Birthday Girl~

I remember it like it was last night. And I'm absolutely stunned it's already one year later. How did we already cram one year of life into these last few blinks of an eye? It's been so amazing, such a gift to be part of her world for not only her first year, but her first 21 months as I got to be lucky enough to experience the cycle from the moment The X's knew they'd be a mom and dad to #3! And I suspect the year has crept up on me like it did because of the tremendous way it started.

It was a cold dark February 27th and I was done with work for the day. It had been a crappy day and I was feeling cranky and irritated. As I packed up and headed to my car I did a very uncharacteristic thing. I turned off my cell phone--okay to silent, baby steps--and drove. And drove. I was in a mood and didn't want to speak with anybody about anything. Me being me, the phone was only absent from my aura for about an hour before I had to check in with reality.

5 missed calls! 5 missed calls from (a 9-months prego) Mrs X. I called her back as fast as humanly possible the whole time my mind racing with it'stimeit'stimeit'stime.... It was not time. It was a carmergency, hers being deaddeaddead in the parking lot of Costco with two little kids in their car-seats scared because it was cold and dark, and they knew mom couldn't fix this and make it better. At least not on her own. Oh and they were hungry. Figures. So I zipped over to Costco as fast as I could...(of course tonight had to be the night I was driving aimlessly taking me further from my own hood than I routinely go.) And in my maniac attempt to get there faster I take a short cut. Go on universe, laugh away.

RIIINNNNGGGG. As I'm recklessly driving my cell phone rings again and it's the man who's delivering my new $50 couch--hello buddy, today is Tuesday, Tuesday!! Remember when we set up the couch delivery for Wednesday! That's right, I do. Today is not that day, and what do you mean you are sitting in the parking lot of my apartment right now? Shit. Shit. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Costco. Check. Black Denali. Check. Swap car-seats into my car. Check. Grab kids. Check. Drive to apartment fast fast fast. Check. Hello delivery man--what do you mean, help you haul this couch up to my third floor apartment with these two kids in tow?!? Are you crazy, there was supposed to be two of you doing this, thus half of the appeal of the $50 couch with free delivery. Fuck this is heavy. Why did I choose the third floor? And no there is no room to really put this thing once I get it up here as that's what I was planning to do tonight, the night before you were supposed to be here. Fuck. Just set it anywhere I've got kids to feed man.

Rotisserie Chicken. Check. Greenbeans. Check. Jello. Check. Quite a dinner, but I was impressed on such short notice I had anything to feed anyone, let alone these kids. Fed kids. Check. RIIINNNGGGGG. Mom got a ride home. Car's future unknown. Kids can come home now. Pack up, head out. Driving again....wait, what's that. Is that a truck off the side of the road? This doesn't look like some highschoolers getting lucky or hot-boxin. This doesn't look like the truck went there on purpose. Shit. Shit. Shit.

9-1-1. Hello, yeah, I think I've just driven by an accident. No I didn't stop. Well, because I've already had a hell of a day, I've got these two kids here, and oh yeah, I pass out at the sight of blood/carnage. Can you just send someone to check it out? Okay. Well you don't know that street...Between Argonne and Market, right off market under the train bridge, stop at headlights in the woods.

Drop kids off. Drive home. What is that ambulance, firetrucks, cops.... Yes, it was an accident. Crazy. Get home. Sit on new couch. Breathe. Realize you only got off work 3 hours ago, and hell it's been quite a day. Breathe. Time for bed.

RIIIINNGGGG. Check clock. 1:27 am. IT'STIMEIT'STIMEIT'STIME. Think. Answer phone. Water broke. It'stimeit'stimeit'stime. Get clothes. Get in car. Shit, it's snowing!! The drive to Mrs. X's was insane and I remember nothing except feeling butterflies and knowing today was the day we'd be welcoming a new life. And that holy crap it's snowing and I'm driving way faster than I normally do in this kind of weather. Mr. X isn't even home, he's still working and wait, he's going to miss this. Mrs. X doesn't even have a car....she can't possibly be driving herself in my car...is she driving herself? I begin to panic....

Mrs X is very calm and had actually been on the treadmill at 1 am just doing a little walking when oh did I just pee my pants all over this treadmill or is it time to have a baby? She is never calm in real life and now before she's about to push a child out of her body it's rhythmic breathing and happy thoughts. Go figure. Her ride is on the way.

I couldn't sleep I was so excited. So excited I got to be the one to tell a sleepy J and N when they woke that "It was time! Mommy is at the hospital and she's going to have the baby" and get to see their faces when it clicked in for them. And I got to do all those really special things like clean house in preparation of baby, bake muffins to have on hand, shovel all the damn snow that fell last night in preparation of all the guests that will be arriving.

RRRRIIIINNNGGGG. At 11:37 am I received a text message. A pix message. With a screaming baby girl looking at me. My heart just melted. And it's never been the same.

Laurynn and I are BFF for sure. In those first early months I got to hold her and change her tiny little diapers and just love on her. And now that's she so grown up we've brough our friendship to a whole new level. Aside from her mother, and occasionally her father, she loves me. When I walk in the door each morning she comes scooting over to me, stands up and pulls at my hands until I pick her up. Everytime she comes down to the office she makes a beeline to see me and crawl all over me and occastionally give me one of her little incredible hugs.

That heart melting thing...oh it's still going on strong :)

Twenty One~

Happy Birthday Geoff!!!

“Far too many people are trying to find the right person instead of trying to be the right person” – Unknown

Queen of Hearts

This morning on the radio they were talking about kids thoughts on love. One 6 year old said he's been trying to run away from love since he was 5, but the girls just keep finding him. I've heard the one before by a 4 year old that you know love because when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.

Talk about awwww factor! Obviously today is love day, and to celebrate here's a list of some of the things/moments I love most....

Sitting around a campfire with family and friends roasting marshmallows and making s'mores. A child's giggle/belly laugh. Rain. Cookies in the oven. Driving with the windows down. Running through sprinklers. Pajamas. Gin Rummy. Margaritas. Coffee. Lazy days watching movies/tv. Peanut Butter. Celebrations. Dance Parties (especially with J & N). Pink flowers. Prayer. Sidewalk chalk. Reading. Rocking a baby to sleep. Red wine. Charlie Brown. Country Music. Priest Lake. Hanging out with my brother and my sister. Cupcakes. BBQ's. Sundays. Snow angels. Candles.

Happy Valentine's Day

Fairytale Part II

"I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming..." Fairytale, Sara Bareillis

This song's rapid movement up my most-recently-played playlist has got me thinking. I mean, it's got me singing and thinking so I think that deserves a little more reflection. Plus...tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and if I'm not counting people under the age of 5, I'll be spending it alone. I'm happy about it. Er---happy, no. I'm fine with it. No, I'm content with that.

I don't think I've ever had a real life true blue valentine. Being pathalogically single that happens. Sure there were some hits and misses but I always seemed to chose the type of guy who checks a calender and ups a break-up if necessary. But the real issue is that I'm so aware of all the failed relationships out there. Everyone who I am close with offers little tidbits of wisdom, little "if I'd've knowns...you're lucky, you're still single...marraige isn't all it's cracked up to be..."

So I'm a little gun shy. Not to say it's not without good reason, very good reason. But still...there are times I get caught up in the fairytale of it all. That someday it will all fall into place and I'll spend ever after very happily. But that's highly unlikely. Call me jaded, call me a cynic, and that's well, pretty fucking acurate. I guess I'm just at the point where I don't think it exists.

I don't want to settle for anything less than the fairytale. Or my own version of the fairytale...

I want real I-feel-dizzy-love, someone who loves loves me just as much as I love him. Someone who knows I'm fiercely independent, but when it comes to a spider or a strange sound, I don't want to be the one investigating anything. Someone who can fit into my family, go camping, sleeping in tents, without showers for a week. Someone who will play gin rummy with me until 3 o'clock in the morning and never ever let me win. Someone who will make me feel safe and protected and know that I will always have someone in my corner. Someone who will fight for what he believes in, even if that means fighting with me. Someone who will call me on my bullshit and do it tactfully without bringing up everything that is wrong with me. Someone who is up for quiet nights at home, but also is up for going out, going somewhere together. Someone who loves March Madness as much as I do, and understands its never funny when my team loses. Ever. Someone who understands I don't cook often so when I do, appreciation is nice. Someone who is honest. Someone who likes to BBQ. Someone who can change the oil in my car and make sure my tire pressure is what tire pressure should be. Someone who will make me laugh. Someone who will listen to my dorky rants about history and pretend it's interesting. Someone who's perfect day is complete when he comes home to me. Someone who makes my perfect day complete by coming home to him.

"So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me."

The Gauntlet III

Holy Crap! The Gauntlet's Back!! How did I miss this??

In my quest searching for quality entertainment I stumbled over to MTV hoping that maybe, maybe it wouldn't be more reruns of Run's House or America's Next Top Model. It wasn't.

It was the Greatest. Reality. Show. Ever. I love the veterans vs. rookies because as we all know the veterans could easily win...if not for all the drama!

Thank God for OnDemand so I could catch up on everything I missed in the first episode--which was a lot of hooking up and making out. And now I can rest easy with my DVR set to record any and all future episodes.

It is a happy day indeed.

Love, Actually

A little post about love love love in honor of the big day Thursday. Now as a lady who finds herself habitually single I have a couple of options when it comes to celebrating St. Valentine.

As I'm not in elementary school I can forget making up a bunch of My Little Pony valentines and handing them out to all the boys and girls in my class. I can (luckily) forget the high school years where I put on a good show of not caring at all about this stupid holiday created by Hallmark and Russel Stover, but secretly hoping something magical would happen like it did in the movies. As I'm single, I can forget about getting all dressed up and going out to some fabulous restaurant.

I'm single. I'm not dead.

Somewhere in the rocky college years I developed a new appreciation for Valentine's Day. After all it's a holiday. I'm still me. Let's not forget my first true love which is celebrations. So why discriminate? Love doesn't have to be romantic. Valentine's Day is not reduced to couples. Let's bring on the love. Bring on the hearts and flowers and pink!

Back in 2005--the year that changed everything--my sister and I came up with a fantastic idea. We'd celebrate together. We'd do champagne and brunch together. We'd buy each other gifts which is a double bonus because we have just as much fun shopping for each other as we do receiving gifts from each other. The day was going to be perfect. Until.

Until the day that changed my life. Seriously. I didn't realize it then but my whole life was changing. I had let my Crazy take over in an effort to have the magic? To get the guy? (That only happens in the movies anyway--that kind of magic isn't real.) No guy was worth that, especially not this world class a-hole. But I learned something else that night. Even my friends let me down. I crashed and burned and nobody cared enough to help me.

I spend the next day--Valentine's Day--hung over and embarrassed. Not sure of what I had done the night before. I was lost and alone. Two of my closest friends complained about how depressing it was to be alone on Valentine's Day. Depressing? It's funny now, to look back. It was so obviously clear our friendship wouldn't survive that. Couldn't survive that. Depressing? Yeah, I had an idea what that was. It was waking up in your bed not sure how you got there. Not remembering what you did the night before. Knowing you were hurt and angry and could have easily done something, someone simply because you felt empty and alone. Knowing your friend walked away, drove your car away and left you there.

Depressing is hitting rock bottom. Not being single on Valentine's Day.

So that's how it turned around for me. From then on I realized how lucky I was to celebrate those in my life I love. To take a minute and say it, even if it's silly and you say it with flowers or some monkey balloon. I may be single, but there are plenty of people in my life who I love--truly, madly, deeply, love.

There are plenty of reasons to celebrate this Valentine's Day.

Ash Wednesday~

So begins Lent and our time of repentance.

When I was younger I remember Lent because two of my friends went to a Lutheran Church so around this time they'd come to school with tales of giving up chocolate, bubble gum and soda. I always joined in on the fun, but it was never a lifestyle change for me. It'd last a day or two, maybe even a week. But then it ended. Because it was just about belonging, about being included in a superficial way.

Now years later I know what Lent really is and it has a profound impact on my life. To repent is to acknowledge a wrong and ask for forgiveness. I'm talking down on my knees asking God to forgive me of my sins. To say it's not easy is an understatement. It's humbling standing before a judge, who gave me everything of Himself, who gives me every chance, and who loves me more than I'm capable of understanding. Yet I stand there full of sorrow and ask for absolution and wait because I know I don't deserve that kind of love, that kind of forgiveness. It's a radical experience, the journey you take in that process the New Testament translates as a change of mind and heart or a change of consciousness.

It was at Whitworth when I really learned what Lent was about. Really learned, and lived it. The first time I wanted to live it. The years at Whitworth were the hardest years of my life. I was trying to balance life on my own, figuring out who I was, discovering what spirituality meant to me, and how I wanted my life to reflect that. It looked so easy. To become part of a church family, to love God and live for Him. To have a relationship with JC and put that first.

Ha ha...right? But it's a journey worth taking. It's worth questioning, doubting, worrying, failing, and growing. Because if I learned anything from Whitworth and Jerry Sittser, it's this little thing called Grace. I won't be going to church tonight, and I won't have the ash on my forehead.

But as for the rest of it I'm all in.

SUPER. FAT. TUESDAY.

It's with much anticipation that I sat down in front of my tv, turned on CNN and watched. And watched. And watched. I couldn't get enough. This is event tv at it's best. And I had Anderson Cooper and George Stephanopoulos along for the ride.

The debocle that was the elections of 2004 turned my political zest into political dust in the aftermath of defeat with a side of defeat. What I remember about November 9, 2004 is sitting in front of the tv in sweats not able to move, let alone leave the apartment, drive to campus and take a midterm. So I stayed and watched. Took a Zero. Slipped into the beginning of the end. My faith in the American people shrunk like a deflated balloon leftover from the Kerry campaign. I lost my passion to be active in the process, my desire to teach America's youth. My appetite for history and politics was no more.

But with this political season upon us, with a real opportunity for change I'm back in the game. We're making history here regardless of how the democratic ticket comes out. Although I'm personally hoping for the Dream Team that could be, the Clinton--Obama ticket.

In honor of both Fat Tuesday and Super Tuesday I continued to watch Anderson Cooper, cracked open a beer and let myself be carried away by a feeling of hopefullness I haven't felt since Aaron Sorkin stopped writing The West Wing.

Afterall, they don't call it super for nothing....

"So today we say with one voice, "Give us the child who wants to learn, give us the people in need of work, give us the veterans who need our care. We say give us the economy to rebuild and this war to end, give us this nation to heal, this world to lead, this moment to seize."

I know we're ready.

Thank you all and God bless you."

Hillary Clinton from her Super Tuesday Speech

"Fairytale"

Fairytale

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here
Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, I'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming
[Chorus:]
'cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But I don't want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

I don't care
I don't care
Worry bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb
Appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
Cause I don't want the next best thing
No no I don't want the next best thing

~Sara Bareiles

High/Low

High: The Giants won the Superbowl in the greatest football game I have ever seen
Low: I didn't put any money on the Giants, even though I wanted them to win, "knew" they would win. I could have made myself some good money.

High: Superbowl Sunday snacks! And beer!
Low: Superbowl snacks. And beer. And tums. Oh my!

High: Sweatpants + old football jersey + bandana = great outfit!
Low: The endless piles of clean laundry in various states of folds with a mass of wrinkles accruing at a very alarming rate.

High: The Budweiser Clydesdales, the Rocky theme, that little dalmation
Low: The Planters Peanuts ad.

High: Having the family over for some 5-alarm hamburgers
Low: The reason my parents came into town today was to visit my uncle who is in the hospital. It's good he's at least getting help now, but he was also getting help just a couple weeks back and look how that turned out.

High: Steven Gray getting fouled by Brody Angely with .03 seconds left in the game.
Low: (For him, not me) Brody Angely--Dude, when you're up by two, you definiely don't foul with less than one second on the clock.

High: Gonzaga's 2-OT win over Santa Clara
Low: Yeah, we pulled out a win. But we're looking a little uninspired and we've got a big game on Monday against Saint Mary's.

High: Spending some quality couch time reading a couple books
Low: The first book I read this weekend was selected because I wanted just a quick read, and did in fact get that, but also served with a side of dull and adolescent.

High: A great weekend
Low: Monday morning, and work is only a few short hours away