Coffee Wisdom~

The Way I See It #160

"Sixty-nine percent of all problems in relationships are unsolvable. They are about differences in personality or needs. They never change. When you choose someone, you have inherited the problems you will have for the next 50 years. Unfortunately, we pick people who are not as perfect as we are, so relationships work if you have wound up with perpetual problems you can learn to live with."

Dr. John Gottman--Author and scientific expert on marraige, relationships and family.

Starbucks--once simply mother to an occasional venti vanilla latte has now become nothing short of a daily obsession. You see, it's not just about the coffee anymore, it's about the wisdom. At times I struggled with the to be a starbucks patron? and subsequently, a sellout to my much loved and appreciated local coffee stand. I loved the punch card, the amaretto, and the tiny straws. They would have my drink made before I even reached the drive up window and ordered. I tried to stick it out after they switched their brand of java beans--but eventually I had to make the switch.

But back to the philosophy--The Way I See it #160.5--what about the relationships with people you don't choose? What are we going to do with the people who are in our lives for better or worse without any consensus at all?

It's not like I wouldn't have picked sarah had the time come for me to be picking my family. (And actually I guess she could have very easily vetoed me, as she came first) A sister is a unique thing and I figure I got blessed with one of the best around.

Except as of late, when it seems I am constantly at a loss, consistently doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong things, and basically fucking up. Every time I am around her there is this giant elephant in the room and I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know what happened, how this pachyderm waltzed her way into my relationship with my sister... but there it is, that damn elephant keeps nagging at me, sitting on the couch, making a cup of tea, putting roots where she doesn't belong.

I can't ignore it. Sure, I'm a fixer, an idealist, a talker. I've always felt we had a great balance together, sisters and friends. Then these occasions of complete annihilation show up and I wonder if the entire relationship is a fraud. And in my mind these doubts make me question the validity of our whole relationship, if I am kidding myself to think she is who I think she is 90% of the time. Maybe I have it backwards and 90% of the time she's just playing along in this role of who I want her to be.

This feels like a reaction. This whole situation is reminding me of last year at this exact time when we couldn't, wouldn't be in the same room. When we were either yelling or not speaking, crying or ignoring one another. I fucked up last time--I took care of me, and left quite a wake. But I've learned...this feels to me like she's scared. It feels like she's freaked out and she doesn't know what the hell to do; questioning what she wants for her life and how to get there. I feel like I have to ask her the tough questions before it's too late, but I can't risk it coming off like I don't support her.

Is it worth it to question the relationship she's about to commit herself to until death? Is it worth it to have my sister alienate me if I'm on the wrong track? If this is simply miscommunication and me not knowing what the hell I'm doing, I could be damaging something beyond repair.

I want her to be happy.

I just have to figure out which risk I'm going to take.

Now, if they'd only put that answer on a coffee cup...