Flying Blind

It's this maze...these huge brick walls I keep running into. I know there is a right way to go, and I know there is a way that is right, but will take a lot longer, and I know there is a wrong way. The trouble is I just don't know which is which. I feel for the first time, that I'm no longer choosing the way I know is wrong so I don't have to feel like I've failed. Knowingly choosing what was wrong saved me in some fucked up kind of way. Well..it fucked me up, but at least that was my choice.
But I stopped doing that. I'm trying to stop doing that. And I think that's why God led me to Boise. I think the life I had made in Spokane, at Whitworth, for the most part was me ramming into the brick wall...me choosing the wrong way because I didn't feel I could choose any other path.
I am happy that I made the decision to move to Boise. I'm glad I left Whitworth, because I don't think I appreciated or realized what I was doing there and I know I didn't work hard at succeeding. I didn't know, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Which is why I know it was such a good decision to leave.
I'm still in the maze, but for the first time I'm starting to see a few more windows. I'm not flying blind into this future I'm not prepared for and I don't even want. And since February, I've been pretending to be okay, and then I couldn't even pretend anymore. But it's hitting me now. I have to change. Because at some point I have to get to the end of the maze. And to do that I have to pay attention and be healthy and be OKAY along the way.
I'm extremely reflective for some reason. I'm getting some light to this dark tunnel. You can only see as far as the headlights shine...but you can make the whole trip that way. I guess I'm realizing...I can go back...back to Whitworth, back to school...whatever. Or I could go forward, to anywhere...to do anything. I have time, and I have faith...so I guess I just have to wait (maybe a little more patience :) and know that I will get to the end of the maze. And it will be safe. And I will be okay.