Desperado~

It's not exactly about "the song" regardless if we're talking about The Eagles or Seinfeld. It really has nothing to do with the rogue of the American frontier. Although all of those images pop into my mind when I think about the word. The core of the word, the part that I can't get out of my head is the despair.

There are reasons I have for pulling my head out of my ass and appreciating the life I'm living. My family, my friends are safe and healthy. My bills get paid on time, I have a roof over my head, and I am healthy. Some would even say I've gotten everything I've asked for. And yet...

Most of my life has been reality thrown in between moments of fiction. I fancy becoming a writer one day so for the sake of my art I fantasize about my life. The hypothetical is my safety. For a few years I really went out and tried living. It turns out people let you down--you let yourself down. I admit, I prefer the fictitious life that I've crafted over the years.

And yet I'm struggling again keeping everything together. I'm desperate to get it back to how it was months ago. When my life was the daydream I imagined. When I remembered the pain but I also remembered how to protect myself. Now I'm back.

And I can't shake this feeling. It actually has a real feeling, like a weight I'm forced to carry on my back. A pain that only a real wound could produce. I check myself...there is no weight, not even a scratch.

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Each day is measured in little victories. Every success is counted. But as time goes on they seem to be getting few are far between. It gets harder to get through the little stuff. It's making the real issues out of my grasp. And I'm left floundering, with that same feeling. Drowning, moments before I go under.