A Wing and a Prayer~

The fear hasn't quiet left me yet. I've gotten good at hiding it, denying it, disguising it, forgetting it. But it still sits inside. Taking root. Growing. Spreading. Diseased.

I've made my bed...now I've gotta lie in it. I just want to go to sleep until it's over.

If I could be honest with myself for a moment I could really examine the issues. But I am sick to death of having issues. I've been preaching this life to any and all who will listen. I want to be left alone. I want it to be this way.

And yet...

What I meant was I want to eat my cake and have it too!

I have expectations for my life. Trying and failing is something I'm not akin to accepting. Which is clear by exemplary scholastic achievement in college--or rather my mediocre GPA and substandard attempts at success. Ddisappointment is something I can't live with. Getting by is an art form, a skill I've worked at and mastered. All other mid-college drama aside, graduating with my experience such as it was, was unacceptable. So I dropped out. I didn't want to finish college without any of the things I had planned to get in those four-years. It's just left there hanging... well my college experience sucked, but it's not finished, so there...

I'm just living life suspended, without having to chose a direction or move forward. Stagnant. What do I want to do, really do? Who do I want to be, really be? Well, sure, I want the happy family and kids running around in the yard. I want dogs and 4-wheelers, and a pretty little house. I want to drive an SUV and spend the summers at the lake. I want to be a writer. But I've been in relationships; they weren't good and did not end well. I know a lot of people in them now--they're not great, heartache and drama. And that scares the shit out of me. So you find someone to love--big deal, love doesn't last. I'm not sure I'm cut out for that specific disaster. I don't want to fail. I'll settle before I fail.

For now, I can always dream... from this vantage point I'll always plan and always have something else. The frustration is myself, for being content to live safely. How will I ever get more out of life if I'm too afraid of crashing and burning? Until I overcome the fear of crashing and burning, until I'm sure I can survive the disappointment and the failure... until then I can just wait. I can make the best of what I've got...

It's just hard to do that sometimes.