All is Calm, All is Bright~

I'm on this incredible journey measured in weeks, months, years. This beautiful ride measured in family and friends. Measured in love.

Mornings are my time for thinking, for inspiration; cup of coffee in my hand, I'm ready for battle. These moments have shaped me in a profound way; this is who I want to be, I want nothing but a lifetime of these moments. A little glimpse of light came one morning years ago, but it brought an introspection no amount of journal entries, or worldview papers could ever touch. In a single moment of clarity I realized, for the first time who I was, and who I wanted to become.

This year has been incredible for me. For the first time in my life I am satisfied, I am content at the end of the day, at the end of each day. No more questions, no more doubts, no more horrible mistakes in an effort to discover the truth. That's not to say the questions or the doubts don't come, because they most certainly do. But I'm ready this time, I'm armed for the battle, and I know what I'm fighting for, and I'm not alone.

This morning the Christmas tree is lit, the apartment is quiet, and my coffee is beside me. I'm no longer lost, left wandering through life. I'm not making any more gambles with my heart up for ante. For some, I suppose it may seem as if I'm hiding from the mistakes and the dangers of life. I see you. And I raise you. Hiding--a state of mind. I'm not hiding--I'm living life, I'm just done risking it all on stupid mistakes and bad choices.

I look at where I am today and for me, it's nothing short of divine intervention.

This is exactly where I need to be. I have been blessed with an incredible (expanding) family, who is my rock. We have such fierce love and respect for one another it bonds us in incredible ways. I would give up my happiness, my fortune, my health, for any member of my family if it's what they needed to survive. We have bad times with the good; and we also have a rare ability to get together, laugh, reminisce and enjoy one another. To turn any simple day into a celebration. We are real, we are happy, we are family.

I've been blessed to be given a job, that has never been about a job to me, it's about family. As I look over the jobs I've had just in the last 4 years it's easy to loose track. I've worked part-time, full-time, work study, volunteer, childcare, food service, politics, and books. I've given two-week notice, two-hour notice, and about a two-month notice.
But when I walk into that house every day and see the two most beautiful children in the world (tie of course with any nieces or nephews I may have) every problem goes right out the window. Jacquelyn and Nathanael are such perfect examples of the miracle that is childhood. They are inquisitive, the are innocent, they say whatever is on their minds. To be a part of their lives, to watch them learn and grow, is nothing but humbling. That I'm allowed to be a part of the family means so much more than any paycheck I could ever get. I'm constantly in awe of the support and love I get from "my bosses" who are not my employers but my friends, my second family. Add that I get paid, they make sure I can live this life is really just the icing on the cake.

Sometimes the state of the world, the state of my life gets to be too much. For an instant panic takes over and I feel I've lost all I've gained. But then the morning comes, and the quiet apartment, the comforts of my life, the coffee and the introspection remind me I'm safe, I'm protected and I'm loved. And that's all I need.