Lightning Crashes~

Right now in a hospital a couple hundred miles away a new baby boy is about to come into this world. He is about to meet his mother and his grandmother and his aunt and his great aunt and his great cousin who have all rallied around to be there for this moment. For his moment, for that first cry, for that first glimpse of the person who has just captured their hearts forever. It's magical. To me, when a baby is born it's just like magic. The instant you meet this baby who you realize will turn into a child, a teenager (yikes!) and someday a grown-up. But along the way he'll become his own person, with his own dreams and his own future. And for that first moment there's nothing else. It swallows you up and you aren't sure how you ever survived without this feeling, without this person, without this love, without this new life.

I'm not there for a lot of reasons. Truthfully I didn't want to impose. Truthfully it's not something I'm sure I could handle. Truthfully I'm a little jealous. I want a baby. Sure, not today...but someday and I guess I'm tired of watching all these people have babies. I'm just feeling crabby and irritated. I'm just left wondering if that magic is ever going to happen for me. It's Friday night and I'm home, drinking and smoking away the thoughts that I can't face yet. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of hoping and being let down.

That life is just out of my reach. And for tonight, while it's pouring down rain outside, and inside it's just as gloomy I'm going to revel in. I'm going to take a bubble bath and throw a pity party for myself...