We Used to Be Friends~

I am a bad friend. I do not do well with friends. It's hard for me. Actually it's not just friends, it's family too. People are hard for me. It's funny because to be completely honest I would say I am a great friend. I would also say I work hard for my friends and my family. Then why the disconnect? That is the magical question I guess.

It was only a year ago that these same problems were happening with Roommate. She and I were like those magnets that just won't go together. (Scientific speak, clarity, those are my strengths....) Okay well yes we went through some hard times. The roommate thing wasn't working out for us. The becoming part of each others families wasn't a walk in the park either. I saw parts of her, and knew parts of her she never would have shared with me. Some I'm not sure if she knows I know. A family is so intimate and now I would be privileged to hers. Scary. On both sides. So yeah, we were dealing with a lot of growing pains. Which I feel all relationships must go through.

The thing is I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore. That may have been a little harsh. But the truth was, we'd been living together, we'd been best friends and it's not really who we are. We lived a crazy time in our lives together, we survived Whitworth together. And I don't know, any other college we might not have been friends. I don't really think that's true. But we definitely bonded at whitworth because we were both from the outside. We wanted to be on the outside. And from there we had enough in common to form a united front. But outside the "pine cone curtain" we didn't really quite mesh as BFF. And I feel better about things now. We're friends. We'll be there for each other when needed. We have the occasional email, the phone calls now and then, and we see each other a couple times a year. It's good for me.

Okay so here we are a year later with Heidi.... mmmm.....For me it's never been a great friendship. It's always been so much damn effort. I know how selfish that sounds. But from the moment I met her I felt like she needed a mother figure and that's who I became for her. A role I didn't really want to fill. And over the years it's gotten worse...because I've felt trapped. I don't necessarily want to protect her, but I don't feel I can be honest with her either. She's so naive...so narrow minded in the scheme of the whole world. I mean she just doesn't get her place in space. That yes, there are so many more people better off than you...but there are also so many more who would be so happy to have what she has. Security, for one. I know it's great to be "self sufficient", but when your parents pay your credit card every month I don't want you prying into my finances or talking about how hard it is on your own. Puuhhhlease.

And I did what I've been known to do....I let it fester and fester until there was nothing to do but cut it off. So that's what I did. It's what I do. My high school friends. My college friends. Because I'm not in the market for a BFF, I never have been. I have a sister and she is my best friend forever and ever. We are a packaged deal. I like her to be a part of my life. These other friends have never quite got that. And sometimes it feels like I'm betraying her which I know I'm not...but the thing is we've been through everything together. We just get it. And we don't need to explain, or excuse. We can just be. It's an amazing gift, to have a sister, to have someone like that in your life. For me, I accept no substitutions.

The Heidi thing feels like a break up. Oh yeah, I've had the break-up, it's not you it's me routine with friends before. And basically the friendship began to feel like a relationship with all it's expectations and in a if-you-are-too-busy-for-me-i'll-be-pissed-way. I wanted to yell and be like I don't owe you anything. If I don't answer my phone you cannot get mad at me. You cannot get mad at me when I work late, when I hang out with T, or when I do any of the other things that are uniquely me. Now you can get mad when I cancel plans with you, or if I'm rude, or if I'm directly involving you. But as for the rest of my life--it's off limits. And that is the disconnect right there. She didn't get the boundaries that are uniquely me. I should have spoken up, but these are things I felt are unspoken.

So here we are. I found myself in a rage after the last visit. After her birthday, after she opened gifts galore from me and then bitched about how lame the night was. Seriously?! Rude! I was not in the mood for a birthday party--but I pushed those feelings down, open for whatever she wanted to do that night. That was really the last straw. Don't come into my house and crap all over me. Thank you very much. Don't bring me down because something is bringing you down.

So the rage passed but the anger stayed. I was frustrated with myself for not speaking up about this. Because I pride myself on my honesty. So I let the rage guide the keys and I fired off a very tame (considering I've been known to let the words fly like daggers) and honest email. And that's that. Will we be friends again? I don't know, is this an after school special or sesame street kind of moment? Maybe.

Do I care either way? Actually no. Sure it seems my friends are dropping like flies (helping my cell phone bill, btw) but it doesn't matter because that's not what defines me. I'm okay without a packed social calender. I'm okay with me; and those friends and family (thanks dad...) who make you question your self esteem, question who you are, are definitly not worth it.