Resolute~

I've been trying to write something, anything with substance. I can't get past the mundane. I've been stretching--preparing for a major writing session that just won't come.

My plans for 2007 were abundant to say the least. I was going to be positive! I was going to enlighten my life! I was going to participate!

It's the end of January and I'm disappointed. But it's not just a feeling, it's enveloped me. I'm not doing what I need to. I'm not doing much. And maybe I'm waiting--waiting for my house to be what I need it to be, waiting for the time to really dedicate myself without interruption.

But part of me is just being lazy. Turning on the TV instead of opening a book. Turning on the computer to pass the time instead of getting caught up in something inspiring and letting time pass without a detailed account of each second. I can't remember the last time I went for a run on the treadmill. And although my motivation is different I can feel it how it affects me--each day I skip is making it that much harder to start again. I'm not spending any time in the good ol bible and forget about any quality time with God. I'm losing my patience at work, feeling irritable and exhausted.

I'm hiding. And that makes me furious because I can see the effects, which aren't pretty. I'm slipping into old habits, I'm running back into an old version of my life.

I'm playing a game that I'll lose. And the stakes are even higher this time.