Desperate Times~

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." ~Robert Byrne

Spring, summer, and fall fill us with hope; winter alone reminds us of the human condition. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Oh how I long for the days of endless sunshine with bbq's and ice cold beer. Makes me all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. If I had a credit card I might be tempted to hop over to expedia and buy myself a week to anywhere with sunshine, sand and endless margaritas by the deep blue sea. My perpetual bad mood is apparently nothing more than a little seasonal depression. Ugh!

I don't know how much longer I can hold on with this suffocating grey sky breathing down my neck. There was a time I could embrace winter with it's cute little scarves and mittens, it's darling layers upon layers of clothing, it's delicious hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps. (Maybe I need a little less chocolate and a little more schnapps .... mmm...interesting.) But I've had enough. I'm cold, I'm tired of paying my heating bill and I just want to get in my car without having to shovel off any snow. This winter with it's smug global warming is playing head games with me--it's cold, it's thawing, it's cold, it's grey, it's cloudy, it's cold, it's snowing...october through january...it's lasted long enough!

It's true that every mile in winter is really two!

With no sunshine in the five, seven, or ten day forecast I'm feeling a bit panicky. It could get worse before it gets better and if that's the case I'll definitely have to create my own island oasis--crank up the heat, blast some Jimmy Buffet, and sip mai tais on my living room floor.

Desperate times...

Unanswered~

Well, the rain keeps on coming down
It feels like a flood in my head
And that road keeps on calling me
Screaming to everything lying ahead
And it's a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
I still don't know
Where it goes
And it's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
I still have hope
I'm gonna find my way home

Bonnie Somerville~Winding Road

My hope is disappearing at such a rapid pace I can't hold on anymore. I don't even know if I have any left. I realized it's coming again; the whole thing is starting over and I don't know if I can stop it. There are faces I cannot show, things I'll never be able to say.

I've been unable to write anything with any depth for a long time. Every so often my writing becomes an addiction, a drug that holds all the power. It consumes every thought, every moment. I let it run its course because I have seen it help, seen good come from the constant thoughts. In those moments of nirvana I am on autopilot; my mind, my heart and my hands have their own connection, a place where trivial questions and answers are left unattended. A time and place where rational thinking doesn't even exist and my emotions are exposed. Raw, unique, passionate but acknowledged. It allows me to move on.

I can't write. It feels like months since I've been able to write anything with substance, anything even close to the catharsis I need to stay sane. This familiar weight has started dwelling on my shoulders again. I can use the labels, the words, but they won't describe the suffocating fear of a tragic undertaking. It's dark and horrifying, yet familiar. I've become a master at hiding behind the trivial things, focusing on mindless drama to take the edge off.

I haven't been able to write because I didn't want to see it. I remember how it happened before--the moments turning into days, the days turning into months. I hid behind things that were easy to talk about. But I've learned a lot since then. I see it coming. I recognize what's happening. The question becomes not if, but when? And I must decide if I want to stop it, or if I'd rather let it take me whole.

24 Hours and Counting~

Today is going to be less than par.

Before the strike of 9 am and I've already been visited by the Pissed Off & Angry Fairy (I wonder what her dress looks like!). Now I have 15 hours left to what I can only assume is going to be a very bad day. I'm considerably late for work and that's before I discover my windshield is completely frosted with what has got to been seventy five inches of ice, and the dense fog has settled in again this morning matching the insides of my now severely shriveled up cold cold heart.

I guess that little fairy--evil bitch--did a little pit stop at work too. Before I even walk in the front door I can hear Jackie screaming and crying and whoa, that little girl's got some pipes. The life and times of a preschooler with some serious wardrobe hits, misses, and malfunctions. And the hits just keep on coming as Nate informes me he's pooped in the bathtub! His little 3-year old brain apparently can only focus on one thing at a time, unfortunately for me his focus was watching 'Handy Manny' and not on controlling his bowels.
Alright universe, I get it-- Today we'll all be miserable together.

Like I said, less than par.

I could cowboy up, put on my happy face and play the hand I've been dealt. Make the day better for us all, or at least go down fighting. But you know, my morning started out so well... good coffee, hot shower, pretty amazing hair day amd then poof!!-- I forgot my coffee at home, my hair went flat, and the rest is history. And now it's too late, I don't really feel like cowboying anything, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even help.

I just want to go back to bed. I want to finish this day, go home and get some sleep. Oh, but no--tonight is Thursday which means Grey's Anatomy which means dinner with friends. Yay. I don't want to do dinner, I don't want to converse. I don't want to be polite. I will however grit my teeth and bear it, only because I've decided tonight is the night we will also bury it. Once E moves out, *thursdaynightdinner* is officially dead and gone.

I've almost made it to 11:00.

I've only got 13 more hours to survive.

Resolute~

I've been trying to write something, anything with substance. I can't get past the mundane. I've been stretching--preparing for a major writing session that just won't come.

My plans for 2007 were abundant to say the least. I was going to be positive! I was going to enlighten my life! I was going to participate!

It's the end of January and I'm disappointed. But it's not just a feeling, it's enveloped me. I'm not doing what I need to. I'm not doing much. And maybe I'm waiting--waiting for my house to be what I need it to be, waiting for the time to really dedicate myself without interruption.

But part of me is just being lazy. Turning on the TV instead of opening a book. Turning on the computer to pass the time instead of getting caught up in something inspiring and letting time pass without a detailed account of each second. I can't remember the last time I went for a run on the treadmill. And although my motivation is different I can feel it how it affects me--each day I skip is making it that much harder to start again. I'm not spending any time in the good ol bible and forget about any quality time with God. I'm losing my patience at work, feeling irritable and exhausted.

I'm hiding. And that makes me furious because I can see the effects, which aren't pretty. I'm slipping into old habits, I'm running back into an old version of my life.

I'm playing a game that I'll lose. And the stakes are even higher this time.

Straight Up~

She wasn't much of a joiner.
She hated groups, clubs, sororities, memberships, organizations, societies, gangs, crews, mobs, posses, crowds, etc.
She preferred to exist as a self-contained unit-
a solo artist-
who traveled through life on a tour bus built for one.

Sometimes American Greetings really does say it best.

MissUnderstanding~

It's common knowledge I get paid to take care of children. Monday through Friday....January through December... It's no mystery where I spend my days and what I do with my time. We play, we dance, we nap, we laugh, we cry, we potty train, we go to preschool, we lunch, we bath, we go to bed. At the end of the day I'm exhausted. The cause--a very unique technique only children possess which ignites inquisitive heartfelt joy and simultaneously bringing me quite often to tears of frustration. They can try my patience, but it's all in the name of learning, of experience and life. It's an incredible job and it gives me great pleasure everyday (well, okay and pain--but honestly where would the pleasure be without a little pain?)

However, I do get paid. Quite nicely.
It's not about the money for me, but it is my job.

If you want me to be your babysitter--it's going to cost ya!

When I come home at the end of the day my job taking care of people is over. I'm single by choice right now because I'm not willing to give up anything for anyone else. I'm about 6 days away from living alone because I'm done sharing. The life of a roommate with its compromising and sharing the bathroom were a little more than I'd bargained for. I did dorm life, and I'm glad for the experience, but it's over. No thanks McKinley--I'm not up for an open door policy.

It's no mystery to me that I have serious relationship issues. I can count on one hand the number of solid relationships I have in my life. (My parents. My sister. My brother. My soon-to be ex-roommate and friend. My boss. Okay, technically, that's 6 people...whatever!) These people are core in my life and we wouldn't have the relationships we have now without some serious knock-down fights along the way. It took a long time, it took commitment and honesty and respect when often I didn't feel I had any to give. But I've made the decision these are relationships I am willing to keep; and I'm willing to put in the hard work and dedication they'll each need to survive the mistakes and miscommunication along the way.

I value these relationships because simply they're good for me. We understand each other. We feed off each other in a productive and healthy way. They are mutual-- I don't have to give a list of explanations for who I am or why I do the things I do, nor do I expect one. I learned a little lesson a few years ago, one I've been trying to perfect ever since. I'm not willing to be nice to a fault anymore.

Perhaps my expectations are a little much...but I'm not begging you to come knock on my door. I'm hoping my actions speak louder than my words. But if you still don't get me, if you can't respect what my life is and what matters to me-- my privacy, my downtime, my apartment, the life I've made for myself-- I'm gonna drop you like third period chemistry. It's not to be rude, it's to take care of me.

This is the life I want.

Coffee Wisdom~

The Way I See It #160

"Sixty-nine percent of all problems in relationships are unsolvable. They are about differences in personality or needs. They never change. When you choose someone, you have inherited the problems you will have for the next 50 years. Unfortunately, we pick people who are not as perfect as we are, so relationships work if you have wound up with perpetual problems you can learn to live with."

Dr. John Gottman--Author and scientific expert on marraige, relationships and family.

Starbucks--once simply mother to an occasional venti vanilla latte has now become nothing short of a daily obsession. You see, it's not just about the coffee anymore, it's about the wisdom. At times I struggled with the to be a starbucks patron? and subsequently, a sellout to my much loved and appreciated local coffee stand. I loved the punch card, the amaretto, and the tiny straws. They would have my drink made before I even reached the drive up window and ordered. I tried to stick it out after they switched their brand of java beans--but eventually I had to make the switch.

But back to the philosophy--The Way I See it #160.5--what about the relationships with people you don't choose? What are we going to do with the people who are in our lives for better or worse without any consensus at all?

It's not like I wouldn't have picked sarah had the time come for me to be picking my family. (And actually I guess she could have very easily vetoed me, as she came first) A sister is a unique thing and I figure I got blessed with one of the best around.

Except as of late, when it seems I am constantly at a loss, consistently doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong things, and basically fucking up. Every time I am around her there is this giant elephant in the room and I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know what happened, how this pachyderm waltzed her way into my relationship with my sister... but there it is, that damn elephant keeps nagging at me, sitting on the couch, making a cup of tea, putting roots where she doesn't belong.

I can't ignore it. Sure, I'm a fixer, an idealist, a talker. I've always felt we had a great balance together, sisters and friends. Then these occasions of complete annihilation show up and I wonder if the entire relationship is a fraud. And in my mind these doubts make me question the validity of our whole relationship, if I am kidding myself to think she is who I think she is 90% of the time. Maybe I have it backwards and 90% of the time she's just playing along in this role of who I want her to be.

This feels like a reaction. This whole situation is reminding me of last year at this exact time when we couldn't, wouldn't be in the same room. When we were either yelling or not speaking, crying or ignoring one another. I fucked up last time--I took care of me, and left quite a wake. But I've learned...this feels to me like she's scared. It feels like she's freaked out and she doesn't know what the hell to do; questioning what she wants for her life and how to get there. I feel like I have to ask her the tough questions before it's too late, but I can't risk it coming off like I don't support her.

Is it worth it to question the relationship she's about to commit herself to until death? Is it worth it to have my sister alienate me if I'm on the wrong track? If this is simply miscommunication and me not knowing what the hell I'm doing, I could be damaging something beyond repair.

I want her to be happy.

I just have to figure out which risk I'm going to take.

Now, if they'd only put that answer on a coffee cup...

Life List~

1. Live a passionate and positive life.
2. Be a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, mother, wife, grandma.
3. Keep the promises I make to myself.
4. Read—all the classics, all the novels, all the trashy romances novels, magazines, articles…read to enlighten, read to question, read for entertainment.
5. Spend time at Priest Lake every season for writing, for thinking, for camping, for solitude, for anything.
6. Graduate college.
7. Build a house.
8. Go to Alaska.
9. Never be ashamed of who I am.
10. Find time, everyday, to do something I enjoy
11. Have dogs, and cats (Finn, Sawyer, and Twain)
12. Write—and get something published.
13. Eat out by myself
14. Kiss the Liberty Bell.
15. Count my blessings.
16. Vote & Be part of the process.
17. The Big Apple
18. Go to a movie theatre by myself
19. Keep in touch with the people I love.
20. Learn what’s what under the hood of my car.
21. Make a quilt.
22. Save money.
23. Laugh…
24. Lobsters in Maine.
25. Grow a garden.
26. Question and deepen my faith.
27. Be healthy and stay active.
28. Learn to cook.
29. Watch the NY Knicks at Madison Square Garden.
30. Drive a ‘57 Chevy (Cherry Red…)
31. Learn to drive a stick shift
32. Dance in high heels (even if it’s at home, in my pjs)
33. Play the hand I’ve been dealt
34. Camp every summer.
35. Spend an afternoon in a hammock.
36. ALWAYS CELEBRATE LIFE.
37. Fall in love.
38. Visit Monticello
39. Get a tattoo
40. Go parasailing
41. Hike Chimney Rock

More to come....