Sidewalk Chalk~

And other things I've learned this week~

There are times I want to jump into the castle with them. Jump right on into imagination land--where everything is at your fingertips, where all of your dreams are reachable. Simply pick your favorite color of chalk, and draw whatever you want. Right in front of your eyes, dreams have turned into reality. Sure, it takes a bit of your imagination...but if you close your eyes, and think very hard...you are really, truly entering the castle, the friendly forest, the pond by the meadow, climbing the apple tree far from everything. There are times I want to close my eyes, hold hands with the two- and three-year old at my side and really, truly, believe anything can happen.

There are times when it hits me that my own life may very well be a castle in Imagination town. That my own apartment~although painfully ghetto, and annoying at times (what! laundry only between 8am and 8pm...you gotta be kidding me?!) is pretty swell. That I'm pretty fortunate to have the car, the house, the job that I really truly want.

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"It happens to most of us eventually, the moment when our parents become real people, with motives and hopes as authentic as our own."
I read that in a book a while back, jotted it down and stuck it in a stack of other quips and quotes I've found in other books, other magazines, other mediums that speak to me. I came across it again this week. I suppose I realized awhile back that my parents were their own people. Had their own life, own dreams and ideals outside of my own life. It didn't hit like a strike of lightning, but the more I think of it, that's exactly what it is.
Maybe some moment in therapy, when I had to step outside of myself to get through the moments of my past. Maybe some moment, when I realized I needed them in my life, but I also wanted them in my life. Not just as my parents, but as my friends. I don't care if that sounds as cheesy as it feels writing it, because simply it's true. I'm just glad-- I'm blessed--so fortunately-- because it didn't take a horrific act to bring about this revelation. No diagnosed disease, no deathbed, nothing horrible. Just the simple--conversation over cups of coffee, card games at the kitchen table, shared memories and moments of laughter.
Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm realistic. I choose to believe I'm fortunate. That my parents, regardless of their mistakes which affected me, as their child, are still just people. People that screw up, people who make mistakes; but people, who live and love with everything they have. People I would chose to be in my life, and I'm just lucky they are by default.

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I have this *thing* hanging over my head. A monster hiding in all the closets, under the bed, behind every dark corner, and I'm sure in the back seat of my car. I can't go anywhere without it, a nasty, hideous monster that has become my shadow. But I'm taking steps to get through it. And I'm still not sure how bad it's going to get before it gets better...it could be fine, it could get worse. I don't know much of anything now, I've done all there is to do on my part. And now I must wait.

But I can't stop living my life. Amidst all the waiting I must live. And I want it to be my best life. Be my best self. I'm actively choosing to make a difference. To stop waiting for lightning to strike before I make a move. Simple changes, but I feel so much better. I've become focused, determined, something tangable I can work with. Something that doesn't require sitting around and waiting.

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Maybe I've stumbled upon rose colored glasses. Maybe I've got the glass is half full syndrome. Whatever the case may be I'm heading into it with my eyes wide open. Just happy that I'm living, breathing, doing what makes sense to me.

And nobody can take that away from me.