Fight or Flight~

Today was supposed to be my happy day. Today was supposed to be my day of good tidings and goodwill toward man. Today was the day I was going to buck traditional/rational/sequential thought and bust into my Christmas music. Yeah, I know it's not even Thanksgiving...but I don't care. I'm sick of playing by the rules. I'm fully prepared to become that crazy lady, and eff it, we might as well start today. You know what they say, those people who say things, "Get busy living as the crazy cat lady, or get busy dying as the crazy cat lady." I choose the former--I choose holiday music.

And then I got out of bed.

Right now, in this moment I want nothing more than to go home and crawl back into my bed, toss the covers over my head and sleep for an indeterminate amount of time. I want my happy day! Today was supposed to be my happy day! And now I feel like throwing a temper-tantrum, now I feel like screaming and crying; well I wish that's how I felt. Instead I just feel defeated. I feel crumpled up and defeated.

I'm so tired of being the friend who puts forth all the effort. I'm tired of being the friend who gets crapped on. When we perceive a significant threat to us, then we get ready either for a fight (to the death) or a desperate flight (from certain defeat.) In so many situations I'm a fighter...I'll stand up and fight for what I believe in, for who I believe in. But now I'm not so sure. Now I'm just tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting this battle all on my own.

Because I will fight until it becomes clear that there is nothing left to fight for. I'll fight until it's clear nobody is fighting for me. And that makes me angry, because I am so worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for, I'm worth protecting, I'm worth taking care of. But I'm not willing to settle. It took me too long to see how people treated me, how I let people treat me. I'm done with that. I deserve better than that. And I'm done fighting.

Carrie Underwood~Flat on the Floor

I'm flat on the floor

With my head down low

Where the sky can't rain on me anymore

Don't knock on my door cause I won't come

I'm hiding from the storm 'til the damage gets done

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times

You can't knock me off my feet, when I'm already on my knees