Christmas Blues~

The most wonderful time of the year is over. I'm not sure if I can wait 365 days for it to come around again, for the chance for a do-over. I want a redo, a mulligan, I want Christmas 2006: take two! I want the Christmas memories with peace and goodwill toward men. I want a Christmas that counts.

~~~~~~~~~After the 60 mile drive in a complete white-out I was anxious for the festivities to begin. Amid the falling snow we unloaded the cars: presents, cookies, breads, snacks and games. Holiday cheer was in the air and our wish for a white Christmas had come true. It was one of those unique moments--a Bing Crosby song in the making.

The family arrived--the siblings and their other halves; the grandma with all her holiday caramels, fudge, and deviled eggs; the aunt and uncle with their doggies, the cousin with her doggy, and the uncle fresh out of rehab (out because of the broken back, not because he'd kicked the desire to have a drink), mom, dad and me, and the partridge in a pear tree.

The day was as great as it could have been under the situation. Good people, good food, good conversation. We had our traditional dinner of spectacular soups homemade by mother, took advantage of the gigantic flakes and hit the hills for some sledding, and the annual gingerbread contest. Maybe the contest is where it all fell apart. Too many cooks in the kitchen shall we say. Rather, people trying to dictate and direct where neither was wanted or needed. What started out as a something to get the family together, to visit, to create, has turned into a rather bitter contest fueled not by the desire to have fun, but to win. The magic, the fun that made this activity what it is was missing this year.

Then we opened the gifts, I believe, in the best and only way to do so. A family gift exchange. Interesting gifts, unique recipients, without breaking the bank. We've done something right! And then it was over. The family headed out. No time to sit and enjoy. A day packed with one thing and before it's cleaned up, we've moved on to the next, over and over, and then it's done.

Then *the Fiasco 5 plus 2* had to celebrate our family Christmas. Our family moment was rushed because if not that night, we'd have to wait until Wednesday to be together again. In a flash we'd finished. Wrapping paper strewn about, gifts scattered around the floor, smiles and thank-you's passed around. But at the end all I felt was dissapointment. No anticipation, no sitting around enjoying the moment, just done.

I woke up Christmas Eve crabby. Everything was over. Everything I look forward to all year was done. And we didn't get to savor, we didn't get to enjoy. Like a blur, like waking up realizing you've overslept and missed everything. I was upset. I was sad. It's not about the gifts, it's about the excitement, the anticipation.

Christmas is magical for me. It's going to church on Christmas Eve in rooms lit only by candle light. It's the miracle of life. It's music that moves you to tears. It's family gathering around, not saying a word, and yet knowing how each other feels. It's a moment which could be a second or hours, but where time doesn't matter.
2006 was a good year for me, the best so far, and I hoped the holidays could be as great. It wasn't all a disaster--we played several rounds of rummy, scrabble, scattergories, loaded questions, and knock; the sledding adventure of 12-23-06 was a hit, just me and my bro like old times, except with the welcome addition of G's KC; the mornings we managed to visit in front of the fire without fighting.

I'm determined not to end this year on a bad note. Somehow, somewhere along the line I became an optomistic gal--and 2006 is not going to end badly for me. New Year's Eve--here I come. I'm going to get myself focused and ready to face 2007--Cheers to life. To Appreciation. To Celebration.