Letters I'll Never Send~

Dear Boss~

Guess who's looking for a new job? That's right. And I've decided to spring it on you at the last minute because I'm feeling particularly bitchy this week. In case you forgot, I'm your employee, not your bitch. And although I tend to find myself in the friend/employee/former nanny category, at no time do I find myself in the personal assistant category. It's not my job to drive you and your children to the grocery store. If the weather is bad enough you do not wish to drive, I probably do not wish to drive you either. When you come down in the office and you see several different stacks of paper strategically placed around my desk, it means I've already gone through them, sorted them, and attempting to take care of each thing. It's called work--it's a process. It does not mean I'm lazy and unorganized and am waiting for you to tell me what do to. It doesn't mean go through them and read aloud what each item is. Haven't you ever found it odd that all the opened mail is magically sorted? I do have a burning question: Is it really that hard to put a check in an envelope and seal it? It must be because not once have I ever seen you do it. Sure I hand you a stack of checks, with their corresponding addressed, stamped envelope and all you have to do is sign your name, slide the check in the envelope, lick and close. But alas, we never get past the signing your name part. Also, I'm now eligible for health insurance. You bet your ass I'll be enrolling. Thanks, and have a fantastic day!

Always, Your Disgruntled Employee

Dear Mom of J/N/L~

Please please please get over whatever issues you have with food so that your children will learn healthy eating habits. Sure, you're skinny...but that's not achieved by a healthy diet/exercise combo...rather an eat less/drink more thing you have going on. Please understand what you are doing by only filling L's bottles with half (half!) of the correct amount of formula. It's 4 scoops to 8 ounces for a reason. She's not chubby...she's a baby, and all that fat is for her brain. Your kids will eat dinner if you sit down and eat with them. They learn by what they see modeled. And at this rate they'll be hitting the wine and skipping meals before their next birthdays. I know you see me and see a size 14 and shudder. But I'm 100% happy with my body and my eating habits. Please learn the difference between healthy and skinny. Because your daughters will have enough trouble in the world without a distorted view on body image/self esteem. Real beauty is not found on the label of your jeans.

Always, Loving-Every-Bite :)

Dear T~

What do you do? I mean really? You are a stay-at-home mom and yet you never intereact with your kids. You set them up on little tasks, little jobs so you can have a break. What exactly do you need a break from? I wonder this as I pay your bills and run your office. You pay someone else now to come and watch your kids so you can work. What does work exactly mean to you? You have housekeepers. And between the time they're here you have that stupid robot vacuum (which by the way sounds like a heard of elephants whenever it's in use for anyone stuck downstairs in the office). You talk about how fabulous it would be to bake with your kids, do little crafts, go to the library, park, etc...if only you had the time...what the fuck? You have nothing but time. You don't read. You don't cook. You don't clean. You used to shop...but budget restraints have you very limited on any spending. You don't leave the house. Sometimes you come down and whine about not having any "me-time" and how you just need a day off. A day off? From what, life? Great. Except, don't think I'll work on my day off, so you can have a day off. Your whole life is a day off.

Always, Questioning 24/7