Please leave a message....

I'm tired of the complaints that I never answer my phone. I'm tired of hearing that I don't return phone calls. When I was younger and the phone would ring I would beg my family not to answer it. They would surely leave a message if it was important. If someone had to answer, my excuse was planned, and always well executed. "She's in the shower. She's outside. She went to Safeway with her mom. She's doing her homework. She's busy." Whatever the words, the message was always the same....she doesn't want the interruption.

Not a lot about me has changed.

The damn phone keeps ringing; there's no one to cover for me anymore.

It's really got me thinking....this disconnect with the world. I used to dream I could live in a town where nobody knew me. Where I could go and be and do--anonymously. I've somehow stumbled onto that little paradise. No expectations. No requirements. Just me and my day. It's why I hate the cell phone, hate the drop in. Because then I feel like I've just lost this great moment or something~I have to share my time. I have to give in.

I've been cranky and tired and irritable lately. I know why. I've got this huge life thing hanging over my head. But I've learned the hard way I don't have too many people in my life I can count on. Two. Two people won't judge, won't speculate, won't offer advice. Two people will continue on loving me, continue on supporting me, picking me up when I can't walk by myself.

It's just for so long I went on answering the phone. I went on being what people needed me to be. It wasn't me. It was the girl I thought I should be.

And she got clobbered.

You want to talk to me...too fucking bad! Maybe I don't want to talk. Leave a message...maybe I'll call back; probably not. I've been working all day and I just want a little quiet. I just want to settle out the storm in my mind. The thing is I can do that. I get that right. I don't have to answer my phone. Nobody can be mad about that. Nobody gets to be mad at me for that. It's my life. My problems, my time, my way. I tried the sharing route...I got clobbered.

Rumor has it that flushing a cell phone kills it instantly :) ;)