Wreck of a day....

This day--
....this week
....this month
....this year.

What a fucking wreck.

It's a slow process. The crash. The impact. The instant without motion, without sound, without feeling. The fallout.

Rinse and repeat.

I can't get out of the maze. I cannot escape this brick wall. I keep crashing into it. Eyes wide open. Head first. Smash.

I can feel it in small doses coming back. Creeping into little parts of my life. Sneaking into the places it can hide, stay awhile, fester and grow. The realization makes me sick. Sick with myself. Sick of myself.

If I started the storm....do I get a life-preserver???

do I get a life-preserver???

It has all just been an escape, this running away. Eventually it was bound to catch up to me. My version of what I should be doing is destroyed. I have no fucking clue what I should be doing.

I dropped the fuck outta school. And left. I quit my job, I moved to a new state--of mind, of denial, of the USA. I got a new job. A new outlook. I was cured. I self-medicated. I took care of myself. I was running. I left everything.

I dropped everything, a halfassed attempt...story of my life.

I ran and ran and ran. In my mind I was always running. To a brighter future. To a safe harbor.

I kept running even when things settled, seemed to be doing okay. When the bottom dropped out of my safety net I packed up, and kept running. I figured it was safe to return. Back to my roots.

I came back to this town...funny enough, back to one job. One job that is so full of ups and downs I question it every step of the way. It's a good thing. It's a bad thing. It pays the bills. Which is where my resolution must lie, at least for now.

When will I stop running?

When will it be over? For too long I knew I was pretending. I was doing what I knew I should be doing. Counseling. Anti-depressants. Check. Check. But I quit cold turkey. I was stronger than that.

I thought I should be better. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was safe.

But I'm still angry. I'm still scared.

As I sit here, look around at my life....where can I even go from here? Do I run again? Am I out of options...sit here and face it. My fear is that in facing it....it will only get worse. Then I will realize all those moments that I was simply faking it. That I had it all figured out. It's laughable. I don't know where to go from here. Where I went wrong.

Because I'm still angry. I'm still scared. It's coming back. I'm drowning in the panic. I'm crashing. I can feel it. Time stops. You realize you have no control. For one second you can see it--and then it happens. From every direction the pain consumes you whole. The fallout.

The resolution???

I've seen how easy it is to create a resolution. To wrap it up nicely in pretty packaging. Something safe. Something pretty. But the image doesn't last long.

The bomb goes off....catching me completely off-guard.