Then and Now

I'm pissed off.
I'm frustrated.

I'm walking the line of what's happened, and what should have happened.

I'm trying to stay grounded.
I'm trying to be honest, without getting angry.

The real truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God~

I've never been an overly social person. I've had my friends throughout the years, mostly people of place and time. No strong bonds linking us together. We shared a past. But I didn't want to share a future. There were too many times I saw my shadow get up and leave. Shocked that I'd been here, done that...because it wasn't me at all.

When I left...I knew I would never come back. These were not people I wanted in my life. These were not times I would remember fondly. These were friends, these were moments, of place and time. Of circumstance.

Whitworth, as it turned out, was also an institution of place and time. In the beginning it was a new opportunity. I learned quickly enough, that it was not. In many respects it was just the same. It was high school all over again. I shared my life, my heart, my family. I shared late nights, I shared study breaks and cram sessions. I shared my car, my food, my toothpaste. Everything that was me was open. I was honest~to a point. I was nice~to a fault.

That's when the wall came tumbling down. That's when my spirit crashed all around me. It broke. Everything shattered in my life. I was drowning and I couldn't get enough air. And those friends, those people I shared everything with...were gone. I saw the shadow of me get up and leave. Screaming that this wasn't safe. Because somewhere along the line of time and place I had given away my heart and it was now tossed aside, shattered and broken on the floor.

The process was long and hard. I fought my way out of it. But even in all the hurt, I was careful. I made sure not to let my friends know how much they had hurt me. It would have been easy--spread the pain I was feeling, bring everybody down. I kept it inside. I didn't want to hurt them as they'd hurt me...it was too much pain to bare...nothing I would want a friend to feel.

Now I'm here again but I can't do it all again. I can't watch my shadow get up and run away, blinded by this person who is no longer me. I just want to yell and scream and tell them they're no longer invited into my life. They're no longer allowed to treat me like this. This was it...it's over now.

The Last Chance ship just sailed away, and you weren't on it. Sorry no refunds.