Big Girls Don't Cry~

In a strange way I feel victorious.

The pressure has been building for months now and I knew there was no way to stop it. I covered and scrambled, putting band-aids on the things I could reach and ignoring the things I couldn't. There were days I was even using the Shrek band-aids, showing the world that I was bigger than this bullshit--I was stronger--and it wouldn't happen again. But a girl can only take so much.

The walls, they came a tumblin' down.

The weekend was my chance to get it together, to keep it going for another few months. A last ditch effort to let the sun and the lake rejuvinate me--a thousand Hail-Mary's and I'm not even catholic. It almost worked too. It was peaceful finally--the entertainment was, I kid you not, watching the temperature change between the sun and the shade. It was a quiet weekend with sounds of families, earnest conversations and the water crashing into the sand.

And then reality smacked me in the face before I could even digest what had happened.

There is nothing like family to fuck up a family.

I have such a strong desire to be that perfect family, to gather around and just enjoy being together. I get lost in the desire. I get swept up in fiction. Because as hard as I try, it's not who we are. We aren't even capable. I've been fooling myself again to think things will change. It occured to me once that it may not be what the rest of my family even wants. It's my own fault for bulldozing over that thought without giving it proper respect.

I can't do it anymore. I can't be that person anymore. Here I am again, two-and-a-half years later with the same shit, different day. I am stretching myself to be the best at work, for my family, for my friends... and I don't have any time left for myself. I can't do it for everyone but me. I have to take care of myself. I thought I'd learned that lesson many times before.

The happy ending may or may not be at the end of my story.

But for now, I got back up, and for me that's something to celebrate.

I Get Up. I Walk. I Fall Down. Meanwhile, I Keep Dancing.

I have to keep going with my life. I can't stop again because I don't know if I could get going again.

Work is work, and it pays the bills.

Family, well...sometimes you just need a clean break.