Great Expectations~

"There's nothing like the holidays to screw up a family."
"In my case there's nothing like a family to screw up a family."
Gilmore Girls

"Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I don't. But I never ever wanna let you go. The road's not easy; the feelings're stronger. It's the little things that keep us holding on."
Gabrielle--Sometimes

It's the idea of who we are together. The idea of who we should be when we're together. Jokes, laughter, fond memories in the making. Early morning conversation by the fire, coffee in hand, embracing the love and the incredible gift it is just to be all together. Taking the moment to forget everything else and just celebrate our family and where we are today.

Maybe it's just too much, or maybe it's not even true. Maybe it never was true. Maybe this is my own perception on who we are as a family and I've been fooling myself into believing it. Into believing all the shit of the past happened so that we could stand here looking back and just be grateful. Honestly I don't know how many more of these family get-togethers turned family-therapy sessions I can take. Because if I am fooling myself, I think I might rather stay in this pleasant land of make-believe; it sure beats the hell out of fighting all through Christmas.

I'm sick of the fighting, sick of the games. Sick of the mistakes from our past. Sick of intentions. Misconceptions. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. Can't we just celebrate Christmas--open gifts, eat dinner, spend a few days hanging out and playing games--without all the bullshit? Can't we celebrate the birth of Jesus without crying and tension and hurt feelings?

My view on my family is either so unrealistic it's hilarious, or it's so unrealistic I should be bursting into tears at any moment. Have I created my own reality, my own expectations for the 5--err--7 of us that we can never achieve? Have I created a family that is entirely fictitious? I'm not sure I want to find out the truth. I may prefer to withdraw completely in order to keep the hope alive.

Life has just gotten to be too much for the Gregory's to handle--wedding plans, relationships, finances, home improvement, even the turkey dinner is up for debate. Nothing is done right, and somewhere along the line we all forgot how to simply laugh about it. Isn't that who we are as a family? Isn't that why we are so great? Because we don't pretend to be people we're not; we're fiercly proud of who we are, and we can laugh at the rest, we can laugh at the disasters that come along.

Maybe I have unreal expectations. I'm starting to see I may be the only one who feels this way about the 5 of us. (I know the family is growing, and I embrace that, I try and welcome KC and MM into the family.) But maybe it's not enough for all of us. Maybe it's changing and dissapearing because that's how they want it.

Maybe what I want is nothing more than a fairy tale.

For now, I'm choosing to stay in the warm house with the little family sitting around the fire playing cards and laughing together. Fairy tale or not, it's where I want to be.