The Ride is Great...but?

Wow...is it monday morning already? Please tell me it isn't so! I am totally unprepared for this week, and yet, I wouldn't have wanted to spend my weekend any other way. First of all, last week was spend running around here and there between the hectic schedule of classes--quizzes, tests, and papers--working, and watching my bro finish off his basketball season.
It's the end of an era. I knew it would end, the season would close and the final game would be played. But I didn't ever really grasp the emotion that would follow knowing there wouldn't be any more games. I mean, we've been doing this since he was 7--for ten years there have been countless games, saturday roadtrips, buzzer-beater shots, and now it's all over. The last game wasn't spectacular, I guess you have to go out a loser, because the winners keep playing...but he played with heart and hustle, and determination. And now it just ends.
There's more to this feeling of finality to me. It seems it's all just this race until the eventual letdown of the end. The ride is great, ups/downs and a lot of tears and joy along the way. But seriously, I want to spend this in a better way. I'm frustrated with the amount of time I have to spend in school. Which, as I'm happy to be learning, I just can't see the value in all of it. Simply to get a better job with more money? I'm letting that drive me? I've never let money drive me, because as much as I love it...and need it, there is so much I can do without it. Yes, I want to pay my bills, and eat, and buy the things I want, but I can do all that it seems without sacrificing too much of my self. I feel like I lose too much of myself here, at this school, for as much as I've gained here...I'm giving too much away. For acceptance that I will never get here.
Something is reminding me, something is pulling at me to change. To focus, and bring back who I was. And it's hard to do that, without pulling myself out completely. I just want to pull myself out so I can fix these things because once I can do that, it'll be great again.

On the Wagon

What shitty luck. I turned 21 in January and already...I'm on the wagon. WTF?!? Of course, this is of my own choosing. Waking up on a Sunday morning wondering exactly what the fuck happened the night before isn't a good way to start any day. So step one for this one is figuring out why I drank myself into oblivion. Well, beyond the fact that the boy I was falling head over heels for, had another girlfriend (ouch) and when asked me to the party, brought her instead. So handling this like my anscestors would have--I got riproaring drunk and laid into both of them the minute they showed up. I want a girl to know when he man is cheating on her. After that, I remember nothing....had to hear all the dirty details second hand. Which is definitely not cool. At least one "friend" managed to get me home to my own bed safe and sound (and alone!) suffice to say where those other friends were (wingmen--what?! Fuck no, I guess I had just given them too much of what I thought was mutual trust and support). Ah, the hard lessons of life. You can't get more drunk...and by drinking more, you won't have more fun: you will get sicker. I thought I had learned this lesson already. Guess not. Friends who have never blacked out have no sympathy for you and cannot fathom how this could even happen...stick with friends who will support you regarldless of their judgement. Lesson 1079 in my life-image is nothing, friends are everything...when one is forced against the other, you will find out which matters most to people. Ditch the friends who value image over you.

Another beautiful night camping! 

Isn't this spectacular?!?! 

things that make me happy :)

I'm supposed to be working...but I have one of those 365-day calenders on my desk with things to be happy about. And instead of peeking at what I should be happy about tomorrow--I've decided to think about those things I really am happy about today:
Coffee with Cream. Gin Rummy. Come to think of it--Gin. Pink crayons. Hair Dye. A child's laughter. New cell phone. Tetris. Sandal weather. Driving in the Sunfire. The stereo on full blast. A hot shower in the winter. Knitting. Red lipstick. Finishing a good book. A campfire. Getting mail. Watching my brother play basketball. Candles. A good movie cry. Swedish Fish. Reeder Bay. New chapstick. Toe socks. Finishing a final exam. Grace. Scrapbooking. Girl talk. BBQ's. A cold Kokanee. Seeing the stars at night. Online shopping.

The Vietnam Window

I'm in a history class of the Vietnam War and I just can't quite figure out how the United States gets away with all of this?!? I love U.S. History but the more I learn of the politics I want to run away screaming into Canada. We consented to the Coup d'état of S. Vietnam's leader Diem--who we essentially put into office. Now, I know things went ugly in a fast direction--he was unwilling to compromise, and there was a rebellion growing, which in the face of communist rebellion infultrating Vietnam was a bad road, for a less academic way of putting it. But what are we saying? We essentially had a puppet government--which we were against, until we became the puppet masters--but when we lost control, a coup d'etat seemed okay??

This just pisses me off because I wonder what the people now will do in Iraq? Where do the US policy makers draw the line? Do we have any lines in foreign policy? Or is that only here in America that murder is bad. Ironic that not months after we authorized the Coup, our own president was assassinated. And yet, we can make each of these deaths so extremely different, simply because Kennedy was a red-blooded American Democrat?

Vietnam is so interesting to me today because I think it strangely parallels so much with today's current policies. And I think as Americans, as America, we have to learn not because of it, but through it. We have to recognize things about it and see what we think before we get caught up in something else we don't fully understand how to win.

Almost Famous

"I always tell the girls never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously then you never get hurt. If you never get hurt then you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely you can just go to the record store and visit your friends." Penny Lane in ALMOST FAMOUS

My problem is I have way to much fun being a combination of people. I'm this perfect combination of all the things I want to be and all the things I am. None of the real life people I know can even affect me because they don't have what it takes to know me. I've tested them with these little amounts of info and they can't handle it very well. And I get hurt. But that's the beauty of movies. Of music. The beauty of music gets to me! How inspiring is Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers?! Shit, I could dance to that all day long every day! Don't even get me started on My Sharona! See these people don't get me because I'm this combination of a 70's child from this experience that's not so different, but it sets me off. And I've tried not to let it, but it does. And I know the past matters now more than I thought because the only people who can understand me have been there. They've experienced it. Not that I don't love my other friends. I do. But they don't get me on the whole level of who I am. And it's too hard to take the rejection and the judgement. Fuck quantity...I've got this amazing quality and it's so true. It really is better than most things in life. Being able to share all of yourself without feeling vulnerable is fantastic.

True Story

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world... is what you share with someone else when you're uncool" Lester Bangs in Almost Famous.
It's amazing how many people's lives would improve if they just realized how uncool they really are.