everyone else can sleep better

It's either way too early, or way to late for me to be up. The thing is that I can't sleep...I can't because everytime I wake up I remember that it's all real. I'm so tired of pretending everything is okay so everyone else can sleep better or something. Because when it really comes down to it..I'm still not sleeping. The illusion is what brought me here in the first place. It's what forced me to stop and look around and change, even though at the time it wasn't so much a conscious decision I was making--I was forced to see the brokenness. Here it is though, I'm not the same. I can't be the funny, grass-is-greener, happy-go-lucky girl anymore. Because I hid behind that mask for long enough that it came to this. And I'm so fucking tired of being here. Pretending I'm fixed is just ignoring all the other bullshit. And it just has to be okay. I love the people in my life but I'm not doing this for them anymore. This is for me...because they won't be there to pick up the pieces when I break. So yeah, I'm just angry for having to hide behind the mask even though they know I'm so broken. It's hurting so much more to hide because it helps everyone else. I know what would be easier...but I can't do it.