Collide

I was having one of those moments~
Where everything is right.
Every breath is peace.
Every thought is hope.

Alone in the car~
Just me and my mind.
The sun filling the void.
The radio blasting everything else away.

There are times when I feel happiness. When I think it's something I can have~eternally. Being on the road makes me feel invinsible. Top of the world. Love and sunshine.

Before it all comes crashing down around me. Then I just laugh at myself.
I look in the mirror and I laugh. Sardonically. Did I really think I could get away with this? Did I really think this could be my life? Still looking in the mirror, I sigh.
And then I walk away.

I feel like I'm in one of those rooms, with the two~way mirror.

Sometimes I'm on the outside. I can see people, hear what they're saying. They have no idea I'm there, that I'm now privy to who they thought they were hidden away like this. It gives me an advantage, maybe, or maybe now I've seen too much.

Sometimes I feel I'm on the inside. Knowing people are catching these little clues. Figuring out my behavior, analyzing, trying to get what it means.

Maybe it's all bullshit. Maybe I'm overstimulated. Maybe I'm letting my imagination take me to the life I want.

Today, though...I felt like I was really living the life I want. I was taking steps, consciously doing what I wanted to be doing. I was so alive in each moment, really appreciating every second, and looking forward to the next. I was driving back "home" from home~a drive that has always felt familiar, always felt right. The sun was shining, the coffee was refreshing, the music was invigorating.

And then~ I stupidly answer the phone. Fuck. The smooth calm was instantly shattered into a million little pieces. These people are supposed to be my friends. But I began moving in a very different direction a long time ago. We're not on the same page anymore; I'm not so sure we were ever in the same book, let alone page. In fact, I'm not too sure we were ever in the same genre. Just a least common denominator. The whole us against whitworth thing.

I just want to shatter the glass. Break the two~way mirror. Scream and yell. "You know I see the other side of you. You know I see who you really are. I see it, what you've been hiding." That's when I'll make my escape. Running away from the life I used to think I wanted.