Happy Halloween Part 2~

Some of my favorite Halloween costumes from years past:
1. Snow White. Ah yes, to be in first grade again...
2. A Pixie. And I actually donned this baby a couple times.
3. The Ace of Spades. This was my last year of trick-or-treating. There I was out with my little brother the Indian getting candy up the wazzu and what do we see--my friends out and about causing a little All Hallows Mischief. I swear I still remember exactly how I paused, tilted my head and asked myself "Am I too old to be doing this?" It was like the 5th grade, maybe 6th...okay, maybe I was too old.
4. The Gypsy. This was great. Actually we were two gypsies, my sister and I, with our flowing jammies, some false eyelashes, and definitely lots of glitter!
5. Reminds me of the time we were a Two Headed Monster (Person). This was a cast-off from my sister, sweat pants with three legs, a shirt big enough for two...except the monster thing got lost as we didn't have any masks...so it was just a couple girls in a big t-shirt and effed up pants. We missed the lame factor in the whole thing and had fun.
6. Oh, yes and the Eeyore debacle I let my mother and sister convince me of. They as educators knew the smart investment in Tigger and Pooh. And they suckered me in on it. Sure the kiddies at the elementary school dig on it. The blasted thing is hot as hell.

Happy Halloween~

Typically I'm not big on Halloween...but I'm big on celebrating in general so this year I thought why cheat myself out of another reason to celebrate? (Cheating myself out of anything I enjoy is just not fair, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!) Actually, thinking about it I kind of take that back. I do like Hallowee--I don't like the sluttiness factor. If I was going to dress up in a costume, I go for funny or cute. Which has been hard to pull off the last decade of my life where slutty has been the key description for an "acceptable" costume. **I digress...I could go on a real tangent about those who look forward to dressing up slutty on Halloween...**

Okay, so I'm ready now. Sure the costume thing would have been fun. I could always bust out eeyore but really since Pooh is in Kennewick and Tigger is in P-town I'd just be as depressing as Eeyore is akin to, and I don't want to subject anyone to that on a howl-i-day! I've carved the pumpkin, I've stocked the candy dish, I've watched The Great Pumpkin...and now I'm ready...

Ready for what I'm not exactly sure. No costume=no trick or treating. No kids=no trick or treating. Apartment=no trick or treating. Crap! This sucks! The kids don't celebrate. I get it. I really get your views on Halloween, witches, satan, etc... But I'm not worshipping satan by dressing up as a Cleopatra. Similarly I don't worship baseball by participating in the game. That's a dumb analogy but I'm cranky. I'm crabby now that I'll have to settle for drinking pumpkin beer and eating the candy by myself and watching Charlie Brown again.

Damn it!

It's The Great Pumpkin~

My View~

The tree outside my living room/balcony gets much appreciation from me. All spring, summer and fall she acts as a little curtain, giving me privacy on a cul-de-sac full of apartments. Not-to-mention the fact that sometimes I can forget I live in the city and sit out with a beer and just relax fooling myself to "feel" country until the sound of sirens jolts me back to reality. Anyways, my tree...I love that tree. And she's been so pretty...so fall like. We went from a Monday of this...

To this! Seriously in one weekend. Sure this is late October and there was a lot of wind... But still! I was quite shocked, and saddened to see the leaves fall!

Full Moon

Lost Cause~

It took talking with my sister on the phone last night to realize this entire week has been a bad week. :( And things aren't looking up for today or tomorrow either, because well it's the bottom of the ninth, with a full count, and it's a little late to change my strategy. **Side note, I don't usually watch baseball on TV, except the world's series, and what the hell kind of game was that last night?! Anyways, yes it took talking to my sarah to realize that I was in a bad mood. She called because she was in a bad mood. I guess we like to do these things together. Possibly, this synced mood is because the last two weekends we got to spent together :) and now we've been apart all week and we'll be apart for another 20 days :( Yes, we are very close.

Anyways, I am crabby. I am unproductive. I've possibly done the least amount of work possible and yet the hours keep passing and I only have to survive 1.5 more days until the blessed weekend! I catch myself asking myself "Self--what the hell have you done this week?" And the answer is sadly, not much. Part of the problem is I don't function well with too much time. I'm a procrastinator, I'm a time-waster. It's a tricky balance, something I learned about myself in college. When I've got a long list I hit it, I get shit done and manage my time. When I have just a few things to get done I just can't force myself to do it. It can take 6 hours to do all the things that could get done in one hour. But my problem is if you finish it all in the first hour, how do you have any motivation to do anything but stare at the clock and wait for 5 o'clock? So I spread it out...I check my email, I make a cup of tea...I pace myself so I get it all done just in time. I know...pathetic!

This week started off poorly. I have no amaretto for my coffee (not the liquor, the coffee creamer...although the liquor might help) and I've been forced to use my second choice every day! I have not been in the right frame of mind ever since. Monday morning wardrobe was more akin to a Friday outfit and it got me started on the wrong foot. Which is tricky now that the office is at the house. Because I see work and I know what needs to be done...but also, for years I've come to house in sweats and a ponytail to play with kids all day. And when I'm sitting down here listening to the kids playing and screaming and just being kids part of me goes off to be there doing the nanny thing again, crafting and going to the library and other such merryment all while sitting at my desk answering the phone on the rare occasion it decided to ring. **We need more jobs. For my sanity, we need more work! Please, it's not like people don't need plumbing. Hello?!?!

Anyways I'm very very crabby. Maybe it's pms. Maybe it's other stuff. I need to get back on my exercise regime. I've actually entertained the thought of running in the morning. Whoa! Crazy talk. But I need something because I'm just sitting around feeling ugly, feeling I need a change with my hair, but growing it out takes time...and generally feeling crappy about myself. Which I hate. Because somewhere in my life I learned that I have to take care of me, I have to love myself, and know that I am beautiful. And most days I know it...believe me I know it. But this week...ugghh!

I've completely planned out my weekend. Sweats. Couch. Sex & the City/Gilmore Girls (haven't decided completely yet, maybe I'll switch back and forth) marathon. I might not even shower all weekend! Oh, and I need to carve my pumpkins!! :) And I have to watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. Busy busy....

In a Word (or more)

1. Yourself: moxie
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): unknown
3. Your hair: varies
4. Your mother: amazing
5. Your father: inconsiderate
6. Your Favorite Item: books
7. Your dream last night: baby
8. Your Favorite drink: coffee
9. Your Dream Car: land rover
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your Ex: offensive
12. Your fear: death
13. What you want to be in 10 years? mother
14. Who you hung out with last night? tww
15. What You’re Not: indifferent
16. Muffins: sure
17. One of Your Wish List Items: coffee table
18. Time: morning
19. The Last Thing You Did: faxed
20. What You Are Wearing: khakis
21. Your Favorite Weather: rainy
22. Your Favorite Book: Mockingbird
23. The Last Thing You Ate: scone
24. Your Life: swell
25. Your Mood: happy
26. Your best friend: sarah
27. What are you thinking about right now? 5 o'clock
28. Your car: sunfire
29. What are you doing at the moment? working
30. Your summer: busy!
31. Your relationship status: single
32. What is on your TV? nothing
33. What is the weather like? sunny
34. When is the last time you laughed? last night

Falling~

It's no wonder I have a hard time working; sure I can stare at a computer screen all day, or I can gaze out the window and let my mind wander with possibilities. I usually choose the latter. There's something about the fall that always ignites my creative side. It's a combination of the vibrancy, the colors more alive to me than all year long; the crisp fresh scent of morning and the romantic way the fog surrounds you only to burn off in mid-afternoon leaving a sunlit paradise.

This is the scene I've played over and over in mind. The cabin by the lake, smoke coming out of the chimney, leaves falling to the ground in a delicate harmony. The author inside with a cup of hot tea and ideas filling the pages as the characters come to life. Here is a place of quiet, a place of solitude, a peaceful deliverance from ordinary life. Because there are thoughts, there are ideas and they flow like spring runoff into one another and it makes something beautiful.

Leaves~

Work= Work Stuff = Venting~

supposebly???
Supposebly!?!
SUPPOSEBLY!

Earlier this year with the impending move of my roommate, and the soon to follow rent check I had to cover all by my lonesome, I asked my bosses for more hours. Actually I didn't ask rather I applied for a couple other second jobs. When of course these interested employers called by current employers a little shit hit the fan. See I am their bitch, and as such they prefer to keep me to themselves. Hence the gift of working one job with enough hours to cover the bills. Perfect.

Except being the nanny 40+ hours wasn't quite practical. With the arrival of baby L any day now Mom was going to be home more, leaving me again with few options. Now, lucky for all of us Mr & Mrs Boss, happen to have a commercial plumbing business with Mrs. Boss's Father Boss. Lucky for me, that's where I was able to recoup the additional 30 hours and work a few 10-20 with the kids. $$$=bills paid=happy me!

Okay, so fast forward about 11 months and that's where we find ourselves. The past 11 months has seen one office manager quit, and one get fired, moving me from material coordinator to payroll administrator to my now official title of office manager. And I get the whole office to myself. I can do the job and do it well and this is without much training. Most of it was a troubleshooting nightmare of many trials and errors with some guessing thrown in there for good measure. Now don't let the college dropout stigma fool you, I'm one bright chick. So most of this was no problem for me, sure I faced some challenges, but got it all figured out.

The problem happens to come when the trio of bosses forgets that I now run the office, and still sees me as the college girl who "babysits" the kids. (For the millionth time there is a big difference in babysitter and nanny!) When they act so chagrined, so shocked and chagrined when I do something well--not to mention the fact they don't know what chagrined means. When they are so impressed by a simple letter I can write, or an email that is so professional they nearly collapse out of their chairs. It's not that I am Miss Office; it's what they make up for in money, they lack in intelligence (so hurtful today, and yet so honest).

**Warning: Major Vent Session to Commence**

When I discover that a letter or email has been sent without knowledge--or proofing--the headache begins. I have no problem checking emails, letters and please, please, please let me check proposals and legal documents. LET ME DO MY JOB! PLEASE?! I'll correct the grammar. I'll correct the spelling. I know when you type their you really meant there or when you say are you really mean our and I'll fix it for you. Because it's embarrassing to read it later knowing these are the people responsible in giving us another job, these are people we want to be able to bargain with, some times over great deals of money, and yet when they hear you say "SUPPOSEBLY?!" all I can do is cringe.

Supposedly-- Pronunciation[suh-poh-zid-lee]

What really gets me is that most of the time shit hits the fan it's because of a simple mistake which is so easy to blame on "the babysitter now running the office." Like sure blame the girl doing payroll when some body's check is wrong. Yeah, because silly me, I figure when I get the time cards, they're right. I figure I don't need to call and double check with you. Because really what I like to do is go through the time sheets and just erase shit. Yeah, that's right, it's my own little passive-aggressive secret behavior. Or not. How about this if you don't write the correct time on the time sheets then your guys won't get paid correctly. You forget to write down mileage, again, the guys don't get their money. And I know for a fact that after enough people complain Mr. S will start double checking his time sheets. And that's my own little passive-aggressive behavior.

Sure, bitch about the girl who didn't pay the water bill when the water gets shut off. Yeah, because it's fun for me too when the water goes missing from the faucet and I can't pee because the little water problem creates a little toilet flushing problem as well. Or maybe there wasn't any money to pay the damn water bill and I had no choice.

*Venting Over*

Yes, I do in fact love my job. I do like my bosses (for the most part, really I consider T to be one of my good friends). But c'mon guys let's learn to use spell check. Let's learn to double check our time sheets. And for that, I'll be extra nice...maybe make some cookies or something equally fabulous!

We Used to Be Friends~

I am a bad friend. I do not do well with friends. It's hard for me. Actually it's not just friends, it's family too. People are hard for me. It's funny because to be completely honest I would say I am a great friend. I would also say I work hard for my friends and my family. Then why the disconnect? That is the magical question I guess.

It was only a year ago that these same problems were happening with Roommate. She and I were like those magnets that just won't go together. (Scientific speak, clarity, those are my strengths....) Okay well yes we went through some hard times. The roommate thing wasn't working out for us. The becoming part of each others families wasn't a walk in the park either. I saw parts of her, and knew parts of her she never would have shared with me. Some I'm not sure if she knows I know. A family is so intimate and now I would be privileged to hers. Scary. On both sides. So yeah, we were dealing with a lot of growing pains. Which I feel all relationships must go through.

The thing is I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore. That may have been a little harsh. But the truth was, we'd been living together, we'd been best friends and it's not really who we are. We lived a crazy time in our lives together, we survived Whitworth together. And I don't know, any other college we might not have been friends. I don't really think that's true. But we definitely bonded at whitworth because we were both from the outside. We wanted to be on the outside. And from there we had enough in common to form a united front. But outside the "pine cone curtain" we didn't really quite mesh as BFF. And I feel better about things now. We're friends. We'll be there for each other when needed. We have the occasional email, the phone calls now and then, and we see each other a couple times a year. It's good for me.

Okay so here we are a year later with Heidi.... mmmm.....For me it's never been a great friendship. It's always been so much damn effort. I know how selfish that sounds. But from the moment I met her I felt like she needed a mother figure and that's who I became for her. A role I didn't really want to fill. And over the years it's gotten worse...because I've felt trapped. I don't necessarily want to protect her, but I don't feel I can be honest with her either. She's so naive...so narrow minded in the scheme of the whole world. I mean she just doesn't get her place in space. That yes, there are so many more people better off than you...but there are also so many more who would be so happy to have what she has. Security, for one. I know it's great to be "self sufficient", but when your parents pay your credit card every month I don't want you prying into my finances or talking about how hard it is on your own. Puuhhhlease.

And I did what I've been known to do....I let it fester and fester until there was nothing to do but cut it off. So that's what I did. It's what I do. My high school friends. My college friends. Because I'm not in the market for a BFF, I never have been. I have a sister and she is my best friend forever and ever. We are a packaged deal. I like her to be a part of my life. These other friends have never quite got that. And sometimes it feels like I'm betraying her which I know I'm not...but the thing is we've been through everything together. We just get it. And we don't need to explain, or excuse. We can just be. It's an amazing gift, to have a sister, to have someone like that in your life. For me, I accept no substitutions.

The Heidi thing feels like a break up. Oh yeah, I've had the break-up, it's not you it's me routine with friends before. And basically the friendship began to feel like a relationship with all it's expectations and in a if-you-are-too-busy-for-me-i'll-be-pissed-way. I wanted to yell and be like I don't owe you anything. If I don't answer my phone you cannot get mad at me. You cannot get mad at me when I work late, when I hang out with T, or when I do any of the other things that are uniquely me. Now you can get mad when I cancel plans with you, or if I'm rude, or if I'm directly involving you. But as for the rest of my life--it's off limits. And that is the disconnect right there. She didn't get the boundaries that are uniquely me. I should have spoken up, but these are things I felt are unspoken.

So here we are. I found myself in a rage after the last visit. After her birthday, after she opened gifts galore from me and then bitched about how lame the night was. Seriously?! Rude! I was not in the mood for a birthday party--but I pushed those feelings down, open for whatever she wanted to do that night. That was really the last straw. Don't come into my house and crap all over me. Thank you very much. Don't bring me down because something is bringing you down.

So the rage passed but the anger stayed. I was frustrated with myself for not speaking up about this. Because I pride myself on my honesty. So I let the rage guide the keys and I fired off a very tame (considering I've been known to let the words fly like daggers) and honest email. And that's that. Will we be friends again? I don't know, is this an after school special or sesame street kind of moment? Maybe.

Do I care either way? Actually no. Sure it seems my friends are dropping like flies (helping my cell phone bill, btw) but it doesn't matter because that's not what defines me. I'm okay without a packed social calender. I'm okay with me; and those friends and family (thanks dad...) who make you question your self esteem, question who you are, are definitly not worth it.

October Rain~

If people could be colors today this would be me. Nothing too splashy. But a little excitement, a splash of color in the otherwise gray and drizzling background. This morning I traded my much loved and valued sleep for an early morning. Sure I had to get to work early and I wasn't sure I could quite pull it off. So I forced myself to think about how early I had to be up at 'em, how much time I needed and tricked myself into even less sleep and heard the screams of the alarm going off at 5 am.


But a strange thing happened on my walk to the coffee pot. Instead of my typical groggy walk I had a little spring in my step, and I noticed a little smile before I could stop myself. What had happened to my normal grouchy morning routine? And who had replaced my cynical outlook on life and traded it with this....this gleeful girl? I decided to roll with it....and found myself at Starbucks enjoying a Pumpkin latte (who cares about calories anyway?) and my book.

People were rushing in and out on the way to their busy days and I got the chance to just sit, sip and daydream about life. Ponder who these people really were and where they were headed off to with their caffeine. My time passed too quickly and soon I had to wake from this real-life dream and go to work.

But not before getting just one more cup of coffee for the road...