Dizzy

It's the little things. I take pleasure in the details.

At times the details take me over. Tiny little minescule details that compound and pretty soon I can't tell them apart. There are times when the details become one giant wall and I run, full speed, right into it, the pain is my first inclination that the wall is even there.

I've been feeling so sunny. So happy and giddy and excited about life. And there are these nagging emotions, these nagging thoughts where I say "those won't get me down."

And now I wake up and I've run into the wall.

I'm pretending that nothing can bother me, that I survived the depression and I now know how to beat it. I'm trying to stay aware, working at staying afloat. I discovered skills and they were working beautifully. But now they seem to have dissipated. I'm afraid of letting one bad day settle into five and then twelve and then months have gone by and I'm gone again.

The fighting becomes too much and I want to resign. I want to give up. Because, honestly, that is my nature. To give up. I'm not really that strong. I gave up when it got too hard. I gave up and that is the easy thing. And I can do it again. It's a facade this strong fighting exterior. I just want to yell and scream and break things.

I want to be mad.

And there it is. I want to be mad. I want to be mad at Geoff. I want to yell at him and snap him out of this. It won't happen, and it would ruin things. Things?, there are not things between me and Geoff. There is something, but it's not what I wanted and it makes me sad. It makes me mad.

I want to be mad at Sarah. I want to yell and say I wasn't ready to lose my sister. I wasn't ready to lose my friend. And I have and I don't know how to go back. And I don't know how to be okay without her and yet I have to be. Because now, maybe for the first time she is so happy...and I want that for her. Yet, I'm selfish and I didn't want to lose my friend. I didn't want to lose the person I didn't have to be strong for, the person who I could say anything and do anything and be anything. And maybe I didn't give that back enough. And that's why I lost her. Because she didn't feel the same way about me. But it's too hard.

I've lost Geoff and Sarah. And I don't know now whether I really had them at all. And that makes me mad, at myself at them, at everything.

And the person I'm most mad at is myself. And this is where it starts for me. The anger so deep directed within that I lose the stronghold I have on being okay. Because I'm deserving of the anger, the rage. And then I can't protect myself. And it's this little dance of surface feelings and thoughts. Because the deeper I reflect the more the anger tends to rise.

The dance doesn't stop.

And I want to be mad at my friends. I want to say it's not my job to be the person you think I should be. And I'm me. And I got here by myself. And you weren't here, I stood alone and what makes you think I can't do it now. What makes you think that I even need you. I want to yell because that's how I know to cut to the quick. Cut deep. I know how to make others react.

But I don't truthfully want that. Because it's just mean. The power to hurt your heart is so easy. My most powerful weapon is with harsh, direct sharp words. That come out before I have time to think twice.

The dance slows down. Because I am new. A brand new Heather. I can keep these things to myself so that nobody gets hurt.

Nobody but me.