The Nanny Diaries~

I am the nanny. I am not the mother. I am the nanny. I am not the mother.

My job is a dream. I get all the fun, all the play, all the special moments. I get days spent in sweat pants and messy ponytails; baking cookies, reading books, and taking trips to the park. I get paid to play, to craft, to be a stay at home momma without any of the responsibilities. I don't have to clean the house, or even pay for the house. I don't shop for the groceries, clean the pool or mow the lawn. I get all the glory--without any of the guts. I get to leave at the end of the day, and go home to my own life.

Not. So. Fast.

Sometimes it's all tantrums, fights and puke. It's not eating anything and spilling everything. Lately--it's the screaming. Shrill, piercing screamfests lasting upwards of 45 minutes. It's kicking, crying, and thrashing everything in sight. But these are not the normal trantrums--which I can handle. This has something behind it. Something boiling beneath the surface that she's expressing the only way she knows how.

This job follows me home. This job--these children, this family--follows me everywhere. They are in my heart, they are in my mind. These screams, those moments of inconsolable pain break my heart. I walk a fine line, balancing what I do and say within the boundaries of who I am: I am the nanny. I am not the mother. Although we do have a great relationship, a unique balance of employee and member of the family, a solid trust built on open communication. But I cannot say what I think right now--which will be taken the wrong way, taken that I think she is a bad mother.

I don't want to be the mother. I like what I do, and I like my role. I like leaving at the end of the day. But there are days--days I feel I have a better idea of what's happening. I can be there, and yet be removed. These are not my kids, this is not my marriage. I can see inside of the box and outside of the box. I'm there handling it most days and I can see something else. Something she's missing.

I can see a mother working her ass off at home and at work to have the perfect family. I see a mother whose hormone levels are all over the place on a normal day, never mind when she's 5 months pregnant. Oh, yes and all the changes going on in the house to make way for Baby. All the changes in the family for the new arrival. As the belly gets bigger the changes are something nobody can ignore, especially the 4-year old who is too smart for her own good.

I love my job and I love these kids. I want to help them, and I want to help this family.
I just don't know how to do that yet...