown. The thing is I already tried that. I tried to teach myself to swim for years, everytime I started to drown. Everytime I was lost at sea I tried to save myself. This spring I couldn't. I did drown. And now I have a second chance. A second chance at life. Somehow I survived it. And it changed me. And I have trouble expecting people to know me now. It's before and after for me...yeah, I have the same core...but I'm different. And I'm trying to explain it, trying to accept it myself. I'm different now. I sat at the bottom and looked up at my life. And I didn't have the power to save myself. I had to get help. And I did. I got the help, and I made some scary choices and I moved away. And I got better. I learned to swim. But I'm not safe and I don't know if I ever will be completely safe. I'm trying to be okay without putting expectations on anyone else. I'm struggling right now to keep swimming but I'm afraid I could lose what I built right now. I'm afraid I am going to lose my safety and that I could drown again. I need to be okay all by myself...and I'm working everyday. I'm trying to prepare myself for the changes...I'm trying to get ready so that I am prepared and I don't need anyone to save me. I'm trying to save myself. It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down...so I'm just trying to grab anything I can right now without putting this on anyone else. I don't want to be saved again. I want to do it myself. I don't want it to happen at all...so I'm making a preemptive strike I guess. I'm taking lessons and I'm asking questions because I don't want to be blindsided again.

Country Girl

It's a great day...a great day to be alive. I'm just a simple country girl...easy to please. Havin some fun and livin some life! A little country music, cold weather, peppermint mochas and payday! I couln't ask for anything more. I've been more in a downer mood...reflective, quiet. And now...now I just wanna dance. I got to go home and be with my family. I got to hang out with Emily and Heidi (which is always awesome...but especially since I haven't seen Emily since before she went to Argentina) It has been a great week. Having lots of fun at work...getting to chill and live a life that I'm happy and proud to be living. I'm excited for what's next.

"Easy Money" Brad Paisley

I remember working on a rooftop
In the hot summer sun all day
Now I work two hours a night
It feels a lot more like play

'Fore Kenny joined the band
He used to hang dry wall
Ben worked down at Valentino's
So when you see us up here and think
Man they're lucky
You don't have to tell us 'cause we know

[Chorus]
Yeah, we're laughing all the way to the bank
'Cause it all just seems so funny
A bunch of guys like us
In a big tour bus
Making that easy money

Desperado hauled cattle
Grady drove trucks
Justin had a hot dog stand
Kevin sold records
And Brent sold shoes
And Gary was a garbage man

[Repeat chorus]

I used to have an ex-girlfriend
That didn't understand
She said boy you're going nowhere fast
You oughta get a real job
Why don't you quit that band
Now she can kiss my backstage pass

[Repeat chorus 2x]